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Monday, September 27, 2010

Scientists Prove God Doesn't Exist, Utah Explodes

"Shut-upa you face!"
 In a bit of "I told you so" news today, scientists in America have finally proven that God does not exist.  The information came just after the Vatican tested their "Laser of Hope and Fear" this morning.  The device, dubbed experimental at best by many skeptics, worked well beyond the grasp of any human beings understanding.  That is, initially.  Though their intended use was for the forthcoming apocalypse, everyone realized what had been created: an answer to the oldest question in western religion.

The idea was born several years ago at a heated debate inside the Pope's private chambers.  The discussion hinged on one simple idea: if God truly does exist, than he couldn't possibly give us the power to completely destory his (or it's...but definitely not her) legacy and millions of devout followers.  In other words: we can't truly end civilization because then who would spread God's good word thereafter?  It seemed like a sound theory, especially to those on the side of religion, though it had never been tested.  Their faith, however, only helped reinforce the stance from the past 2,000 years.  God couldn't possibly let this happen.  And the church was here to prove it.

Still, many realists argued in favor of rational thought.  Citing technology that could vaporize entire cities at the push of a button, it made the evidence against God, and religion in general for that matter, crystal clear: civilization can and will end, it's just a matter of time until it does.

Never wanting to be outdone, the Vatican took it a step further developing their super laser and proposing a test demonstration to clear the air.  They even picked a fool proof target: Utah, the state that's home to more religious cooks and cult-based nuts per square mile than anywhere else in the world (well, except the entire middle east of course).  Their rationale being, of course, that since Utah is like the United States version of the Vatican, they should be safe and sound- even with giant laser pointed at them.

As the test date drew nearer, and many of the assumed scientific flaws in the device proved fully functional and deadly.  Those on the side of science and reason voiced their concerns about being "too right."  Telly Scopal, of the Denver Association for Celestial Bodies, agreed.  "Do you ever make a bet with someone you know you'll win, only to call it off at the last minute because it was tipped to your favor from the outset?  Well, we've got a similar thing going here.  And if the Vatican keeps pushing the envelope, the whole world will feel the effects.  Now is not the right time to go shaking the foundations of western civilazation."

But as the church always seems to do, they pressed on, ignoring any and all reasoning and persuasion that could have helped prevent a very public blunder.  They readied their test site, amassing a crowd of almost 250,000 people to see 'the event' live.  They even paid NBC to create a series with the same name, though few knew they could create one with more holes in it than religion itself.  All signs indicated that Johnny Religion was poised to make a point-- but would it be the point he wanted to make?

The answer, very clearly and simply, was no.  The laser was readied and fired.  It's beam went across the entire universe until it hit the edge and circled back around the other side, just as the theories had predicted.  Gaining momentum, the laser flew directly into the state of Utah killing tens if not hundreds of people.  The state, or what's left of it, has been reclaimed by the bordering states in the U.S.'s attempt to do damage control.
This image will be featured in all new textbooks

 While losing Utah was unfortunate (for some), the real fear now is from the middle east.  With the knowledge that their holy wars have been for nothing these past 3,000 years, one can't help but wonder if they'll take off their dirty robes and give peace a chance finally.  I doubt it though.  If I was promised 40 virgins and then I found out that was just a bunch of BS, I'd probably go on a rampage.  Like the video game Rampage. 

I'd be the reptile.

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