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Thursday, January 26, 2012

Starbucks To Offer Beer, Other Products

On the heels of their big announcement a few days ago, Starbucks will continue to expand their brand this year with many new innovations and products.  And it isn't just beer and wine that has people talking this time.  Starbucks has much bigger plans for 2012*, plans that make the end of the Mayan calendar look like the end of an advent calendar.  New locations, uniforms, products, and sales partnerships already have shareholders excited about the future of the company.  CEO Rick "Thanks a latte" Jones is the visionary behind this movement and is determined to get Starbucks into the 22nd century or die trying.

"My first idea was lederhosen," Jones said this morning at a regional press conference.  "But we thought better of that one quickly.  In my mind, I wanted a uniform that would help us sell more product as quickly as possible.  Ultimately we settled on a copy of the Hooters uniform, but with green instead of orange."  This strategy works 2 fold: firstly, if the Starbucks girl is hot, you get quite a show while you wait for your drink.  Secondly, if it's a dude, you'll be out of there faster than you can say, "is that frothed milk on your shorts or are you just absolutely disgusting?"  But here's the genius of that: the sooner you leave the sooner they can serve more customers.  This equates to more business and thus should earn the 'Bucks a few billion extra dollars at the end of the fiscal year.

Who does #2 work for?
But it's not just the clothes that are getting an overhaul.  Many locations are as well.  Some are even moving to more exotic and harder to reach locales so they can re-attract the hipster consumers they slowly lost over the past 20 years.  Jones was quick to comment.  "The thought was that if these places are harder to get to- harder to get in to- then it will become bragging rights for any patron who makes the trek.  That's why we're opening 5 locations in active volcanoes, 3 inside of elementary schools, and a bakers dozen inside barbershops (a place no hipster would be caught dead).  We're also very excited about our Afghanistan and Pakistan locations, a few of which may even be hidden in caves."  They may be on to something with this one, but that's still a fairly limited scope for a company that appears in over 900 countries world-wide.

Tastes just like chicken...and coffee!
"The next move was attracting customers in these new markets," Jones added.  "That's why we're rolling out a slew of new products and partnerships worldwide."  They apparently want to hit the ground running, as many of the plans were rolled out today.  In Peru, Starbucks has partnered with local alpaca farmers to offer the first Starbucks Livestock (Jones was quick to point out that the animals were all fair trade and locally grown, much like their coffee).  In China, Starbucks has plans for a stinky tofu latte, an attempt to tap in to the local culinary scene.  The same goes with Iceland, where Starbucks will soon be offering a "rotting fish herbal tea."  In Somalia, Starbucks plans to launch a pirate-themed drink, which some insiders say could contain rum.  And blood.  North Korean residents will be super stoked about the fact that they are finally allowed to have coffee.  And in India, a Ganges inspired service will allow residents to bring their deceased loved ones to the store to have them recycled into coffee. 

Though this is only the beginning of the many plans Starbucks has for 2012, it's clear that they are making a serious play to become one of the biggest companies in the world.  And in a time of financial uncertainty, it's nice to see a company finally take us for all we're worth.

*world domination

Friday, January 06, 2012

Glove Ramsay Officially Announces Candidacy for President

Boy*, there sure are a lot of idiots running for president, huh?  So many now that it's hard to tell who is actually running, and who just showed up at the wrong address and started talking into a microphone.  There was that black pizza guy.  He was good, he just didn't deliver in 30 minutes or less.  The tea bag lady from Bachman Turner Overdrive?  She certainly had her facts straight.  And Trump?  Let's just say you'd have toupee us to vote for him.  But while there are a few decent candidates in the GOP field, their hatred against gays notwithstanding, none of the candidates even come close to the newest horse in the race: Glove Ramsay.

Glove is a normal American, however his resume is anything but that.  He was born in 1744.  He built the first Ford car in 1906.  His daughter is Erin Brockovich.  His brother is scary celeb-u-chef Gordon Ramsay.  His three-legged dog once killed a home invader-- with a gun.  He single-handedly ended the recession...the '80s recession.  He killed Osama Bin Laden AND Saddam Hussein AND Elizabeth Taylor^.  He invented moveable type and the cotton gin.  The list goes on and on.  He's basically a love child of the Dos Equis guy and Chuck Norris.  In short: he is the quintessential American politician, and glad-handing is his middle name (his full name is Glove Glad-handing Ramsay, just so we're clear). 

His politics are not unlike yours.  He believes a deer should be allowed to marry another deer, so long as they aren't Asian.  He thinks the show Homeland really needs to step it up.  He wants free trade with Cuba.  He wants to close all public schools.  He agrees that healthcare should only be for the rich.  He likes tacos.  He collects 3 pensions and doesn't have a problem with being the 1%.  He thinks clean energy is for hippies.  And just when you think he can't get any better and more qualified, try this on for size: he promises to waive the waiting period for potential new gun owners!

Give this hand a job!
To further sweeten the pot, he has already announced a running mate as well.  Drawing inspiration from his infamous brother, Glove has called upon Mr. Hamburger Helper to serve as his vice president.  It's a fitting pair, one that the media will have their mitts all over in no time.  So far their marketing strategy has been flawless.  You really have to give them a hand.

Though we're still months away from the big dance, one thing is certain in 2012: anything is possible.  And if you want a better American you only have one thing to remember:

"No Glove, no love...for America."  (copyright 2012, Glove Ramsay for President, LLC.)

*Don't call me boy.
^In bowling that's called a turkey.