By now, we've all heard about the millions of gallons of crude oil spilling into the ocean each day. But there's a different story coming out of the gulf region that many Americans may not be aware of. A social phenomenon of sorts, the area has seen an enormous upswing in new residents since the oil hit the water some 6 weeks ago. And no, we're not talking about displaced animals, bankrupt fishermen, or Cuban immigrants, but rather the literal crude oil itself, which is proving to be more of a headache to get rid of than anyone ever imagined. "Getting it out of the water was the easy part. Getting it to leave is the tricky thing," commented BP executive Donald Plainsight. "We can filter it and barrel it, but that doesn't make it any less of what it is already: crude, rude, and with nowhere to go."
As the days continue to pass, more and more oil spills into the gulf threatening our way of life as we know it. Rescue efforts seem pitiful at best. And while some residents think we should try and reach out to the oil in an effort to make amends, even the most diplomatic of politicians has a hard time keeping his cool. U.S.-Government-hired Art Blanderson*, trained hostage negotiator and diplomat, described his attempt at making peace:
I arrive for my meeting with Dr. Crude, the leader of the local Crude tribe, and immediately he sticks his hand down his pants and scratches himself. Then he reaches his arm out to shake. What am I supposed to do with that!? He said he bet my grandmother really loved the D. I should have kicked his fucking face in!Indeed it is a long road ahead before we'll see any change in the crude region. And while some small efforts have been made, and some nice barrels of oil found, it's clear that someone or something needs to intervene before the problem spreads out of the gulf and into the rest of the world.
*Blanderson was fired just 5 minutes after this article was published.