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Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Man Overdoses On Yeast, Leavening Agents; Posthumously Feeds Hundreds


Hero isn't a word we throw around that often here at Great Scott!  After all, if there are any heroes left in this world, they sure aren't making their presence known from what we can tell.  That is, until today, when we learned about a Kenyan man from...well, Kenya...whose story was so inspiring, it had to be shared with the world.  I'm talking of course, about Mbat *clck* Ondandeo, the man who made international headlines in Africa earlier today when it was discovered that he fed his entire village a warm filling meal without so much as setting foot inside a kitchen^.

How you ask?  Simple science really.  Ondandeo had traveled to France in his youth to study culinary arts and existentialism at Academì Francè before his family's diamond mine was absorbed by DeBoers.  Since that fateful day in 1985 when he was withdrawn from school and returned to the Serengeti, he had sought a way to bring the lessons he learned as a boy back to his people so that they too could live a better life.  After several failed attempts, three wives, and a litter of children that would make a Hyena blush, Ondandeo finally had a break through: he had determined the simple recipe for leavened bread, something that had never been shared with many African and Middle-Eastern communities.

So Mbat did what any poor man without an oven would do.  He ate the yeast and the wheat, waited 2 hours, then ate several leavening agents, with the intention of creating a loaf of bread in his own stomach.  Unfortunately, his plan worked a bit too well.  As the minutes passed, he swelled in size until eventually he exploded, littering croutons all over the town.  Villagers ran through the streets with baskets collecting what they could.  Though Mbat had died, he had provided for everyone he loved in ways he never could have thought possible.

"For one thing, I was fucking sick of eating unleavened bread, man," Ondandeo's brother Kalimah said, in perfect Queen's english, to cheering family members and friends at his brother's wake.  "We see news and entertainment from the rest of the world...everyone is enjoying thick, full bread, but not us.  Finally, we can say that era has come to an end.  And without my brother Mbat, it never would have been possible."

Plans to build a statue in his honor have already begun, leaving many financial analysts asking why they don't just use that money to feed the village for several days instead.  Mbat Ondandeo also leaves behind a legacy for future generations to enjoy: 2 bread bowls (twins), 8 baguettes, three kaiser rolls, and 2 loaves of olive bread, and the notion that suicide isn't always wrong, it can be damn tasty too.

^ cause they don't have kitchens, duh!

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