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Monday, June 20, 2011

Lebron James Joins WNBA In Search of Ring

Just when we thought the star of last year's "announcement" couldn't alienate himself from the sports world any further, the NBA Finals loser Lebron James has called yet another press conference to discuss what the next step in his career will be.  When he took the stage last Wednesday in the American Airlines Arena stew room, many fans wondered if the rumors they heard could possibly be true.  Would Lebron leave Miami for another city?  Maybe New York this go round?  Or would he trade in his cocky attitude and apologize for belittling the team that wiped their butts with his face the week before during the NBA finals, finally showing some of that humility the press kept begging for?  In true Lebron fashion, he kept his mouth shut until the cameras were rolling (the man is a master at building suspense after all, just ask his long time pal M. Night Shymalan), then he dropped the bomb.

"The NBA has been great to me, but I think it's time I move on," he opened with, leaving tens if not twentys of reporters and Miami Heat PR staffers stunned for the second time in a little over a year.  "Realistically I just don't think I'm going to get a ring here.  Or maybe we'll get one...but I wanted two hands worth, like MJ.  You know, Michael Jackson?  He always wore lots of rings, and his music is still fresh to me.  Anyway, because of that, I have decided that it's time I move on, which is why I am announcing today that I am taking my talents to the WNBA.  Specifically, to the Wichita Warblers."

Though the Warblers don't exist -- YET -- Lebron, alongside league officials and first lady Michelle Obama, felt confident that his 30 million dollar donation should help get the proverbial ball rolling.  "It's all about keeping active," Michelle Obama commented, as she always seems to.  "Basketball is fun for the whole family, and with just 30 minutes of exercise a day you can keep healthy and happy.  Lebron exemplifies this spirit, which is why we at the white house are going to get him a ring no matter what it takes!"

Though her passion could not be misconstrued, several critics are already asking the obvious: Won't this give the Warblers -- once they exist -- an unfair advantage over the rest of the teams in the league given that he isn't a woman?  Yahoo sports writer Inez Gazpacho doesn't think so.  "Considering that Lebron will almost never pass the ball, and given his propensity to choke late in games, I think they should be fine.  Besides, what's the worst that could happen?"

James, never wanting to be undone by the press, is taking it one step further by meeting with Juana Mann star Kevin Pollock as he researches his new job.  Some Warblers insiders even claim that he has been meeting with Chaz Bono and Warbler team trainers as well about officially making the switch.  "One thing I don't want is an asterisk next to my name in the history books," James said outside the Wichita center for Gender Reassignment.  "I just want to get my rings, buy that island I've had my eye on, and hang out with Jay-Z for the rest of my life.  And if I couldn't do it in Cleveland, and I completely failed at doing it in Miami, hopefully Wichita will be the place." 

And if not?

"If not I guess I'll go back to being a man again and just play the game I loved so much, you know, before I thought I was too good for it."

Wouldn't that be a maverick move.