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Monday, January 31, 2011

"Do It" Centers Under Fire As Recession Hits Blue-Collar Sex-Addicts

As the home flipping industry finally bottoms out, hardware stores are having a much harder time getting people through their doors.  Jane and Juan Doe have no surplus income to buy a second home yet alone flip it for profit, and thus their money is being spent elsewhere (if not being saved).  But even with their dwindling returns, there's still a certain type of client hardware stores want nothing to do with: the sexual exhibitionist. 

It happened last Thursday in a "Do It" Center just outside of Akron, Ohio.  A couple was seen entering the store dressed like normal functioning members of society.  Heck, they could have even been there to get keys duplicated-- that's just how normal they looked.  But within minutes they both de-robed in the lumber area, laid down, and did the nasty*.  Patrons across the store were beyond startled, their "guffaws" and "chortles" only silenced by the deafening climaxes of a couple in heat.  And though the couple was taken into custody and eventually arrested (well, after they toweled off and redressed), the scene was merely an echo of a growing trend among sexually adventurous couples. 

"My wife says I can't work on the house anymore, but that seems to be the only thing that turns my wheels these days.  Well, besides sex in public.  So it was only natural that I put the two together," Vernon Smiggly said to reporters as he was pushed into the squad car. 

His wife (we assume), only agreed.  "True, people who have sex use more hardware.  In fact, they make regular use of their own hardware.  And with all the wood here, the burly men sweating through their paint and taco-sauce stained shirts, the screws and screw drivers....oh my, I'm getting turned on just thinking about it."

 Though this is the first of such incidents reported, don't be surprised if it happens again.  "One thing we sex freaks love is the internet," Vernon added as he waited to be processed at the station.  "So if we can do it, you can bet there will be some copy cats out there doing the same thing here pretty soon."

In fact, some businesses are already starting to take note.  Like Steve of Ames, Iowa (who shall remain last-nameless so he can still attend service at his church each week).  "We had just filed for bankruptcy protection when we realized what a cash cow we were sitting on.  Oh, I call my thumb 'cash cow,' just so you know.  Anyway, after I read about people fornicating in a Do It Center, I decided to reopen our doors and see if we couldn't attract some wierdos ourselves."

And re-open they did.  In fact, as of press time this morning, the People's Do It Center of Ames is boasting it highest turn out in over a decade.  Local sex-enthusiast Cindee Jacobs couldn't be happier about it.  "It's like I told my 15 year old student/boyfriend, Billy.  'Now that we can be lovers in public, the laws will eventually change in our favor.'  The days of persecution are all but a thing of the past now!"

Though Jacobs may be knocking on wood as she hopes for a better tomorrow, she's not alone.  Store manager Steve elaborated.  "We have over forty different kinds of wood here, in many different lengths and widths.  So virtually anyone can come down here and wrap their hands around a big, thick piece of---"

For Great Scott! I'm puking in a trash can.

*and it was.

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