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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Winter Olympics: Another Excuse for Men to Avoid Their Wives



Vancouver, February, 2010. The Winter Olympics are in full swing and apparently everyone is watching. NBC has been reporting better ratings than a Simon Cowell sandwich. "Almost a third of the Superbowl numbers," one exec proudly quipped, off the record, of course. "That ain't bad, man. We'll be 4th again before you know it" Especially when one considers the Superbowl drew over 100 million viewers, making the Winter Olympics seem that much more relevant, even though they aren't. Still, when asking many people on the street, "Just what is a Winter Olympics anyway?" Many have no idea. In fact, while millions of Americans can report that they are tuning-in to the daily broadcasts, it seems that no one is actually watching the games.

"I leave it on for Snickers when I go to work," said Beatrice Kemple of Missoula, Montana. "Snickers is my cat. I called her that cause one time some nougat came out of her. Didn't taste too good though. Anyway, I'm not much for sports myself, but if it keeps my cat from ruining my wigs while I'm out, then I'm on board." We then asked her to identify the sport that was currently being played, which she could not do. "I think it's some kind of skiing contest to see who can shoot a gun. Or something."



Still puzzled by Beatrice and her cat, we met with Pittsburgh resident Alan Dufrane, a long-time Steelers fan and recent Superbowl-party-host. "I've been having the guys over every night to the man cave. See, a man cave is a place where we men can go to avoid our wives, ignore our children, turn our back on our familial obligations, that kinda shit. Can I say shit? Anyway, it's nice. And I think we all need it from time to time." But every night? This reporter just couldn't believe it. "Our thinking was that we'd just go with it 'til it got boring. But then we noticed that there's all these sports we don't even understand. Like, what is that person brushing the ice for? So that giant hockey puck can slide better? Just use the zambonie, ya frickin idiot. Canada, huh? I tell yuns." Our discussion went on like this for some time. "I guess the one thing to take away from this is that as more men are becoming unemployed, we're realizing that we really don't like our families at all." A few of the men harumphed in agreement. "So if we can take even 4 hours a night for ourselves, we will."



Surprisingly, it's not just men that have taken to these winter games to avoid their real lives. Many butch lesbians have hopped on board as well. Betsy Biggs, of Omaha, Nebraska, was quick to comment. "If anything, we were here first." A typical response from a lesbian, but we had to hear more. "I mean, it's not like we want to go home and listen to our wives bitch and moan about their day. Straight men stole this idea from us. And think about these games for that matter. No one really cares about them except us. When we viewed sweeping a room as a sexist activity, we made curling a sport to level the playing field. When figure skating got too main stream, we added in that hermaphrodite. So we're doing our part. We always have been. It's just now that people are hopping on the bandwagon."

Hopefully there aren't too many people hopping on however, cause if they're anything like Betsy, that wagon will break pretty soon. You know, due to overweightness.

For Great Scott, I'm Great Scott, reporting live from Vancouver, BC, Canada.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Video of the Day

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My boy Desmond in D-town turned me on to this. Pretty dope video. Hope it helps you kick off your weekend in style.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Epic Screenplays



Our friend Epic Screenplays has done it again. Head over to his site for today's hilarious 15 minute script. Then bask in his greatness as you are reminded how much you suck.

And for our regular readers, apologies that posting has been a little light this week. I'm working on a script, and when that is going on, this shit is back-burner central. I'll try and write something for the weekend, I promise.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Festival 8 montage

Phi8h: Halloween Phish in the Desert



In the wake of Classic TAB's KILLER opening night last night, we thought we'd repost this video (courtesy of our friends at YEM Blog)

Here's to hoping the rest of the tour is as solid as last night was. Also- can you come to California, Trey? Thanks!

Monday, February 08, 2010

Toyota Recalls Prius After Name Misspelled



In a settlement that was just announced this morning, Toyota will be recalling all of their Prius hybrid-vehicles because the name of the car was misspelled on the assembly line. Since that initial misspelling in '07, over 3 million units have been created and sold. This marks a major breach of contract with Primus, the rock-group that agreed to lend Toyota their name for the car because of it's "green initiatives and eco friendly values," said the band. This comes as a major blow to Toyota, whose stock dropped 5 full points last week in the wake of their brake-pedal recall. Experts agree this newly-unearthed misspelling could be the straw that breaks the camel's back for the company, especially when coupled with the endorsement contract they breached in doing so.



