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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Facebook Launches Post-Mortem Site

In recent weeks, Mark Zuckerberg and the whole team at Facebook has been rolling out update after update, add-on after add-on.  The result?  Most users are unhappy and confused, some even hysterically pregnant.  But instead of listening to their millions of users as they gripe about the new Facebook Video Chat or how your private information seems to be shared with whatever site Facebook chooses, they continue pushing forward with new and innovative ideas.  

One of those new ideas was released earlier today amidst growing concern about parental presence on Facebook.  Why?  Let's be honest here, people: your mom is on facebook.  And maybe your dad is too, just to check out the ladies you keep in your harem friend list.  So there's nothing anyone can do about that at this point without seeming ageist.  But what about Grandma and Grandpa?  What happens if they open an account only to meet their maker shortly thereafter?  What happens to that account?  Where will the photos, the "likes" and the Bejeweled Blitz games go once Gammy's body is in the ground?

Initially, inactive or "dead" accounts as Facebook calls them, were simply deleted.  After all, what's the use of wasting valuable memory on Facebook's massive servers for people that can't even use the site?  But with Facebook's announcement today, that will all slowly start to change.  "Dead" accounts will now be moved to their new post-mortem sister-site Gravebook, and will forever be preserved at the deceased family's behest*.  While some annoying whistle-blowers are appalled by the roll-out, the vast majority of facebook users view the new site as a chance to keep their family legacy alive for generations to come.  Don Featherlumper is just one of the many in favor of the shift.

"My Grandpappy died last week and we can't afford to build a memorial library right now, so Gravebook seems like the next best thing.  Plus now I can still take Pappy's profile fishin', long as I got my wifi card with me." Indeed he can.  Plus, with Zuckerberg's innovative autonomous activity generator, still in it's beta stages, Gravebook will make it seem like your grandpa and grandma are very active in the after life.

"We all thought it would be kind of boring to just have these profiles up as a memorial.  After all, social networking is supposed to be just that: a chance for people to meet, mingle, and share common ideas.  But how can they do that when they're dead?" Zuckerberg said in a hand-written press release on a stained Applebees menu.  "Our new autonomous activity generator gives your grandparents that opportunity by synthesizing what your grandparents might actually be doing in the afterlife.  Living family members will be able to track the deceased's activity on Gravebook just like they do their own on Facebook."

Confusing?  Yes, but it's not without it's charm.  After all, with all of the information Facebook has stolen from every one of us about what we eat, where we live, where we shop, and what books, movies and music we're in to, the autonomous activity generator can create a very realistic and active after life.  Just make sure you set Grandpa's profile to "Roam the Earth" and let Gravebook do the rest. (Note: turn off the "eat brains" setting as well).

While this is just one of many new innovations that Facebook is saturating the market with in recent weeks, it's clear that there are some viable ideas here that can't be ignored.  Gravebook has already sold 1 million dollars in advertising^, and shows no signs of slowing.  So instead of getting a plaque or a fancy plot at your local grave when your elders shuffle off this mortal coil, let Gravebook do the work and let their final resting place be more active than they ever dreamed.

*Or until they all die too, whichever comes first.

^Most of these ads are for The Scooter Store or prominently feature Wilford Brimley.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Terrorists Raise Threat Level To Marinara


The federal government, amidst growing budget crises, moronic presidential candidates, and the general opinion that this country has officially hit the shitter turd-first, found another way to ruffle the feathers of it's citizens this week.  Citing a "reputable source who gave us free beer," the CIA alongside Homeland Security believe terrorist attacks may start to come in different incarnations than we've ever seen before.  The first of which made major headlines in recent weeks as we learned that bombs could be surgically implanted inside of terrorists.  But it's the second, and perhaps more substantial of the threats that has capitol hill shaking in their boots.

Imagine you're part of the forty-four percent of Americans that order delivery pizza at least once a month.  While that number is already startling in and of itself (and you really should start hitting the gym again, tubby), imagine if that pizza you ordered blew up in your face and got hot cheese all over your entire family^.  That's exactly what could happen, if you order the wrong pie.

"We're calling it threat level: marinara, and we've really never seen anything like it," FDA administrator Paul Fregalo admitted to Congress last week.  "Sleeper cell terrorists are taking jobs at Pizza Huts across the country and planting bombs inside stuffed crust pizzas.  It's insanity, the complexity of the plan.  We were lucky enough to catch the first bomb before it did any damage*, but we just don't have the resources to monitor every Pizza Hut in the country.  Eventually one will go off, and it's consequences could send a ripple through our 'bring me the food and chew it for me' society." 

And it's getting trickier by the day too.  Just weeks after a Pizza Hut hiring-spree where the company filled 20,000 jobs in just under a week, Pizza Hut Corp. is now being scrutinized for some of the employees they signed to managerial positions.  20% of them are Pakistani natives, another 15% Yemeni.  "What were we supposed to do?" CEO Peter "Pepperoni" Jones candidly responded to the press outside one of his many Dallas, Texas locations.  "They all have doctorates and PHd's and they show up on time.  Who wouldn't hire them over a pimply 20-year-old whose never been to a dentist?"

A valid point.  Still, many argue that this could cripple the pizza market leaving many inept mothers wondering how they'll feed their families.  And as stuffed crust pizza prices fall with the growing threat, you can count on some percentage of the population to risk it anyway just to save a few bucks.  After all, that's the country we live in now.  No, not a place where right and wrong are decided based on what's good for our people, but rather what's the cheapest way to solve the problem, and how can we get this done with a band-aid instead of stitches?

Until major sweeping changes are made, expect things to get a whole lot worse before they get better.  And we all know what that means: exploding calzones!

^ Which is like so hard to clean.
* The pizza in question?  A garlic chicken and cantaloupe pizza delivered to...where else?  A Domino's!