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Friday, December 19, 2014

5 Dangerous Foods You Should Like Totally Never Eat

Have you read enough op-ed pieces chastising American eating habits to make you puke?  Are you tired of Huffington Post judging seemingly every decision you make?  Not us!  We here at Great Scott love when know-it-all websites talk down to us about the lifestyle choices we make on a daily basis.  In fact, we love it so much we're going to do the same thing for all of our readers out there so that they can make safer, more informed choices when deciding what to eat or feed their families.  So with a little help from our under-utilized staff nutritionist, Milly Potatoface, and Pepperdine University botanist, Charles Sativa, we present to you the top five foods you should like totally never eat ever.

5. Finger Sandwiches

Sure, finger sandwiches sound delicious.  Especially when paired with some British people and a copy of Wuthering Heights.  But let's be real here: who actually wants to eat a severed human hand between two pieces of bread? "You'd be surprised," quipped Potatoface between bites of her quinoa and kale stink-bucket.  "They're awfully tasty.  But they pack a dangerous secret, too.  Finger sandwiches have been known to crawl off the plate and strangle the eater."  And apparently it doesn't stop there.  One report out of Get Bent, Indiana stated that a man consumed a finger sandwich, "turned," and has been undead ever since.  As if that wasn't scary enough, some restaurants have been caught serving toes instead of fingers, which is just bonkadoo.  "Everyone knows toes are used to make jam, and jam is packed with sugar, fat, benzine, doritos, chlorine, poison, and talcum powder...many of which can be harmful to your health."  So don't eat these, dummies!

4. Biting Apples

Ever wonder where the phrase, "once bitten, twice shy" comes from?  Well keep wondering.  Because it didn't come from these apples.  No, sir.  These apples have their own saying.  It goes, "biting apples bite you like some sort of biting thing that hurts when it bites."  All idioms aside though, the biting apple lacks any nutritious value and over 9 out of 100 dentists agree that eating teeth is bad for your teeth.  But the real whammy comes when you discover there's peanut butter all over the inside of the fruit, and we don't think we're alone when we ask, "how do you get butter out of a peanut?"  It's unanswerable questions like these that make this one of the most dangerous foods in the known universe.

3. Wolfermelon

Another fruit you shouldn't mess with is the wolfermelon.  They seem great when they sprout out of the ground, but looks can be deceiving.  Botanist Charles Sativa explained the phenomenon in his most recent book, HEY! Why Is There A Wolf On My Watermelon?.  "Imagine this...  You're a farmer growing watermelons just down the river from the Monsanto factory.  One night you look out and all those huge juicy melons seem like they could be ready to be picked.  So you go out to your field and BAM!  There's a wolf attached to it.  Bet you didn't see that coming, the wolf on the watermelon."  More correct he could not be.  Wolfermelon has now been outlawed in the United States, except on Halloween and the hotly anticipated 2018 purge.  And though many contend it's because a hybrid Werewolfermelon has taken the place of the once overly complicated fictitious fruit, the truth lies somewhere in between.  Still, it is worth mentioning that the wolfermelon is eerily similar to the biting apple in it's comedic makeup.  It's a wonder how our editors chose to run two long, midly-funny seemingly-interchangeable jokes over the course of the past two paragraphs.  "That's the curse of the wolfermelon," Sativa chortled before he hopped on Taylor Lautner's back and rode away into the night.

2. Snake Flowers

Snooty, ass-hole chefs have been adding flowers to salads for years.  Many are convinced it's because they want to see just how far they can go before you drop your fork, look back at the kitchen, and declare, "That's it, I'm out."  The problem these days however, is that with all the gene splicing and Jurrrasic-Park-level mad scientists in the world, the flowers that were once used to dress up a meal can now send you to an early grave.  Take the snake flower, for example.  There are several emerging varieties of this flora fauna flora fauna florafauna, and though the majority of them are not lethal, they still come with several dietary restrictions.  First and foremost, you can't eat this plantimal raw because that's what it wants to do to you.  Secondly, children should not consume snake flowers unless they are prone to obesity and confusion.  Finally, men over the age of 50 may experience an erection lasting longer than five hours depending on what breed of snake flower is consumed, so be sure you're not sitting at a glass table with your in-laws when you do so.  Consult your doctor to see if you are healthy enough for snake flowers.  Don't let old age stand in the way of snake flower satisfaction.

1. Gin and Tonic and Bees

If you happen to be over the age of 21 then you'll be familiar with how depressing it is to get old.  But a lone silver lining exists for you perpetual worrywarts out there.  It's called alcohol and it is used to clean wounds, numb the mouths of teething frontier babies, and cure dandruff.  Shockingly, some people also drink it.  Those that do consume it often can find themselves bored with the usual hum-drum frothed-egg-whites-with-angostura-bitters-and-home-made-moonshine-infused-with-garden-grown-mint-and-sage-leaves craft cocktails that they find at their local 7/11.  So what do they do?  They put a bunch of bees in it to spice things up, which is as dangerous as it gets.  You don't need a questionable Pepperdine University botanist to tell you bees have stingers.  And those stingers primarily do two things: they dance the Merengue and they sting.  Double duh, right?  Not right.  Double duh isn't a saying* and chances are a person who makes up phrases like that also puts bees in their drinks because they like to live on the edge or play with fire.  "The bee craze has been popular overseas for decades, but it's just recently become popular over land.  I think people assume bugs are safe to eat but the reality is they are not.  They're loaded with saturated fats, covered in sugar, and then rolled in peanuts.  ... Oh no, wait.  I'm thinking of a PayDay bar.  Sorry."  Either way though, you'd be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't consider a drink filled with bees to be absolutely frightening.  Unless you're a bird, of course.  Birds can eat innumerable amounts of bees (like at least seven).  They just can't hold their liquor for shit.  So if you aren't a bird, and you're reading this, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

*But it was a popular obstacle course game show on Nickelodeon in the '90s.