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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Obama Death Certificate Released 50 Years Early

Can America get anything right these days?  Foreign born presidents, white house party crashers, Jada Pinkett Smith being invited to the Easter Egg Roll?  We're two clicks away from being a third world country and the whole world is starting to take notice.  And as if things couldn't get any worse for the flailing democracy, early this morning wikileaks released Obama's death certificate fifty years early, finally cementing the fact that our current president will someday die.  Shocking to say the least.

Not to be undone by natural life processes confined to this planet (or any other presumably), the Obama camp released a statement in response to speculation that he might be an immortal superbeing from the far off galaxy Clagulon-X.  In it he calls the public opinion nothing more than that: opinion.  "I've been alive for over 200 years, and I'll live another 450.  Just watch.  Clagulons don't die.  We simply evolve.  Like Vampires."  Though the release was much lengthier and rife with plenty of that Obama-pizzaz Americans have come to love, we here at Great Scott! quit paying attention long before he could finish talking (a mantra we've carried through every presidency we've lived to see).

Regardless of the president's terrestrial origins however, there's simply no way to tell if Obama's death certificate is real or fake.  On the one hand, it's easy to assume that Obama is just a regular guy like anyone else.  He drinks beer, he plays basketball, and he shoots missiles at countries we want to "shape up" just like everybody else.  SO naturally, one day he will die just like we will.  But unless we can travel many years into the future, we simply can't authenticate or falsify the document.  So there will always be some notion in the back of our minds that it could be real.  In fact, early reports of panic have begun to trickle in as citizens worry that we'll need a replacement soon, clearly having forgotten that a U.S. president can only serve 2 terms before they get das boot, giving Obama another 46+ years on this earth after his second term would potentially end.

Still, it's a dilly of a pickle of a situation, one that could hurt Obama during his campaign for reelection over the next year.  Will people be able to look past our undead leader and his questionable life expectancy?  Or will they get bogged down in details that may be completely fake?  It's hard to say.  Until then we advise anyone with half a brain to look out for zombies.  Cause that's what they like to eat.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Study: Why Do Girlfriends Hate Rock & Roll?

We've all been there before: driving our cars, our fine ass girlfriends by our sides, as we jam to some of our favorite music.  It's an idyllic moment, one that our fathers and grandfathers also got to enjoy in their lifetimes.  After all, when else do we have that much direct control over our world?  We've chosen who we want to be with, we're choosing where we want to go, and we know what we want to listen to as we go there.  More often than not however, a feminine-twinged if not pink ipod emerges from your girlfriend's purse.  Suddenly your world comes crashing down as a terrible Train song takes over the airwaves of your car.  Your mood is affected, and with it goes your cool demeanor behind the wheel.  You begin to drive much more aggressively, the conversation turns to mild fighting, and before you know it you're microwaving your own dinner in your dirty underwear- at your neighbor's place!

 For years I thought this was standard practice; an age old battle of the sexes as each tries to assert their place on the totem pole.  The reality, however, is much more shocking: girlfriends hate rock and roll. 

But why?  Is it curable?  Should you dump your girlfriend today and try to find one that loves rock and roll as much as you do?  Good luck, pal!  Statistics recently released from the Duke Lacrosse Science Lab indicate that only 1 in 14 American women actually like rock and roll, putting your chances at bagging one somewhere around 7%.  Worse still, within that 7%, only 1 of 50 women like rock and or roll that improvises or includes soloing in any way.  And if history is any indication, it's only going to get worse.

Remember back in 1994 when that group of moms said they needed to slap a label on any album they deemed "potentially inappropriate?"  The Parental Advisory, they called themselves, and their numbers are stronger than ever today, branching out to several other organizations across America that never needed their help to begin with.  Case and point: kids can't even be bullied anymore without some obnoxious mom stepping in to declare it a national epidemic*.  But let's think about those moms from 1994 for a moment.  Who were they in 1984?  In 1974?  Were they on the path to being Suzy Homemaker or were they in their boyfriend's  T-top Camaro listening to Fog Hat's "Slow Ride," and hating life?  The evolution seems crystal clear to me.

Today those mothers may be grandmothers, but they are educating an entire new generation of girls to live the same way.  "Why listen to Queen, my precious granddaughter, when you can listen to Queen done by the cast of Glee?  It's so much better this way^.  Also, Freddy Mercury was a sinner."  The trend shows no signs of slowing.  And with rock's best years well behind us now, many insiders are wondering what to do before it's completely forgotten.