"This win was a long time coming," said Les Claypool, the band's eclectic front-man and bass player, as he stepped out of the courtroom. "We had signed on with Toyota to create the Primus in order to give ourselves more exposure. But how can we do that when the company misspells our name? Doesn't Toyota have a proofreader? We lost 3 years here and they aren't even offering a name-recall. Damn brake pedals stole our thunder! And sure, we're glad about the affect the car has had on the world thus far, but imagine how much more impact it would have had, had they gotten the name right to begin with!"



This isn't the first time Primus has expressed an interest in environmentally safe products and initiatives either. In 1991, they released Sailing The Seas Of Cheese, a record they thought would surely jump-start their plan to create oceans of cheese so that no person would ever go hungry again. The idea was a colossal flop, especially when one considers all of the lactose-intolerant people in the world. "There was a day," Claypool added, "when we were doing the whole cheese thing back then...I saw a kid eat a whole wheel of munster and then die right there on the spot after one of the worst farts in world history. The kid died! It was then we realized that ideas like the 'cheese sea,' were creating even more negative emissions from the people who were participating. And sure, farts are bad, but imagine billions of farts and how that would affect the world. It'd be like India- but everywhere."



It was then that Toyota reached out to the band in an attempt to forge a partnership. "I had never heard of Primus, but I thought their way of thinking was astounding," said Yoshi Nakamura of Toyota, Corp. "When Les and I sat down we had a very deep discussion. I asked him to think of a fart. Just one fart. Not even the worst one ever, either. Just a regular fart from a regular guy. Then I asked him to magnify that fart times 3 billion. I explained to him that a car releases more noxious fumes in just 30 seconds than the air than 3 billion people farting simultaneously- and that we all contributed to the emission problem, which at the time was ruled by US officials to be 'poppycock.' Les wasn't swayed in the least. Years later, however, when the global warming thing became an accepted reality, Les finally got on board and we sat down again to begin creating the car that would change the world."

"Two thirds of the car was my idea," Claypool added. "But Yosh' didn't like the wheels being made of cheese, so we had to let that one go. The name was all mine though. And in 2004 we inked a deal with the company to start rolling out cars with our name on back." Indeed this was true. It also explains why many were puzzled as to why the Toyota's Prius: Les Claypool Edition was released. Given the news about the misspelled name today however, it all starts to make sense.

"Of course no one would want to drive a Prius with the GPS voiced by Buckethead. If it were a Primus however, I'm sure we would have sold at least one of 'em."

Buckethead agreed by saying, "turn left in 200 feet....arriving at destination."

So will this misspell the end for the once powerful Toyota Corp.? Yoshi thinks no.
"I think no," added Yoshi. "But only time will tell. And until then, my name is mud for this colossal blunder. They've got me super-gluing the letter 'm' on to every Prius on the road. But hey, at least I have a job!"

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Space Dog Sees Shadow, World Is Safe For Another Year



While many folks are familiar with Groundhog Day and Punxsutawney Phil, much less media attention is given to Space Dog and his annual prediction about the fate of the world we live in. For those of you that are unaware: NASA sent a dog into space and has it step out of it's dog house one day a year- February 4- this very day- to determine whether or not mankind has another year to live on Earth. If he sees his shadow, humanity is safe, if he doesn't, we're doomed. Simple, right? And certainly much more plausible than many Hollywood movies.



The problem is that it's not always as simple as shadow or no shadow. Much like flipping a coin, there's always a .0001% chance the coin will land on it's side as opposed to 'heads' or 'tails.' And while 'tails' would have been a fitting name for NASA's space dog, the Russian Cosmonaut, Igor Korialev, wanted something a little more ferocious given the nature of Space Dog's work. "He determine fate of world. He need strong name like 'bull' or 'ox.'" NASA, instead of explaining to the Russian that 'bull' and 'ox' are actually names for other animals, reached a compromise and decided to name him 'Lil' Bruiser.' With both parties happy, 'Lil Bruiser' or 'Brusie' went into space in October 2004. He has been there ever since, keeping his watchful eye on the world*.



