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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

4th of July Passes, English Army Doesn't Attack (Again)

 Another 4th of July has come and gone.  Like many Americans, we here at Great Scott view the anniversary of our nation's independence as one of the most important days of the year.  That's why we drink beer til we can't stand, grill dead animals, and chant "USA" on and endless loop into the night sky at seemingly no one. Unfortunately, we're not the only ones that remember this day so passionately, as we look to our former step mother England for commentary each year.  And yet, each year they remain tight lipped, seemingly gritting their teeth at the very concept of the United States being a free and sovereign nation, though never muttering a word. The reality is that England has been quiet since 1776, or perhaps 1812 more accurately, leading us to believe the war for independence had finally ended.  That is, until this year...

Reuters reported yesterday that a belated and subsequently canceled (or perhaps postponed?) attack on America by British forces had been discovered.  The plan, as detailed in the documents discovered, was to be launched at 8:45 PM EST on July 4 (and then one hour later for the next three hours in each US time zone).  Soldiers were to travel by ship to Boston harbor where they would begin their offensive the same place where the battle ended some 200 plus years ago.

"The idea was brilliantly planned," said senior Great Scott military correspondent, Col. Bruce Hampton.  "Not only were they going to land on the shore right as the fireworks ended, but they were to be wearing period uniforms so it would seem like a demonstration being put on by the city.  The idea was to get people into it- then to obliterate them before they realized what was actually happening.  It's such a brilliant plan in fact, that it's a shame we didn't get to see it happen.*"

The idea got much scarier from there though.  Using what could only be described as anachronistic weaponry, the soldiers were given the newest technology and put through months of rigorous training on how to use it in combat.  The idea even spawned the new generation of unmanned aircraft that was declassified and made public earlier today.  Dubbed Taranis after the god of thunder and featured above, the plane is the first of it's kind and serves as a reminder that Britain is still a world power with the resources to prove it should they ever need to.

Yet the biggest question still remains today: if this plan was so masterfully conceived, why didn't Britain launch it?  Was there something that made them think otherwise?  Did their anti-US propaganda fail to recruit the volume of people they wanted?  Or perhaps some US spy foiled the plan just minutes before it was to begin?  Then there's also the myriad of failed sleeper cells that England launched in the States, right under our noses.  They even called it "The British Invasion" knowing we would never suspect a thing.  The plan only failed due to an unpredicted bout of Stockholm Syndrome their operatives experienced after legions of fans made them feel like gods.  To this day, Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney and Kieth Richards still walk out city streets freely as if they were one of our own.  Beyond that asterisk however, we may never really know why England didn't pull the trigger.  There are several theories of course.  Many of them involve the World Cup, which is just stupid.  Everyone knows the World Cup was just created as a distraction to lure Americans into the arms of the enemy.  Unfortunately for the world though, the US doesn't give a shit about soccer, so that plan never worked.

Another theory involves England activating a number of sleeper cells in each region of their former empire, circa 1775.  The thought was that they could deploy troops from Australia from the West, Canada from the North, and Africa and Europe from the East.  However, once the British learned that the majority of Canadians were French, or of French descent, they quickly squelched that idea.  Indeed, the British have always had their asses chapped by the French.  One can easily understand why they call their fries "chips" for that very reason.  The U.S. experienced a similar revelation when the White House cafeteria dubbed their fries "freedom fries," as a response to the French's ineffective support of the US.  Funny too, that the one thing our two nations might agree on is our hatred of the French.  And yet, to this day that hasn't been enough to unify.

All theories aside however, there was still a feeling of uncertainty in the air at the White House press room this morning.  Obama was supposed to comment on the discovery, but he was pulled just minutes before his address leading many to believe that this problem could be bigger than we even know.  Luckily, we have many factors playing to our advantage should England ever be an aggressor again, the greatest of which being our nuclear arsenal.  And while many agree that we should try and avoid nuclear means at all costs, many are actually behind the idea.  Jean Pikipsky from Tallahassee, Florida agrees.  "British food is gross. Nuke 'em."

We'll be sure to bring you updates as the news trickles down, but for now, the only thing certain is uncertainty.  Authorities are issuing the following warning: If you or someone you know sees a British person behaving mysteriously, chances are they are a zombie.  Kill them.  Then after you steal their money from their wallet, make some off-hand comment like "that's the first time you've ever lost 5 pounds in one sitting."  Then laugh to yourself.  See, cause in England, they call money "pounds."  And that's just silly.

*Col. Bruce Hampton is now being reviewed by the House of UnAmerican Activities, headed up by the grandson of McCarthy.  Small world, huh?

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