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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Obama Death Certificate Released 50 Years Early


Can America get anything right these days?  Foreign born presidents, white house party crashers, Jada Pinkett Smith being invited to the Easter Egg Roll?  We're two clicks away from being a third world country and the whole world is starting to take notice.  And as if things couldn't get any worse for the flailing democracy, early this morning wikileaks released Obama's death certificate fifty years early, finally cementing the fact that our current president will someday die.  Shocking to say the least.

Not to be undone by natural life processes confined to this planet (or any other presumably), the Obama camp released a statement in response to speculation that he might be an immortal superbeing from the far off galaxy Clagulon-X.  In it he calls the public opinion nothing more than that: opinion.  "I've been alive for over 200 years, and I'll live another 450.  Just watch.  Clagulons don't die.  We simply evolve.  Like Vampires."  Though the release was much lengthier and rife with plenty of that Obama-pizzaz Americans have come to love, we here at Great Scott! quit paying attention long before he could finish talking (a mantra we've carried through every presidency we've lived to see).

Regardless of the president's terrestrial origins however, there's simply no way to tell if Obama's death certificate is real or fake.  On the one hand, it's easy to assume that Obama is just a regular guy like anyone else.  He drinks beer, he plays basketball, and he shoots missiles at countries we want to "shape up" just like everybody else.  SO naturally, one day he will die just like we will.  But unless we can travel many years into the future, we simply can't authenticate or falsify the document.  So there will always be some notion in the back of our minds that it could be real.  In fact, early reports of panic have begun to trickle in as citizens worry that we'll need a replacement soon, clearly having forgotten that a U.S. president can only serve 2 terms before they get das boot, giving Obama another 46+ years on this earth after his second term would potentially end.

Still, it's a dilly of a pickle of a situation, one that could hurt Obama during his campaign for reelection over the next year.  Will people be able to look past our undead leader and his questionable life expectancy?  Or will they get bogged down in details that may be completely fake?  It's hard to say.  Until then we advise anyone with half a brain to look out for zombies.  Cause that's what they like to eat.

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