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Friday, April 22, 2011

Study: Why Do Girlfriends Hate Rock & Roll?

We've all been there before: driving our cars, our fine ass girlfriends by our sides, as we jam to some of our favorite music.  It's an idyllic moment, one that our fathers and grandfathers also got to enjoy in their lifetimes.  After all, when else do we have that much direct control over our world?  We've chosen who we want to be with, we're choosing where we want to go, and we know what we want to listen to as we go there.  More often than not however, a feminine-twinged if not pink ipod emerges from your girlfriend's purse.  Suddenly your world comes crashing down as a terrible Train song takes over the airwaves of your car.  Your mood is affected, and with it goes your cool demeanor behind the wheel.  You begin to drive much more aggressively, the conversation turns to mild fighting, and before you know it you're microwaving your own dinner in your dirty underwear- at your neighbor's place!

 For years I thought this was standard practice; an age old battle of the sexes as each tries to assert their place on the totem pole.  The reality, however, is much more shocking: girlfriends hate rock and roll. 

But why?  Is it curable?  Should you dump your girlfriend today and try to find one that loves rock and roll as much as you do?  Good luck, pal!  Statistics recently released from the Duke Lacrosse Science Lab indicate that only 1 in 14 American women actually like rock and roll, putting your chances at bagging one somewhere around 7%.  Worse still, within that 7%, only 1 of 50 women like rock and or roll that improvises or includes soloing in any way.  And if history is any indication, it's only going to get worse.

Remember back in 1994 when that group of moms said they needed to slap a label on any album they deemed "potentially inappropriate?"  The Parental Advisory, they called themselves, and their numbers are stronger than ever today, branching out to several other organizations across America that never needed their help to begin with.  Case and point: kids can't even be bullied anymore without some obnoxious mom stepping in to declare it a national epidemic*.  But let's think about those moms from 1994 for a moment.  Who were they in 1984?  In 1974?  Were they on the path to being Suzy Homemaker or were they in their boyfriend's  T-top Camaro listening to Fog Hat's "Slow Ride," and hating life?  The evolution seems crystal clear to me.

Today those mothers may be grandmothers, but they are educating an entire new generation of girls to live the same way.  "Why listen to Queen, my precious granddaughter, when you can listen to Queen done by the cast of Glee?  It's so much better this way^.  Also, Freddy Mercury was a sinner."  The trend shows no signs of slowing.  And with rock's best years well behind us now, many insiders are wondering what to do before it's completely forgotten.

"It's more than alarming," Frank "Solid Gold" Temurmac said from his office at Capitol Records in Hollywood last week.  "If there's anything I can encourage kids to do today it's to listen to as much rock and roll as you can.  And be mindful of what you buy, too.  There are a lot of wusses masquerading as rockers out there.  David Cook, Maroon 5, Kanye West.  Don't let these phonies in.  Stick to your Hendrix, your Meatloaf, your Nirvana.  Rock as hard as you can for as long as you can because someday the sun is going to explode.  If that rationale means you're single for the rest of your life, than so be it!  I've been married 8 times and look where it got me?"

Truth. 

*In my day, we had fights at the bus stop.  Epic fights at the bus stop.  
^BARF.

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