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Monday, January 31, 2011

"Do It" Centers Under Fire As Recession Hits Blue-Collar Sex-Addicts

As the home flipping industry finally bottoms out, hardware stores are having a much harder time getting people through their doors.  Jane and Juan Doe have no surplus income to buy a second home yet alone flip it for profit, and thus their money is being spent elsewhere (if not being saved).  But even with their dwindling returns, there's still a certain type of client hardware stores want nothing to do with: the sexual exhibitionist. 

It happened last Thursday in a "Do It" Center just outside of Akron, Ohio.  A couple was seen entering the store dressed like normal functioning members of society.  Heck, they could have even been there to get keys duplicated-- that's just how normal they looked.  But within minutes they both de-robed in the lumber area, laid down, and did the nasty*.  Patrons across the store were beyond startled, their "guffaws" and "chortles" only silenced by the deafening climaxes of a couple in heat.  And though the couple was taken into custody and eventually arrested (well, after they toweled off and redressed), the scene was merely an echo of a growing trend among sexually adventurous couples. 

"My wife says I can't work on the house anymore, but that seems to be the only thing that turns my wheels these days.  Well, besides sex in public.  So it was only natural that I put the two together," Vernon Smiggly said to reporters as he was pushed into the squad car. 

His wife (we assume), only agreed.  "True, people who have sex use more hardware.  In fact, they make regular use of their own hardware.  And with all the wood here, the burly men sweating through their paint and taco-sauce stained shirts, the screws and screw drivers....oh my, I'm getting turned on just thinking about it."

 Though this is the first of such incidents reported, don't be surprised if it happens again.  "One thing we sex freaks love is the internet," Vernon added as he waited to be processed at the station.  "So if we can do it, you can bet there will be some copy cats out there doing the same thing here pretty soon."

In fact, some businesses are already starting to take note.  Like Steve of Ames, Iowa (who shall remain last-nameless so he can still attend service at his church each week).  "We had just filed for bankruptcy protection when we realized what a cash cow we were sitting on.  Oh, I call my thumb 'cash cow,' just so you know.  Anyway, after I read about people fornicating in a Do It Center, I decided to reopen our doors and see if we couldn't attract some wierdos ourselves."

And re-open they did.  In fact, as of press time this morning, the People's Do It Center of Ames is boasting it highest turn out in over a decade.  Local sex-enthusiast Cindee Jacobs couldn't be happier about it.  "It's like I told my 15 year old student/boyfriend, Billy.  'Now that we can be lovers in public, the laws will eventually change in our favor.'  The days of persecution are all but a thing of the past now!"

Though Jacobs may be knocking on wood as she hopes for a better tomorrow, she's not alone.  Store manager Steve elaborated.  "We have over forty different kinds of wood here, in many different lengths and widths.  So virtually anyone can come down here and wrap their hands around a big, thick piece of---"

For Great Scott! I'm puking in a trash can.

*and it was.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Barbarian Days Needs Your Help!

Every so often a film comes along that's worth your attention.  Especially when that film is one you're making.  Which is the case here. 

Great Scott!'s film needs your help!  PGet your very own DVD of the movie in the process.  Just click on the video above, or on the widget to your right. 

And for more info on the film, visit the official website for the movie here.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Running From Something Still Most Popular Reason To Exercise

 It's a new year and that can only mean one thing: many of you have set out to tackle lofty personal goals that you'll end up breaking by February 1st.  For most, that means spending your holiday bonuses on expensive running shoes, aerodynamic crotchless pants, and elastic shirts.  But does that mean self improvement is around the corner?  A new bit of research suggests "No.  It isn't."  In fact, the very sport of running/jogging is nothing more than an exercise in futility, if that.

Companies like Nike, Adidas, and New Balance offer a variety of high-tech garments and shoes to make you feel like you're really going to make a change.  Some even offer iDevice friendly applications that allow you to monitor your progress (or conversely watch your old self slip away) as you work.  But none of them give you a real motivation to get out there and break a sweat.  That's why running is such an odd phenomenon in our modern world today: there's no points, no clear cut winner, and nothing making you do it.  Which is probably why so many of you losers fail.

But rest easy, pear-shaped readers!  A new bit of research from The British Academy of Why We Do Stuff contends that it's not your fault!  It's actually your subconscious thoughts combined with the environment you live in that's the culprit.  The Berkshire, England based firm tested over 1000 subjects in 60 different countries, and the results all but speak for themselves. 

"Course, that'd be a little odd too, now wouldn't it?" scientist Sam Peesly said with a mouth full of cockney*.  "Results speaking for themselves.  They wouldn't need us scientists then.  Well, maybe one to press play, but that's it."

"As it turns out, people prefer to run 'from' things," he continued.  "Lions, explosions, clowns, Bobbies^...the point is this: humans reach their greatest speeds, and thus their greatest fat burning potential, when an external catalyst triggers a reaction from them."

So if you're stuck this winter with no motivation to exercise, try having a rapist chase you with a gun.  Let a really mean and rabid dog loose and tie a steak to your butt.  Or visit the lovely Middle East.  But don't kid yourself into thinking "this is the year I make a change," cause you've got absolutely nothing to do with it. 

Happy 2011 from all of us here at Great Scott!

^Bobbies are cops.  Aren't British people weird?

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Real Smoking Gun Dot Com

Now that authorities have gotten wise to the cry-for-help letter or the, "I ate 10 Advil," feigned suicide attempt, teens will have to find another way to let their emotional pains be heard en mass.  Because of that, and given a teenagers general resourcefulness when handed a computer, a new trend is developing that has many parents worried out the wazoo.  It's called "profile suicide" and it's a fad that is plaguing social networking sites from Badoo to Xango and everything in between*.  

