Tuesday, November 08, 2011
And after all, with so much other crap going on in the world, the debate as to if two people who love each other should be allowed to get married seems moot to say the least. The real concern is if those hobos want to adopt. Then we've got some real problems to address. In the meantime, awareness of the hobosexual cause has landed front and center as the "it" social debate in America today, perhaps a scapegoat for the burgeoning financial state of the world, or perhaps because a debate about freedom and sexual equality is as old as eating wax beans out of a tin can over a oil drum fire.
Monday, October 17, 2011
There was a time when many entertainment insiders considered BBC the "it" network when it came to series orders and programming decisions. Establishing their own convention in a world where "new" is frightening and scary, many of their recent series' are limited to 6-8 episodes per season (assuming there is even a second season in the minds of the creators), further cementing a great disparity between themselves and virtually every American TV network. This worked two-fold for the British outfit: first and foremost, seasons were short enough that audiences could easily catch every episode without feeling out of the loop; and secondly, it created a great word-of-mouth buzz, as non-viewers had a whole year to play catch up if they missed it the first time around (and conversely, BBC had an extra 46 weeks to rerun episodes from that season).
Now, however, it seems that America is finally taking a cue (or is it queue?) from our mother nation. The frontrunner, NBC, has made the BBC's mantra their own in recent years creating several shows that complete their season (and many times series) run in 6 episodes- or less! And though this marketing tactic was never explained to American viewers (who often wonder after just 6 episodes where their favorite new show has gone), NBC forges ahead developing a dozen plus shows every year and then BBC-ing their order without a moment's notice.
Die hard TV fans recognize that many of these short season shows were just too good to bring back making their one "season" their first and last. It's a tough decision to make at the network level, but when faced with a tough decision, most execs would do the same: preserve the show's integrity by ending it early instead of trying to do 8 episodes in a year and watching the story suffer. And though NBC isn't the only network faced with these life or death situations each year, they certainly have had an edge. And until today nobody ever knew exactly why. Now, with NBC permanently shifting to a 3-episodes-per-season/series for virtually all of their shows, the facts are finally starting to trickle out.
bits and pieces of the series online, you can bet the show will never actually be aired, as NBC wouldn't want to risk losing the allure of what could have been, a trend they seem to be sticking to.
So what comes next for this network and television in general? If we're lucky series orders will be shortened to 1 episode, max. Ratings will become irrelevant (sorry, even more irrelevant), your DVR will malfunction as you try to set season passes on what they consider to be M.O.W.'s, and dedicated viewers like you folks out there will just have to keep up or quit trying.
Welcome to the new golden age of TV!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Yes, you shouted that correctly, folks. For the first time ever, the good people at HGTV are offering a dream home that's designed to be so cutting edge you'd wonder if they didn't just find a cave, zone it residential, and call it a house. But that's not what they did; they promise! They really designed and built a cave. And it has all the design features and amenities that HGTV viewers have come to love. A modern bathroom, a pool, spectacular views. It's all there. And now is your chance to win it for free.
Still not convinced? How do buzz word like "granite," "repurposed natural hardwood," "stone," and "green construction" sound? Does it sound good enough to be what you want since everyone else appears to want it too? Do you feel yourself slowly starting to lose your identity? Cause it's happening! Not to fear, though, future contestant! HGTV is here to rescue you.
Enjoy these pictures from the exclusive first tour taken inside the HGTV 2011 Cave House. And make sure you head over to HGTV today and enter for your chance to win it today! (Don't see the contest on the website? Email HGTV and demand they bring back the 2011 Cave House! They'll probably give you some nonsense about how it isn't real, but that's just because they want to keep it for themselves!)
|Living Room (note: not to scale)|
|Built-in Pipe Organ|
|Window off kitchen|
|Original art by Ungah (the caveman)|
|Stairs to 2nd floor|
|Master Suite w/ built in sink(hole)|
|Original mural in bedroom by the host of HGTV's "Color Splash" David Bromstad|
|Spacious back yard|
Though the house isn't for sale, it was appraised at 1.2 kagillion smackeroos! We're not sure what that means, but we've already converted all our assests to smackeroos assuming the new form of currency has more value than the dollar.
