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Friday, January 06, 2012

Glove Ramsay Officially Announces Candidacy for President

Boy*, there sure are a lot of idiots running for president, huh?  So many now that it's hard to tell who is actually running, and who just showed up at the wrong address and started talking into a microphone.  There was that black pizza guy.  He was good, he just didn't deliver in 30 minutes or less.  The tea bag lady from Bachman Turner Overdrive?  She certainly had her facts straight.  And Trump?  Let's just say you'd have toupee us to vote for him.  But while there are a few decent candidates in the GOP field, their hatred against gays notwithstanding, none of the candidates even come close to the newest horse in the race: Glove Ramsay.

Glove is a normal American, however his resume is anything but that.  He was born in 1744.  He built the first Ford car in 1906.  His daughter is Erin Brockovich.  His brother is scary celeb-u-chef Gordon Ramsay.  His three-legged dog once killed a home invader-- with a gun.  He single-handedly ended the recession...the '80s recession.  He killed Osama Bin Laden AND Saddam Hussein AND Elizabeth Taylor^.  He invented moveable type and the cotton gin.  The list goes on and on.  He's basically a love child of the Dos Equis guy and Chuck Norris.  In short: he is the quintessential American politician, and glad-handing is his middle name (his full name is Glove Glad-handing Ramsay, just so we're clear). 

His politics are not unlike yours.  He believes a deer should be allowed to marry another deer, so long as they aren't Asian.  He thinks the show Homeland really needs to step it up.  He wants free trade with Cuba.  He wants to close all public schools.  He agrees that healthcare should only be for the rich.  He likes tacos.  He collects 3 pensions and doesn't have a problem with being the 1%.  He thinks clean energy is for hippies.  And just when you think he can't get any better and more qualified, try this on for size: he promises to waive the waiting period for potential new gun owners!

Give this hand a job!
To further sweeten the pot, he has already announced a running mate as well.  Drawing inspiration from his infamous brother, Glove has called upon Mr. Hamburger Helper to serve as his vice president.  It's a fitting pair, one that the media will have their mitts all over in no time.  So far their marketing strategy has been flawless.  You really have to give them a hand.

Though we're still months away from the big dance, one thing is certain in 2012: anything is possible.  And if you want a better American you only have one thing to remember:

"No Glove, no love...for America."  (copyright 2012, Glove Ramsay for President, LLC.)

*Don't call me boy.
^In bowling that's called a turkey.

1 comment:

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