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Thursday, July 29, 2010

Signs Your World Is Coming To An End

Nostradamus may not have predicted the ice age (hey, he wasn't born yet, give him a break!) but he was right about a lot of other things.  Whale cancer, lady stirrup-pants, and Jim Belushi's "talent;" each prediction was more mind blowing than the next.  The scary part: they've all come true.  According to Jim is even in syndication.  Nostradamus predicted the future with such pin point accuracy, it's hard to believe we didn't have a plan laid out for when the shit he predicted started to hit the fan.  But hey, we're America.  We wait for a car crash before we put up a stoplight, god bless us.  And I hope it stays that way*.

Example: the recent decision to create a second food-related-television network, which was both completely necessary and solved the mystery of the pyramids all in one fell swoop.  Okay, so it didn't do that last part.  But honestly, does the world really need another food channel?  I mean, I get the rationale here: "MTV quit playing music videos, so what did they do?  They invent MTV2 call it a 'throwback' and make everyone happy.  It expands the brand while at the same time reconnects us with our roots."  But there's a fundamental flaw to this logic: the food network never strayed from their original vision.  They continue to play food related programming all day long.  If any departure has been made at the network, it's that they've strayed away from the daytime "Crazy Blonde Sandra cooks with patterns!" and moved into the "if this cupcake tastes like Jesus, you'll win the cupcake war!"  But I almost prefer that latter format.  America does too, I think.  In fact, Food Network is boasting the highest ratings they ever have, and it's all because of people like Duff Goldman and Guy Fieri and not Emeril and Paula Dean.  If anything, those dinosaurs need to be sent to the glue factory. 

Oh wait, they were.  And those that are left are being weaved into Food Network's prime time line up like a lattice.  Giada and Bobby Flay both seem perfectly at home as the fake Tom Colicchio and Padma Lakshmi on The Next Food Network Star, and I'm sure plans are in the works to move the Neely's from "down home" to "lower east" to keep up with Food Network's evolving image as current as possible.

All food, No Kurt Loder.

But perhaps the funniest turn in this "story" is that the Cooking Channel advertises as if they're reinventing the medium.  "For those of you who are sick of the other food channel, just buy digital cable, purchase our channel (channel 1054) and sit back and let the good times roll."  Brilliant, isn't it?  A network so tucked away between pay-per-view boxing matches and softcore ponos that it's almost as if they don't need your viewership.  They're better than you, and they want you to know that.  And you know what, it was a long time coming.  I had been waiting to feel worse about myself until something so up it's own ass came along that it told me what was wrong with the channels I regularly watch.  Now that I know, I can change my ways and finally live a better and fulfilled life.  Just me, my satellite, and some irrelevant start-up network that beats me up before school.

It's hard to say if the network will be a success.  Nostradamus left little to no word about this one, which has me worried.  My guess is the world will explode before we get a chance to really see them figure out just what they hell they think they are doing.  The surest sign your world is coming to an end, though?  A bank gave these assholes a loan to start this network, and you can't even get approved for a loan to buy a house.

Tough cookies, huh? 

* I don't.  I desperately hope things change.

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