Friday, August 12, 2011
I'm not Chinese, nor do I play jokes. So chances are I'll never put urine in your soda. But do they actually do that in China? The whole pee pee in the coke thing? Is it a popular prank amongst youths? And what about all the other falsities and generalizations we've made about our
Domino's Pizza video a few years back.
|Pei Pei: definitely not in your Coke|
Luckily I had an interpreter with me who spoke the language very well, but even that doesn't help when the Chinese misinterpret our language worse than we interpret theirs. For example, one evening we went to a restaurant that offered egg rolls. After several days in China, this was the first egg roll I had seen listed on a menu, so naturally, I wanted to try it. My rationale being that if the U.S. interpretation of egg rolls were so delicious, than the Chinese- the original- must be out of this world, right? Not even close. Much to our surprise, our 11-fingered* waiter brought us what could only be the literal translation of egg roll:
|It tasted as good as it looks.|
All in all though, China proved to be an amazing place. I loved it long-time and I'm eager to go back. The people there were both inquisitive and jovial, (in part because Big Brother is always watching them), and many locals I spoke to wanted to learn more about us (and U.S.). I indulged them as best I could, but the majority of the conversations ended with them saying "you have a big belly" and laughing amongst their friends.
I like to think that makes me one step closer to Buddha than any of them will ever be.
*he had a second thumb on his right hand, but sadly I could not get a photo.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
One of those new ideas was released earlier today amidst growing concern about parental presence on Facebook. Why? Let's be honest here, people: your mom is on facebook. And maybe your dad is too, just to check out the ladies you keep in your
Initially, inactive or "dead" accounts as Facebook calls them, were simply deleted. After all, what's the use of wasting valuable memory on Facebook's massive servers for people that can't even use the site? But with Facebook's announcement today, that will all slowly start to change. "Dead" accounts will now be moved to their new post-mortem sister-site Gravebook, and will forever be preserved at the deceased family's behest*. While some annoying whistle-blowers are appalled by the roll-out, the vast majority of facebook users view the new site as a chance to keep their family legacy alive for generations to come. Don Featherlumper is just one of the many in favor of the shift.
"We all thought it would be kind of boring to just have these profiles up as a memorial. After all, social networking is supposed to be just that: a chance for people to meet, mingle, and share common ideas. But how can they do that when they're dead?" Zuckerberg said in a hand-written press release on a stained Applebees menu. "Our new autonomous activity generator gives your grandparents that opportunity by synthesizing what your grandparents might actually be doing in the afterlife. Living family members will be able to track the deceased's activity on Gravebook just like they do their own on Facebook."
Confusing? Yes, but it's not without it's charm. After all, with all of the information Facebook has stolen from every one of us about what we eat, where we live, where we shop, and what books, movies and music we're in to, the autonomous activity generator can create a very realistic and active after life. Just make sure you set Grandpa's profile to "Roam the Earth" and let Gravebook do the rest. (Note: turn off the "eat brains" setting as well).
*Or until they all die too, whichever comes first.
^Most of these ads are for The Scooter Store or prominently feature Wilford Brimley.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
The federal government, amidst growing budget crises, moronic presidential candidates, and the general opinion that this country has officially hit the shitter turd-first, found another way to ruffle the feathers of it's citizens this week. Citing a "reputable source who gave us free beer," the CIA alongside Homeland Security believe terrorist attacks may start to come in different incarnations than we've ever seen before. The first of which made major headlines in recent weeks as we learned that bombs could be surgically implanted inside of terrorists. But it's the second, and perhaps more substantial of the threats that has capitol hill shaking in their boots.
Imagine you're part of the forty-four percent of Americans that order delivery pizza at least once a month. While that number is already startling in and of itself (and you really should start hitting the gym again, tubby), imagine if that pizza you ordered blew up in your face and got hot cheese all over your entire family^. That's exactly what could happen, if you order the wrong pie.
And it's getting trickier by the day too. Just weeks after a Pizza Hut hiring-spree where the company filled 20,000 jobs in just under a week, Pizza Hut Corp. is now being scrutinized for some of the employees they signed to managerial positions. 20% of them are Pakistani natives, another 15% Yemeni. "What were we supposed to do?" CEO Peter "Pepperoni" Jones candidly responded to the press outside one of his many Dallas, Texas locations. "They all have doctorates and PHd's and they show up on time. Who wouldn't hire them over a pimply 20-year-old whose never been to a dentist?"
Until major sweeping changes are made, expect things to get a whole lot worse before they get better. And we all know what that means: exploding calzones!
^ Which is like so hard to clean.
