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Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Amidst Economic Woes, Hobosexual Population On The Rise

Recessions are bad news, even for the rich.  As our country slips deeper and deeper into the red, several movements have emerged as a means of non-violent protest to the situation at hand.  The now-worldwide Occupy protests, Anonymous and the Wikileaks/first amendment debate, national switch banks day, the list goes on and on.  But there's one sect of our population that has swelled with each tenth of a percentage point the national unemployment rate has risen: the homeless.  And with so many Americans determining their lives would be improved if they left their homes and possessions behind for a nomadic life of uncertainty, many are starting to wonder if the Hobo Movement is actually gaining legitimate traction.  Now, with the hobo population at its highest in recorded U.S. history bigger questions are being asked.  What does this mean for future generations of hobos?  With so many hobos meeting each other and, in turn, potentially finding a mate, should they be allowed to marry?  Or is hobosexuality just a passing fad like Pogs or affirmative action?

The debate proves difficult to assess, though the lines have already clearly been drawn.  On the one side, people for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness regardless of race, gender or sexual preference, think that the hobosexuals, or "bindlers" as they are derogatorily referred to, should be allowed to do as they please.  "They aren't hurting anyone," Richard Simmons, long time hobosexual rights activist and fitness guru said to the press Monday.  "What?  So their clothes smell, they urinate in public, and they leave trash everywhere.  How is that any different to what each of us do on a regular basis?"  A valid contention that still leaves room for interpretation, especially when one considers the good things the hobosexual population do for the rest of us: digging through dumpsters to recycle the items we lazily throw away, eating the food off the ground that we don't finish, getting so tan and leathery that they could be made into 1000 wallets.  These are the kinds of things that we home-o-sexuals (that's people with homes) take for granted.  And were we ever to lose the hobosexual population, the fallout would surely be felt nationwide. 

Still, there's many on the other side who feel quite differently.  "Let's think about hobosexuals for a moment," M.I.T. Political Science Department Chair Augustus Kleefen pondered while eating a foot long hoagie with no tomatoes.  "They don't pay taxes, they don't submit their data to the census bureau, they ignore crosswalk signs, many of them look as if they'd be happier if they were dead; or worse- if we were dead."  A bit of hyperbole, but many seem to agree.  After all, if two hobosexuals were to marry, would they file a joint tax return?  "They wouldn't file any return," Kleefen quipped.  "Cause they're hobos.  What are they going to claim as their earnings?  6 buttons and a Care Bears sleeping bag they found in a gutter?  You know what I mean?"  Many don't know what he means, but that's never really mattered in America.  

And after all, with so much other crap going on in the world, the debate as to if two people who love each other should be allowed to get married seems moot to say the least.  The real concern is if those hobos want to adopt.  Then we've got some real problems to address.  In the meantime, awareness of the hobosexual cause has landed front and center as the "it" social debate in America today, perhaps a scapegoat for the burgeoning financial state of the world, or perhaps because a debate about freedom and sexual equality is as old as eating wax beans out of a tin can over a oil drum fire.