Today, however, proved a new challenge for everyone on team NASA-DOGFORCE. For the first time ever, Brusie stepped out of his dog house expecting one of two typical results. But the universe had a different plan. At 6:43 AM this morning, a solar flare burst out of the sun- one of the largest in recorded history according to Hubble Space Laboratories. With it came a burst of heat, energy, and light that successfully skewed the results of Brusie the Space Dog's time-tested tradition. The dog both saw his shadow and didn't, according to a mole we have on board of the Space Station. So instead of heading to his Astro-inspired outdoor-space-treadmill as is his usual day to day, he slunk back into his dog house and went to sleep, a clear indication of muddled results. He has yet to stir since. This left authorities scrambling for an explanation, one that they came do just minutes ago. "There's a chance the dog is dead. But for now it's safe to say that we are both safe and on the brink of collapse," says NASA scientist Al Gorhythm. "From here on out, we'll just have to decide for ourselves like they did in olden times. The Space Dog program is officially put on hold until further notice." While this put many at ease, the question still remains: are we on the brink of total destruction an annihilation? Or is this just another hiccup in NASA's already bloated budget?

Many experts agree that putting the Space Dog program on hold would benefit the world more than it does in it's current state. PETA members couldn't agree more. "We're pissed that a dog is in space," said Sally Crazybitch. "No one ever asked him if he wanted to go to space, they just sent him there. Did they ever stop and think that maybe- just maybe- people deserve to go to space before animals?"

NASA official Bert Beeswax chimed in. "We did consider that, but if we would have asked him what he wanted, that wouldn't have really been alpha dog behavior on our part. He needs to know who's boss. ... Alpha Dog! Why didn't we think of that one earlier? HEY, TIM! WE SHOULD HAVE NAMED HIM ALPHA DOG!"

With that in mind, and until the world may or may not end, I'm Great Scott, reporting.

*He has 2 eyes, but only one of them work, hence the singularity.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

One Too Many Mornings Returns to LA



Fresh off the heels of their Sundance Premiere, One Too Many Mornings is back in LA for a special screening February 16th.

Make sure to get your tickets while they last.

And on a personal note, a big congrats to the cast and crew of the film and their tremendous success thus far! Kudos!

Monday, February 01, 2010

Coming To Terms With Your New-Years Resolutions



Now that February 1st has rolled around, many Americans can assess the work they have put in towards their new-years resolutions. The top goal of many singles is to get healthy and fit in the hopes that they may find a mate. This can often mean eating better, sleeping more, and exercising, so naturally many people choose to join a gym in the hopes that it will inspire them to make a change. But as the pounds of flab melt away, a shocking occurrence is overwhelming these masses: now that I'm skinny, I still can't get a date! And after weeks of polling, the answer couldn't be more clear. It's because you're ugly.



Shelia Jackson, of Marietta, Georgia couldn't agree more. "I've been so good. No sweets for a whole month. So far I've lost over 12 pounds, and it feels amazing. That is, it did, until I realized that it wasn't my weight keeping me from meeting a man, it was how ugly I was. Now I'm not even sure why I exercise. I'm much happier when I'm eating, and since I'm destined to be alone anyway, why not embrace that?"

Unfortunately, Shelia is not alone. The U.S. Census reports that numbers of uglies are on the rise. According to their most recent publication, over "3 percent of Americans realized they were ugly in the first month of 2010. This puts the national average somewhere near 88%."



Most people claim these numbers do not irk them, that they'll be sticking to their original new years resolutions regardless of how ugly it reminds them that they are. Joe Balfazar of Aurora, Illinois is one of those people. "Look at what that Carrot Top guy did. He was never over weight, just ugly. So he took the model that the world gave him and he said NO. I WILL NOT SOLELY BE KNOWN FOR HOW UGLY I AM. But what did it do for him in the end? He went and got all jacked and now look at him- he's a total freak show. And he's still single!"

While we here are inclined to agree, Carrot Top's agent said it best: "freak show would be a step up from the gigs he's booking now. He'll also do parties. For men or women. We also rent horses. ... Hello? Hello?"

One thing is certain in this new year, however. No matter what your goals may be, take time to come to terms with what you look like before you join a gym. You might save yourself a lot of time and money. And that can only mean one thing: plastic surgery! Yay!