Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Terrorists Raise Threat Level To Marinara
The federal government, amidst growing budget crises, moronic presidential candidates, and the general opinion that this country has officially hit the shitter turd-first, found another way to ruffle the feathers of it's citizens this week. Citing a "reputable source who gave us free beer," the CIA alongside Homeland Security believe terrorist attacks may start to come in different incarnations than we've ever seen before. The first of which made major headlines in recent weeks as we learned that bombs could be surgically implanted inside of terrorists. But it's the second, and perhaps more substantial of the threats that has capitol hill shaking in their boots.
Imagine you're part of the forty-four percent of Americans that order delivery pizza at least once a month. While that number is already startling in and of itself (and you really should start hitting the gym again, tubby), imagine if that pizza you ordered blew up in your face and got hot cheese all over your entire family^. That's exactly what could happen, if you order the wrong pie.
And it's getting trickier by the day too. Just weeks after a Pizza Hut hiring-spree where the company filled 20,000 jobs in just under a week, Pizza Hut Corp. is now being scrutinized for some of the employees they signed to managerial positions. 20% of them are Pakistani natives, another 15% Yemeni. "What were we supposed to do?" CEO Peter "Pepperoni" Jones candidly responded to the press outside one of his many Dallas, Texas locations. "They all have doctorates and PHd's and they show up on time. Who wouldn't hire them over a pimply 20-year-old whose never been to a dentist?"
Until major sweeping changes are made, expect things to get a whole lot worse before they get better. And we all know what that means: exploding calzones!
^ Which is like so hard to clean.
* The pizza in question? A garlic chicken and cantaloupe pizza delivered to...where else? A Domino's!