Wednesday, February 08, 2012
Chevron Unveils Plans To Take Over Earth
Have you ever seen one of those awful Peta videos that makes you never want to eat meat again? Well we haven't because they freak us out and we like our meat. But it's the same concept. Chevron imagines a world where humans are sent up a giant treadmill and into a processing sluice. From there our best parts will be disassembled from our bodies and used as fuel for future cars, homes, planes, and 'other things that require a lot of fuel like an alien spaceship'.
Though the technology will take approximately 20 years for scientists at Chevron to catch up with, they assured their investors that it's worth the initial captial. "The bottom line is, money will be irrelevant when I rule earth. So spend as much as you can now," Gorgol added before hanging up the phone. The announcement has already sent oil behemoth British Petroleum into a frenzy, as many wonder if they'll be able to keep up in the years ahead before Earth's eventual demise. If the stock market is any indication, it will be tough. Chevron saw a 20% upswing in the value of it's shares by closing bell today.