* The pizza in question? A garlic chicken and cantaloupe pizza delivered to...where else? A Domino's!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Just when we thought the star of last year's "announcement" couldn't alienate himself from the sports world any further, the NBA Finals loser Lebron James has called yet another press conference to discuss what the next step in his career will be. When he took the stage last Wednesday in the American Airlines Arena stew room, many fans wondered if the rumors they heard could possibly be true. Would Lebron leave Miami for another city? Maybe New York this go round? Or would he trade in his cocky attitude and apologize for belittling the team that wiped their butts with his face the week before during the NBA finals, finally showing some of that humility the press kept begging for? In true Lebron fashion, he kept his mouth shut until the cameras were rolling (the man is a master at building suspense after all, just ask his long time pal M. Night Shymalan), then he dropped the bomb.
Though her passion could not be misconstrued, several critics are already asking the obvious: Won't this give the Warblers -- once they exist -- an unfair advantage over the rest of the teams in the league given that he isn't a woman? Yahoo sports writer Inez Gazpacho doesn't think so. "Considering that Lebron will almost never pass the ball, and given his propensity to choke late in games, I think they should be fine. Besides, what's the worst that could happen?"
And if not?
"If not I guess I'll go back to being a man again and just play the game I loved so much, you know, before I thought I was too good for it."
Wouldn't that be a maverick move.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Can America get anything right these days? Foreign born presidents, white house party crashers, Jada Pinkett Smith being invited to the Easter Egg Roll? We're two clicks away from being a third world country and the whole world is starting to take notice. And as if things couldn't get any worse for the flailing democracy, early this morning wikileaks released Obama's death certificate fifty years early, finally cementing the fact that our current president will someday die. Shocking to say the least.
Still, it's a dilly of a pickle of a situation, one that could hurt Obama during his campaign for reelection over the next year. Will people be able to look past our undead leader and his questionable life expectancy? Or will they get bogged down in details that may be completely fake? It's hard to say. Until then we advise anyone with half a brain to look out for zombies. Cause that's what they like to eat.
Friday, April 22, 2011
But why? Is it curable? Should you dump your girlfriend today and try to find one that loves rock and roll as much as you do? Good luck, pal! Statistics recently released from the Duke Lacrosse Science Lab indicate that only 1 in 14 American women actually like rock and roll, putting your chances at bagging one somewhere around 7%. Worse still, within that 7%, only 1 of 50 women like rock and or roll that improvises or includes soloing in any way. And if history is any indication, it's only going to get worse.
Remember back in 1994 when that group of moms said they needed to slap a label on any album they deemed "potentially inappropriate?" The Parental Advisory, they called themselves, and their numbers are stronger than ever today, branching out to several other organizations across America that never needed their help to begin with. Case and point: kids can't even be bullied anymore without some obnoxious mom stepping in to declare it a national epidemic*. But let's think about those moms from 1994 for a moment. Who were they in 1984? In 1974? Were they on the path to being Suzy Homemaker or were they in their boyfriend's T-top Camaro listening to Fog Hat's "Slow Ride," and hating life? The evolution seems crystal clear to me.
Today those mothers may be grandmothers, but they are educating an entire new generation of girls to live the same way. "Why listen to Queen, my precious granddaughter, when you can listen to Queen done by the cast of Glee? It's so much better this way^. Also, Freddy Mercury was a sinner." The trend shows no signs of slowing. And with rock's best years well behind us now, many insiders are wondering what to do before it's completely forgotten.
"It's more than alarming," Frank "Solid Gold" Temurmac said from his office at Capitol Records in Hollywood last week. "If there's anything I can encourage kids to do today it's to listen to as much rock and roll as you can. And be mindful of what you buy, too. There are a lot of wusses masquerading as rockers out there. David Cook, Maroon 5, Kanye West. Don't let these phonies in. Stick to your Hendrix, your Meatloaf, your Nirvana. Rock as hard as you can for as long as you can because someday the sun is going to explode. If that rationale means you're single for the rest of your life, than so be it! I've been married 8 times and look where it got me?"
*In my day, we had fights at the bus stop. Epic fights at the bus stop.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Hello loyal minions! Apologies for the lack of content as of recent. Great Scott! is in the process of moving from here:
Well, not exactly. But that's how it feels!
We'll be back next week with new content, including our first recurring installment: reader questions!
Until then, please pardon the dust as we transfer to our new home!
Well, not exactly. But that's how it feels!
We'll be back next week with new content, including our first recurring installment: reader questions!
Until then, please pardon the dust as we transfer to our new home!
