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Friday, July 30, 2010

The Weekend Joint

Started to revisit Karl Denson's catalog last night and wanted to remind the world what a great musician the guy is.  Check him out above, or go download/buy his stuff.  I'm more of a fan of his later record, "The Bridge," though that record doesn't have DJ Logic on it like this one does.  Enjoy!

And for those of you keeping track, this time next friday I'll be on my way to Phish, baby!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Signs Your World Is Coming To An End

Nostradamus may not have predicted the ice age (hey, he wasn't born yet, give him a break!) but he was right about a lot of other things.  Whale cancer, lady stirrup-pants, and Jim Belushi's "talent;" each prediction was more mind blowing than the next.  The scary part: they've all come true.  According to Jim is even in syndication.  Nostradamus predicted the future with such pin point accuracy, it's hard to believe we didn't have a plan laid out for when the shit he predicted started to hit the fan.  But hey, we're America.  We wait for a car crash before we put up a stoplight, god bless us.  And I hope it stays that way*.

Example: the recent decision to create a second food-related-television network, which was both completely necessary and solved the mystery of the pyramids all in one fell swoop.  Okay, so it didn't do that last part.  But honestly, does the world really need another food channel?  I mean, I get the rationale here: "MTV quit playing music videos, so what did they do?  They invent MTV2 call it a 'throwback' and make everyone happy.  It expands the brand while at the same time reconnects us with our roots."  But there's a fundamental flaw to this logic: the food network never strayed from their original vision.  They continue to play food related programming all day long.  If any departure has been made at the network, it's that they've strayed away from the daytime "Crazy Blonde Sandra cooks with patterns!" and moved into the "if this cupcake tastes like Jesus, you'll win the cupcake war!"  But I almost prefer that latter format.  America does too, I think.  In fact, Food Network is boasting the highest ratings they ever have, and it's all because of people like Duff Goldman and Guy Fieri and not Emeril and Paula Dean.  If anything, those dinosaurs need to be sent to the glue factory. 

Oh wait, they were.  And those that are left are being weaved into Food Network's prime time line up like a lattice.  Giada and Bobby Flay both seem perfectly at home as the fake Tom Colicchio and Padma Lakshmi on The Next Food Network Star, and I'm sure plans are in the works to move the Neely's from "down home" to "lower east" to keep up with Food Network's evolving image as current as possible.

All food, No Kurt Loder.

But perhaps the funniest turn in this "story" is that the Cooking Channel advertises as if they're reinventing the medium.  "For those of you who are sick of the other food channel, just buy digital cable, purchase our channel (channel 1054) and sit back and let the good times roll."  Brilliant, isn't it?  A network so tucked away between pay-per-view boxing matches and softcore ponos that it's almost as if they don't need your viewership.  They're better than you, and they want you to know that.  And you know what, it was a long time coming.  I had been waiting to feel worse about myself until something so up it's own ass came along that it told me what was wrong with the channels I regularly watch.  Now that I know, I can change my ways and finally live a better and fulfilled life.  Just me, my satellite, and some irrelevant start-up network that beats me up before school.

It's hard to say if the network will be a success.  Nostradamus left little to no word about this one, which has me worried.  My guess is the world will explode before we get a chance to really see them figure out just what they hell they think they are doing.  The surest sign your world is coming to an end, though?  A bank gave these assholes a loan to start this network, and you can't even get approved for a loan to buy a house.

Tough cookies, huh? 

* I don't.  I desperately hope things change.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Monday Jamz Courtesy of Desi Arnaz

Check out the track from Ski Beats with Mos Def (who crushes it as usual).

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Africanized Bees Request Name Change

Bees.  Who gives a shit, right?  The bees do, that's who.  And they're flapping their little wings louder than they ever have, in part due to a growing prejudice against them.  In recent years, the volume of anti-bee sentiments have percolated to the surface, resulting in an outpouring of media content and swayed public opinion.  Now, bees face a challenge they never have before: changing their identity.

Indeed, the squeaky clean image of bees collecting honey and fertilizing flowers seems a bit antiquated this day and age.  So does the notion of a harmonious world where things work in concert.  So it's not just the bees.  The problem, however, is that the bees are taking a lot of the blame for the otherwise natural order of the world.  Case and point: the Africanized, or "killer" bee, a name that when uttered in front of any bee is sure to send them into a frenzy of rage or excitement (we can't tell-- they're really small!).

So what can be done?  Not much, given the continual onslaught of defamatory actions being taken against them.  Many bees contend that Seinfeld's recent "Bee Movie" set the bee cause back further than when Wu Tang Clan dropped "Killer Bees," a single they released with the intention to clarify things for the masses: black people didn't like the word "africanized" becoming synonymous with "killer."  So they did the same thing Bob Dylan did 30 years earlier to exact some change; they wrote a song about it.  A song that reminded America that the bees were the real killers, not the rappers, and specifically not Africanized people themselves.

"Yeah, cause it was like, how would a bee fly all the way over here from Africa?  I understand you're embarrassed that the majority of your species kills people or whatever, but that don't make us dumb enough to just believe a bee could fly across the ocean.  Think it through," Method Man, a member of the Wu Tang Clan, said in an earlier statement.

So today, the bees march--err, fly on Washington to attempt to get their lives back.  Should they win their case, the bees will no longer be referred to as "killers," and the fines for referring to them as such will increase with each offense for any human who violates the law.

