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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Terrorists Raise Threat Level To Marinara


The federal government, amidst growing budget crises, moronic presidential candidates, and the general opinion that this country has officially hit the shitter turd-first, found another way to ruffle the feathers of it's citizens this week.  Citing a "reputable source who gave us free beer," the CIA alongside Homeland Security believe terrorist attacks may start to come in different incarnations than we've ever seen before.  The first of which made major headlines in recent weeks as we learned that bombs could be surgically implanted inside of terrorists.  But it's the second, and perhaps more substantial of the threats that has capitol hill shaking in their boots.

Imagine you're part of the forty-four percent of Americans that order delivery pizza at least once a month.  While that number is already startling in and of itself (and you really should start hitting the gym again, tubby), imagine if that pizza you ordered blew up in your face and got hot cheese all over your entire family^.  That's exactly what could happen, if you order the wrong pie.

"We're calling it threat level: marinara, and we've really never seen anything like it," FDA administrator Paul Fregalo admitted to Congress last week.  "Sleeper cell terrorists are taking jobs at Pizza Huts across the country and planting bombs inside stuffed crust pizzas.  It's insanity, the complexity of the plan.  We were lucky enough to catch the first bomb before it did any damage*, but we just don't have the resources to monitor every Pizza Hut in the country.  Eventually one will go off, and it's consequences could send a ripple through our 'bring me the food and chew it for me' society." 

And it's getting trickier by the day too.  Just weeks after a Pizza Hut hiring-spree where the company filled 20,000 jobs in just under a week, Pizza Hut Corp. is now being scrutinized for some of the employees they signed to managerial positions.  20% of them are Pakistani natives, another 15% Yemeni.  "What were we supposed to do?" CEO Peter "Pepperoni" Jones candidly responded to the press outside one of his many Dallas, Texas locations.  "They all have doctorates and PHd's and they show up on time.  Who wouldn't hire them over a pimply 20-year-old whose never been to a dentist?"

A valid point.  Still, many argue that this could cripple the pizza market leaving many inept mothers wondering how they'll feed their families.  And as stuffed crust pizza prices fall with the growing threat, you can count on some percentage of the population to risk it anyway just to save a few bucks.  After all, that's the country we live in now.  No, not a place where right and wrong are decided based on what's good for our people, but rather what's the cheapest way to solve the problem, and how can we get this done with a band-aid instead of stitches?

Until major sweeping changes are made, expect things to get a whole lot worse before they get better.  And we all know what that means: exploding calzones!

^ Which is like so hard to clean.
* The pizza in question?  A garlic chicken and cantaloupe pizza delivered to...where else?  A Domino's!

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