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Monday, August 30, 2010

Wind Turbines Working Too Well As California Blows US East

In whaty can only be called and ironic twist of fate, nature may have some different plans for the "alternative energy resources" we prize so dearly.  Earlier today, data began circulating that may confirm what many scientists had been fearing for years: the wind turbines in California are working too well and there seems to be no way to stop them.  With growing fears of what might happen, officials are scrambling to contain the situation as best as possible. 

The theory is old as the turbines themselves, dating back some thirty years.  Until today however, it had been dismissed as nonsense.  After all, who among us would have thought that alternative or 'green' energy resources could come back to haunt us?  Ron Binderson of the Yosemite Air, Wind and Nature group did.  "I can almost hear the discussion now," the blowhard comments as he breathes through his mouth.  "In 1976 they asked us what would happen if the couldn't turn the turbines off-- like it would have been some sort of problem for society!  'We'd solve the world energy problem, that's what'd happen, you moron.'  I don't think anybody realized that it could become a reality though.  If these preliminary reports are even approximate, we're in for one heck of a ride."

Citizens in some northern California communities have been worried for years.  Reports of windsocks being at full tilt, kazoos and harmonicas playing without human assistance, and birthday wishes being ruined are just the tip of the iceberg from a scientific standpoint.  "Each of those incidents are isolated," Gene Bajonga, another Y.A.W.N. member, adds.  "But if a gust of wind comes off the Pacific at the right time, it might cause a few of those turbines to work together.  Then we're in for it."

His theory, in case you're wondering, is that the 20 or 30 thousand turbines in California would blow the US across the Atlantic towards Europe and Africa.  The 'Pangea Theory' as it's been dubbed, seems to be the universal assumption from most 'green-oriented' businesses and public non-profits leaving many to believe they have simply smoked themselves stupid.  Still, they trudge on, converting as many followers as they can each day.  And their campaign seems to be picking up steam. 

 Most realists, like Simon Dandyfeather, doubt the turbines could do any real damage though.  "These people are idiots.  Did they forget that the earth is solid to the core like my killer abs?  Look...the worst thing that can happen is one of the turbines comes loose, the blades fall to the interstate, it kills a lot of people, and so the government shuts them down.  And until that happens again, everyone needs to relax, have a protein shake, and enjoy the breeze."

Until we get hard evidence however, there is no real right or wrong here, a concept that many Americans struggle with each day.  "It's a gray area, for sure..." Binderson offers on his way out.  "...much like the fog in San Francisco, which, without those turbines to remove it each day, would be permanent.  So you should consider that, too." 

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