To learn more about it, we reached out to the very first recorded facebook profile suicide, Betsy :) Martinez of San Jose, California, former handle gr82cu!.  And no, that's not a typo, her username was created at a time when punctuation was still prevalent in emails and digital monikers (a short sighted human programming error the likes of Y2K or the iphone alarm bug of 01/11^).  It might seem silly to call someone old in the social networking world, it's origins dating back only a decade or so, but Betsy has seen it all by this point.  Or at least been forwarded it.

"Being a woman of 18 years of age, it's hard to imagine wanting to end them all.  My profiles, I mean.  But some days I'd wake up and think, 'would anyone even notice if they were gone,' you know?  My profiles?"  A feeling surely echoed by many troubled youths, especially those in upper-middle class suburban neighborhoods who've had no real plight their entire lives thus far.  Still, one can't help but wonder if she had a point.  That's why in early 2006, just after facebook went public, Betsy CTRL+ALT+DEL her entire e-life.  And she's never felt better since. 

"One thing I noticed is that I actually go outside now.  And like, instead of playing wheel of fortune on facebook, I just watch it on my TV.  It's little simple differences like these that have reminded me life is totally worth living.  All the ups, the downs, the crippling lows when I don't get 600 birthday wishes-- they're all worth it," she prattled, eyes bulging out of her head.  Though her diabetes had almost completely ended her ability to stand, it's clear Betsy now walks on the righteous path.

But is profile suicide right for everyone?  The stigma of any form of suicide may be too much for most people to bear.  Still, there's a certain pleasure in wiping the earth of your digital self.  Especially for those who believe in reincarnation as they know their dance with the medium will continue for many years to come.  But with such celebrities as Jimmy Kimmel and his National UnFriend Day, profile homicide has become nothing short of commonplace.  Suicide is sure to follow soon.  One way or another, Betsy agrees.

"There's also the idea that if we run out of power the computers won't turn on, so...  It'll be like everyone's profiles drank the kool aid at once."  Something highly unlikely because if there's any kool aid around, you can bet that Betsy's on the case.


*of which, we're not sure.  The list of social networking sites  provided by wikipedia was hilarious.  And instead of completely losing my audience by saying Advogato to, I tried things I had at least heard of.  Well, words I had at least heard before at some point in my xango'd badoo. 

^ 01/11.  NEVER FORGET.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Little Fockers, Big Whoop

I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking that because we're reviewing this movie means that we actually sat through it.  And that's a fair assessment normally, unless you're us and the movie in question is Little Fockers.  Not only did we not see it, but we'll go out on a limb and assume we'll never see it, just as many of you won't, in which case, why are you scrutinizing our research anyway?

Because you demand the best.  Go on, stick up for yourself! 

And we do too, goddamnit!  That's why we were completely disenchanted by Tinseltown when they decided to ramp back up the 'franchise that shouldn't have been a franchise' for another ride on the proverbial carousel.

In case you missed the first two, Ben Stiller is this guy.  He wants to marry this girl, but he has a funny last name and he's a nurse, so he feels self conscious around his soon-to-be-father in law.  And since it was method acting for Stiller aka 'who let this guy in here,' we kind of enjoyed the cringe worthy Meet the Parents, even if it was just There's Something About Mary magnified to a greater* scale.  But when the second installment came out effectively franchising the decent stand alone film and it's characters, our heads immediately went all RCA dog as we wondered just how much further the story could be taken.  And why. 

Turns out, it could be taken all the way to Tampa or wherever the hell the extended Focker family lived.  And Dustin Hoffman and Babs played the couple they were born to play, oozing sexuality on and off screen, the likes of which we've never wanted any part of.  But the "why" was never really answered, beyond assuming everyone enjoyed making money of unsuspecting movie patrons who thought they were getting their 15 dollars worth.  Luckily, after that fateful 3-week run in 2004 where the film managed to break even^, it seemed like the notion of "milking it" had finally subsided and everyone returned to their normal lives.  No one cared about the Fockers anymore as a generation of sheepish and soft spoken boys matured to men and married off by the thousands.  They had overcome their Meet The Parents moment.  They had overcome their terrible in-laws and they were buckled in for the ride whether they liked it or not.  And bumpy as it got from time to time, they were confident they could do it on their own.

Unfortunately, Ben Stiller thought otherwise, and after a meeting with Robert "call me Bobby if you're cool" DeNiro where Stiller confessed that Greenberg "ruined his otherwise sparkling track record," DeNiro agreed to help the aging nepotist and pad his 401K.  They agreed to one final film: Fockers Making Babies.  But after the studio changed the title and removed much of the gun-play that DeNiro insisted upon in his rewrite, many cynics feared the worst come release day.

They were right, of course.  The film looks to be nothing more than Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson reminding America that they used to be relevant, and Deniro, Hoffman and Streisand banking on syndication of the film so they can finally buy that island they had their eyes on.  And since the 13-year old male audience of yesteryear has matured, they're having a hard time convincing us there's even a movie behind all those famous people.  If there is though, the story can only go like this:  Greg Focker wants kids, but since he's a nurse and he has a silly last name, his father in law can't take him seriously.  Darn it!  So he takes the time in this movie to prove what a good father he is by having his bird-brained parents move in down the street to help with his new kids.  In the end, everyone eats pancakes and you ask the theater for a refund.  The only laugh comes when the film says "The End" and doesn't include a question mark.

*greater, not better.  We're talking size here.  And it's a metaphor to boot. 
^obviously the film did gangbusters.  Gangbusters would be a great movie title.  Or a Discovery show with Jamie and Adam.