Monday, April 04, 2011
Image is everything in our society, especially for women. And nothing speaks more to one's image than weight. As a response to this, thousands of miracle diets, pills, and work out regimens are out there to help. The problem is that most of them are quick fixes designed to help women (generally speaking) improve their image and in turn their self confidence. At the same time, our society is also trying to break down these antiquated social constructs of yesteryear in an attempt to put an end to this madness, but many wonder if the problem can even be solved, given how ingrained the notion of weight and "being skinny" are to women today, even from a very young age. No, we're not talking about Toddlers and Tiaras. Today, the focus is on the Girl Scouts of America and their manipulative nomenclature when it comes to their one and only product line:
If you're able to get past the salesmanship, as it seems everyone has^, a new issue becomes immediately apparent. Should little girls be selling products that emphasize thinness? Isn't this just creating a complex in their little minds that will stay with them for the rest of their lives? Many people, like Duke University's Cary Clarke, think so.
Indeed it does. Weight, or weight loss, rather, has reached levels of dementia in this country. Beyond the bevvy of eating disorders and out there, there's also the world of modeling, which, until very recently, was composed of women who looked like they just escaped from a "Kiss the Girls" style dungeon. Luckily the 'visible sternum' model seems to be a thing of the past, but it doesn't end there. The term 'plus size model' often elicits the image of a girl who looks over weight to the naked eye when really the majority of them are of average weight and height, if not healthier than. So how can we expect to curb this problem when we're so set in our ways?
Maybe. Until then, we here at Great Scott! would like to offer a name change for the iconic cookie in the hopes it will initiate the change we're all seeking in the world. Here's a few options:
-Regular Sized Mints
-Big Fat Mints
-Think Mints (promotes the mind!)
-Then Mints...not for now, for then.
-Image Isn't Everything Mints
-Fat Lady Mints
-Black Girl on a Zip Line Cookies
*And those moms are better muscle than Chris and Snoop ever were.
^or maybe we're just complacent, like we are with so much else in the world.
Friday, March 18, 2011
|The always elusive black rectangle|
It's not, dude. But we get what you mean. And it's a sad commentary on the manufacturing industry as well, especially when one considers how much of this fragile planet's natural resources we waste when we create, package, and ship cheap products that are designed to last less than 2 years. But that's not the point today. The point is that our little world keeps changing, and sometimes the most direct way we can see that change is through technology (or lack thereof). After Sony officially said goodbye to the Walkman earlier this year*, it only paved the way for VCRs to be the next to go. It was just a matter of when.
That "when" was today. And though it's only natural to see the numbers of skilled VCR craftsmen dwindle as time passes, what will they move onto? Many early-adapters have found work in the past 20 years converting old VCRs into bastardized copies of Johnny 5 from the popular film franchise Short Circuit. But as the robot craze enters hysterics, and technology gets smaller and smarter, Johnny 5 too has been left in the digital dust.
|Just think of the possibilities!|
"We're all kind of wondering where to go from here. Nobody wants a Johnny 5. Most kids don't even know who or what he is. So what do I do?" Dan "VCR Guy" Browning said as he waited for his unemployment check. "Do I become a DVR repair man? A Blue Ray dar detector or whatever those egg heads do? Or do I become so consumed with sadness that I slowly destroy my body with pills and alcohol like every honest American should when they face failure?" All good questions, none of which have an easy answer.
Time will determine the fate of these former technological frontiersmen. For now though, they can only move forward one step at a time. Mainly because the lines at unemployment take forever, but also partially because most VCR repairmen have really weak legs on account of the fact that they started sitting on their asses almost two decades before the rest of the country did. Shin splints or no shin splints, they truly are part of the Greatest Generation.
For Great Scott!, I'm Great Scott!, reporting live from Bahrain.
*wait, they didn't? Then what was all that hub-bub about? Oh, they're not discontinued, they just won't produce them anymore^, gotcha.
^In Japan. But don't worry, China will still make them. They make everything!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Percy Hill of O'fallon, IL wonders the same thing. "I'm sitting here bathing my game leg when all the sudden the roof of my house gets ripped off!" Several residents of the greater O'fallon County area reported similar incidents. One man's phone line was ripped clear from his house. Another woman's clothes line (and all her delicates) were picked up and flown about like the tail of a kite. And as she stepped outside to see her panties were strewn about the town like over-sized snowflakes, she finally saw the culprit: a flying house.
|Larry Walters, the OG Balloon Boy|
*And unless they got canceled (which they didn't) there is absolutely no need for this show. Period.
^ I didn't think it was possible either.