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Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Chevron Unveils Plans To Take Over Earth

Peak oil is a concept that has many experts in the automobile industry shaking in their boots.  The notion that we may have found all the oil there is to find has many companies searching for sustainable alternatives in order to stay in business.  Some have gravitated towards corn ethanol, others to electricity and natural gas, and even fuel cell technology which uses distilled water to create hydrogen propulsion.  Still, at this point, with all the hybrids and electric cars on the road, nothing has provided the solution that improves the world of the future.  That is until today, when Chevron announced they would start developing the most alternative of alternative fuel sources: human energy.

It's a fascinating concept, though hardly believable.  Many who are familiar with it liken it to science fiction, if only in part because they're not entirely sure how to wrap their heads around it.  In short, Chevron plans to take human beings and make them the fuel that drives civilization forward.  From a philosophical stand point, it's a beautiful notion: humans bonding with one another to propel our planet to an age where emissions are reduced to zero and heaven on earth actually exists.  But the truth of the matter is much more grim.

Have you ever seen one of those awful Peta videos that makes you never want to eat meat again?  Well we haven't because they freak us out and we like our meat.  But it's the same concept.  Chevron imagines a world where humans are sent up a giant treadmill and into a processing sluice.  From there our best parts will be disassembled from our bodies and used as fuel for future cars, homes, planes, and 'other things that require a lot of fuel like an alien spaceship'.

"The best part is," said Chevron's new CEO Blargok Gorgol during a phone interview this morning, "we'll use people who have just died so we'll be eliminating a lot of waste from Magnar 7-- I mean Earth.  Yes, that's it, Earth.  We're completing the cycle of life as you puny humans know it to be, returning the body to the ground so that it may be harvested once more."  As if that wasn't enough cause for alarm, Gorgol was quick to elaborate.  "We would only use those that died of natural causes of course...cancer, old age, photon laser guns, you know, the usual stuff." 

Though the technology will take approximately 20 years for scientists at Chevron to catch up with, they assured their investors that it's worth the initial captial.  "The bottom line is, money will be irrelevant when I rule earth.  So spend as much as you can now," Gorgol added before hanging up the phone.  The announcement has already sent oil behemoth British Petroleum into a frenzy, as many wonder if they'll be able to keep up in the years ahead before Earth's eventual demise.  If the stock market is any indication, it will be tough.  Chevron saw a 20% upswing in the value of it's shares by closing bell today.