"It's more than alarming," Frank "Solid Gold" Temurmac said from his office at Capitol Records in Hollywood last week.  "If there's anything I can encourage kids to do today it's to listen to as much rock and roll as you can.  And be mindful of what you buy, too.  There are a lot of wusses masquerading as rockers out there.  David Cook, Maroon 5, Kanye West.  Don't let these phonies in.  Stick to your Hendrix, your Meatloaf, your Nirvana.  Rock as hard as you can for as long as you can because someday the sun is going to explode.  If that rationale means you're single for the rest of your life, than so be it!  I've been married 8 times and look where it got me?"


*In my day, we had fights at the bus stop.  Epic fights at the bus stop.  

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Pardon Our Mess

Hello loyal minions!  Apologies for the lack of content as of recent.  Great Scott! is in the process of moving from here:
to here:

Well, not exactly.  But that's how it feels!

We'll be back next week with new content, including our first recurring installment: reader questions!

Until then, please pardon the dust as we transfer to our new home!

Great Scott!

Monday, April 04, 2011

Girl Scouts Under Fire For Thin Mints

Image is everything in our society, especially for women.  And nothing speaks more to one's image than weight.  As a response to this, thousands of miracle diets, pills, and work out regimens are out there to help.  The problem is that most of them are quick fixes designed to help women (generally speaking) improve their image and in turn their self confidence.  At the same time, our society is also trying to break down these antiquated social constructs of yesteryear in an attempt to put an end to this madness, but many wonder if the problem can even be solved, given how ingrained the notion of weight and "being skinny" are to women today, even from a very young age.  No, we're not talking about Toddlers and Tiaras.  Today, the focus is on the Girl Scouts of America and their manipulative nomenclature when it comes to their one and only product line: drugs cookies.
First and foremost, the notion of kids selling anything is particularly odd.  We can't legally hire them to work until they are 15 & 1/2 (dag nab it!), but they can peddle cookies and magazine subscriptions to us from birth.  And if we ignore them, like we do with so many panhandlers and Mormons, we're viewed as the 'bad guys' who don't give a kid a chance to sell his or her wares.  Fortunately, the world of print is dying, so unless kids start selling digital subscriptions for ipad, that era has all but ended.  But the Girl Scouts of America and their cookies seem to only be gaining steam, covering more corners than Marlow Stanfield*.

If you're able to get past the salesmanship, as it seems everyone has^, a new issue becomes immediately apparent.  Should little girls be selling products that emphasize thinness?  Isn't this just creating a complex in their little minds that will stay with them for the rest of their lives?  Many people, like Duke University's Cary Clarke, think so.

"The Thin Mint is the number one selling cookie for the Girl Scouts, so the word 'thin' is the word they see most in their young lives.  And because so many people approach them to buy the 'thin' cookies, the girls begin to make a connection: 'people want thin, so I have to be thin.'  Over time this goes from being a subconscious desire to being very forward in the mind.  Generally speaking, men want skinnier women.  Smoking-hot lesbians do too.  So the notion gets further reinforced when a girl, who by anyone else's standards looks perfectly healthy, can't get a date, but sees her skinnier (and presumably more obnoxious) friend succeed with no problem.  And it only grows exponentially from there."

Indeed it does.  Weight, or weight loss, rather, has reached levels of dementia in this country. Beyond the bevvy of eating disorders and out there, there's also the world of modeling, which, until very recently, was composed of women who looked like they just escaped from a "Kiss the Girls" style dungeon.  Luckily the 'visible sternum' model seems to be a thing of the past, but it doesn't end there.  The term 'plus size model' often elicits the image of a girl who looks over weight to the naked eye when really the majority of them are of average weight and height, if not healthier than.  So how can we expect to curb this problem when we're so set in our ways? 

"Quite frankly, we can't," Clarke added.  "But we're in luck.  As it happens, the United States is more over-weight than it's ever been, so it's helping our cause immensely.  And while this isn't the long-term answer, it should help tip the scales and eventually balance things back out.  Although I guess the problem with that idea is that it will take 100 skinny people on one side of the scale to equal one Mississippi resident.  We'll have to fudge the numbers a bit, but I assure you things are changing for the better."

Maybe.  Until then, we here at Great Scott! would like to offer a name change for the iconic cookie in the hopes it will initiate the change we're all seeking in the world.  Here's a few options:

-Regular Sized Mints
-Big Fat Mints
-Mint Roundies
-Think Mints (promotes the mind!)
-Then Mints...not for now, for then.
-Image Isn't Everything Mints
-Fat Lady Mints
-U.S. Mints
-Tough Cookies
-Black Girl on a Zip Line Cookies

*And those moms are better muscle than Chris and Snoop ever were.
^or maybe we're just complacent, like we are with so much else in the world.