Tuesday, July 13, 2010
4th of July Passes, English Army Doesn't Attack (Again)
Another 4th of July has come and gone. Like many Americans, we here at Great Scott view the anniversary of our nation's independence as one of the most important days of the year. That's why we drink beer til we can't stand, grill dead animals, and chant "USA" on and endless loop into the night sky at seemingly no one. Unfortunately, we're not the only ones that remember this day so passionately, as we look to our former step mother England for commentary each year. And yet, each year they remain tight lipped, seemingly gritting their teeth at the very concept of the United States being a free and sovereign nation, though never muttering a word. The reality is that England has been quiet since 1776, or perhaps 1812 more accurately, leading us to believe the war for independence had finally ended. That is, until this year...
"The idea was brilliantly planned," said senior Great Scott military correspondent, Col. Bruce Hampton. "Not only were they going to land on the shore right as the fireworks ended, but they were to be wearing period uniforms so it would seem like a demonstration being put on by the city. The idea was to get people into it- then to obliterate them before they realized what was actually happening. It's such a brilliant plan in fact, that it's a shame we didn't get to see it happen.*"
All theories aside however, there was still a feeling of uncertainty in the air at the White House press room this morning. Obama was supposed to comment on the discovery, but he was pulled just minutes before his address leading many to believe that this problem could be bigger than we even know. Luckily, we have many factors playing to our advantage should England ever be an aggressor again, the greatest of which being our nuclear arsenal. And while many agree that we should try and avoid nuclear means at all costs, many are actually behind the idea. Jean Pikipsky from Tallahassee, Florida agrees. "British food is gross. Nuke 'em."
We'll be sure to bring you updates as the news trickles down, but for now, the only thing certain is uncertainty. Authorities are issuing the following warning: If you or someone you know sees a British person behaving mysteriously, chances are they are a zombie. Kill them. Then after you steal their money from their wallet, make some off-hand comment like "that's the first time you've ever lost 5 pounds in one sitting." Then laugh to yourself. See, cause in England, they call money "pounds." And that's just silly.
*Col. Bruce Hampton is now being reviewed by the House of UnAmerican Activities, headed up by the grandson of McCarthy. Small world, huh?