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Thursday, January 26, 2012

Starbucks To Offer Beer, Other Products

On the heels of their big announcement a few days ago, Starbucks will continue to expand their brand this year with many new innovations and products.  And it isn't just beer and wine that has people talking this time.  Starbucks has much bigger plans for 2012*, plans that make the end of the Mayan calendar look like the end of an advent calendar.  New locations, uniforms, products, and sales partnerships already have shareholders excited about the future of the company.  CEO Rick "Thanks a latte" Jones is the visionary behind this movement and is determined to get Starbucks into the 22nd century or die trying.

"My first idea was lederhosen," Jones said this morning at a regional press conference.  "But we thought better of that one quickly.  In my mind, I wanted a uniform that would help us sell more product as quickly as possible.  Ultimately we settled on a copy of the Hooters uniform, but with green instead of orange."  This strategy works 2 fold: firstly, if the Starbucks girl is hot, you get quite a show while you wait for your drink.  Secondly, if it's a dude, you'll be out of there faster than you can say, "is that frothed milk on your shorts or are you just absolutely disgusting?"  But here's the genius of that: the sooner you leave the sooner they can serve more customers.  This equates to more business and thus should earn the 'Bucks a few billion extra dollars at the end of the fiscal year.

Who does #2 work for?
But it's not just the clothes that are getting an overhaul.  Many locations are as well.  Some are even moving to more exotic and harder to reach locales so they can re-attract the hipster consumers they slowly lost over the past 20 years.  Jones was quick to comment.  "The thought was that if these places are harder to get to- harder to get in to- then it will become bragging rights for any patron who makes the trek.  That's why we're opening 5 locations in active volcanoes, 3 inside of elementary schools, and a bakers dozen inside barbershops (a place no hipster would be caught dead).  We're also very excited about our Afghanistan and Pakistan locations, a few of which may even be hidden in caves."  They may be on to something with this one, but that's still a fairly limited scope for a company that appears in over 900 countries world-wide.

Tastes just like chicken...and coffee!
"The next move was attracting customers in these new markets," Jones added.  "That's why we're rolling out a slew of new products and partnerships worldwide."  They apparently want to hit the ground running, as many of the plans were rolled out today.  In Peru, Starbucks has partnered with local alpaca farmers to offer the first Starbucks Livestock (Jones was quick to point out that the animals were all fair trade and locally grown, much like their coffee).  In China, Starbucks has plans for a stinky tofu latte, an attempt to tap in to the local culinary scene.  The same goes with Iceland, where Starbucks will soon be offering a "rotting fish herbal tea."  In Somalia, Starbucks plans to launch a pirate-themed drink, which some insiders say could contain rum.  And blood.  North Korean residents will be super stoked about the fact that they are finally allowed to have coffee.  And in India, a Ganges inspired service will allow residents to bring their deceased loved ones to the store to have them recycled into coffee. 

Though this is only the beginning of the many plans Starbucks has for 2012, it's clear that they are making a serious play to become one of the biggest companies in the world.  And in a time of financial uncertainty, it's nice to see a company finally take us for all we're worth.

*world domination

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