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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Scientists Descend Into Volcano, Come Back Dead

As if out of some science fiction movie that is supposed to be taken seriously but is actually a comedy cause the story and the performances are so absurd terrible, scientists closest to the center of the earth this week got even closer, making a descent into an active volcano to collect data for the first time in 30 years.  What data you ask?  In this case, the scientists were determining how close a human being could get to liquid magma before they spontaneously burst into flames. 

But instead of simply dangling a dead body down there until it cooked through, which is what any sane person with an overabundance of corpses would have done, they wanted real life results- from real life people.  So N.O.R.M.L., the National Organization of Reactive Magma: Lesbian Branch, spent 6 months assembling and training a team of what the U.S. Government called, "complete idiots," to make the descent themselves.  They also set a challenge to the civilians in the United States, much like the recently privatized space race, asking for any and all new technology that may aide in the fight against liquid, or "soft" rock. 

Their goal was to inspire the American people to create, interpret, and perhaps challenge every conventional idea they had about volcanoes from the past.  "We saw this as a renaissance opportunity.  A chance for us to get people back into geo-science and perhaps excited about the earth's core again," one loner lesbian scientist said, near her windowless van.  But it didn't work that way.  Instead, what they got was a collection of half baked ideas from America's unemployed elite: the Magma socks from the English major turned inventor, the volcano life raft from the lawyer turned garage shut-in, the anything from a woman.  With each new idea being more terrible than the last, financiers of the project wondered if it would even get off the ground.  Still, they forged ahead.

Last Tuesday, N.O.R.M.L., in collaboration with the USGS, officially moved forward with their plans.  The 8-week research project commenced on schedule, and as the team descended into the magma, their deafening screams only made it more clear that they were really on to something important.

"The operation was a complete and total success," a USGS representative commented at the team's funeral last week.  "Sure everyone died, but that's the problem with America: we always focus on the negative.  You can't make an omelet without cracking a few eggs."

"Unless you're in a volcano," he added.  "Then the eggs pretty much explode cause it's so damn hot." 

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