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Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Account Dracula or Bank of Transylvania

In a not so surprising announcement today, Bank of America will be introducing several changes in an attempt to tap into to the multi-billion dollar cash camel that is America's youth.  The strategy involves cross branding their banking services with what they call, "culturally influential pop culture" in their redundant press statement; a fairly common move by many large corporations that seek to reconnect with society and draw new, younger customers.  And while many simply expected a stadium to be renamed or the likes thereof, Bank of America has different plans in mind that has many heads turning.  Young and hip plans, not unlike that Oscar ceremony last weekend.  This will mean many sweeping changes for the mega-bank from a corporate perspective including new protocol, lower age restrictions on accounts, and several new account types, each more incessantly themed than the last.  Though the bank only rolled one of their new ideas today, apparently it affects every one of their personal banking customers nationwide.

"We call it the Twilight account, and we think you're really going to like it... and quite frankly, even if you don't, too bad," C.E.O. Fancyleather Goldman, III said in the press conference this morning.  He then climbed back onto his platinum rhinoceros and demolished the back wall to exit the building.  Before the roof gave way killing several press members, we were able to gather this much: the new account features one distinct, if not obvious change from your old account: higher fees each month.  Now up to $8.95, Bank of America boasts the highest customer account fee per month of any major bank in the United States. 

In lesser news, the bank has also embarked on a record-setting one-billion dollar philanthropic effort for 2011, demolishing their most recently tabulated effort of 200 million in 2008.  While many people are overwhelmed by their tremendous generosity, we here at Great Scott! can't help but be a bit annoyed.  After all, we too donate to worthwhile causes, many of which are near and dear to our hearts: the puffin research center of Anchorage Alaska, the silversmith's union of greater Branson, Missouri, and the often overlooked loggers of Brazil without whose efforts, the world would be junk mail free.  The point is that we like to see where our money goes rather than having it slowly sucked dry without us being able to do anything about it.  And we like to take credit for donating it ourselves too, thank you.  Uncle Sam does too.  He gives us a pat on the back every year and says, "why not have a little for yourself now."  And we do.  It's a square deal, I tells ya.

So before Bank of America announces they are fighting pirates or cleaning the garbage out of the pacific ocean- something world changing- we'd like our $8.95 back, please.  And we'd like you guys to be a lot more like the vampires of old and a lot less like the vampires of new: instead of passively taking our money and improving your image like an Edward or a Jacob, use it on the bank like you're supposed to.  It's how Dracula saved up to get that castle.  He flipped houses for a while, appreciating the work as he did it.  He reinvested in himself and look what it got him?  A mountain, and a castle, and fear respect from everyone below.  Now it's your turn, guys. Put up or shut up.

Good talk.

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