Ouch.  That one stings.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

4th of July Passes, English Army Doesn't Attack (Again)

 Another 4th of July has come and gone.  Like many Americans, we here at Great Scott view the anniversary of our nation's independence as one of the most important days of the year.  That's why we drink beer til we can't stand, grill dead animals, and chant "USA" on and endless loop into the night sky at seemingly no one. Unfortunately, we're not the only ones that remember this day so passionately, as we look to our former step mother England for commentary each year.  And yet, each year they remain tight lipped, seemingly gritting their teeth at the very concept of the United States being a free and sovereign nation, though never muttering a word. The reality is that England has been quiet since 1776, or perhaps 1812 more accurately, leading us to believe the war for independence had finally ended.  That is, until this year...

Reuters reported yesterday that a belated and subsequently canceled (or perhaps postponed?) attack on America by British forces had been discovered.  The plan, as detailed in the documents discovered, was to be launched at 8:45 PM EST on July 4 (and then one hour later for the next three hours in each US time zone).  Soldiers were to travel by ship to Boston harbor where they would begin their offensive the same place where the battle ended some 200 plus years ago.

"The idea was brilliantly planned," said senior Great Scott military correspondent, Col. Bruce Hampton.  "Not only were they going to land on the shore right as the fireworks ended, but they were to be wearing period uniforms so it would seem like a demonstration being put on by the city.  The idea was to get people into it- then to obliterate them before they realized what was actually happening.  It's such a brilliant plan in fact, that it's a shame we didn't get to see it happen.*"

The idea got much scarier from there though.  Using what could only be described as anachronistic weaponry, the soldiers were given the newest technology and put through months of rigorous training on how to use it in combat.  The idea even spawned the new generation of unmanned aircraft that was declassified and made public earlier today.  Dubbed Taranis after the god of thunder and featured above, the plane is the first of it's kind and serves as a reminder that Britain is still a world power with the resources to prove it should they ever need to.

Yet the biggest question still remains today: if this plan was so masterfully conceived, why didn't Britain launch it?  Was there something that made them think otherwise?  Did their anti-US propaganda fail to recruit the volume of people they wanted?  Or perhaps some US spy foiled the plan just minutes before it was to begin?  Then there's also the myriad of failed sleeper cells that England launched in the States, right under our noses.  They even called it "The British Invasion" knowing we would never suspect a thing.  The plan only failed due to an unpredicted bout of Stockholm Syndrome their operatives experienced after legions of fans made them feel like gods.  To this day, Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney and Kieth Richards still walk out city streets freely as if they were one of our own.  Beyond that asterisk however, we may never really know why England didn't pull the trigger.  There are several theories of course.  Many of them involve the World Cup, which is just stupid.  Everyone knows the World Cup was just created as a distraction to lure Americans into the arms of the enemy.  Unfortunately for the world though, the US doesn't give a shit about soccer, so that plan never worked.

Another theory involves England activating a number of sleeper cells in each region of their former empire, circa 1775.  The thought was that they could deploy troops from Australia from the West, Canada from the North, and Africa and Europe from the East.  However, once the British learned that the majority of Canadians were French, or of French descent, they quickly squelched that idea.  Indeed, the British have always had their asses chapped by the French.  One can easily understand why they call their fries "chips" for that very reason.  The U.S. experienced a similar revelation when the White House cafeteria dubbed their fries "freedom fries," as a response to the French's ineffective support of the US.  Funny too, that the one thing our two nations might agree on is our hatred of the French.  And yet, to this day that hasn't been enough to unify.

All theories aside however, there was still a feeling of uncertainty in the air at the White House press room this morning.  Obama was supposed to comment on the discovery, but he was pulled just minutes before his address leading many to believe that this problem could be bigger than we even know.  Luckily, we have many factors playing to our advantage should England ever be an aggressor again, the greatest of which being our nuclear arsenal.  And while many agree that we should try and avoid nuclear means at all costs, many are actually behind the idea.  Jean Pikipsky from Tallahassee, Florida agrees.  "British food is gross. Nuke 'em."

We'll be sure to bring you updates as the news trickles down, but for now, the only thing certain is uncertainty.  Authorities are issuing the following warning: If you or someone you know sees a British person behaving mysteriously, chances are they are a zombie.  Kill them.  Then after you steal their money from their wallet, make some off-hand comment like "that's the first time you've ever lost 5 pounds in one sitting."  Then laugh to yourself.  See, cause in England, they call money "pounds."  And that's just silly.

*Col. Bruce Hampton is now being reviewed by the House of UnAmerican Activities, headed up by the grandson of McCarthy.  Small world, huh?

Monday, July 12, 2010

Aloe Blacc - Good Things

Aloe Blacc- Good Things

Desi Arnaz kicks off the week with a solid soulful jam to light up any summer afternoon.  The single, off the self titled album, will be released September 21, 2010.  Enjoy!

Buy/download it here:

Good Things

Thursday, July 08, 2010

As Crude Oil Spreads Thoughout Gulf, So Does Harassment

By now, we've all heard about the millions of gallons of crude oil spilling into the ocean each day.  But there's a different story coming out of the gulf region that many Americans may not be aware of.  A social phenomenon of sorts, the area has seen an enormous upswing in new residents since the oil hit the water some 6 weeks ago.  And no, we're not talking about displaced animals, bankrupt fishermen, or Cuban immigrants, but rather the literal crude oil itself, which is proving to be more of a headache to get rid of than anyone ever imagined.  "Getting it out of the water was the easy part.  Getting it to leave is the tricky thing," commented BP executive Donald Plainsight.  "We can filter it and barrel it, but that doesn't make it any less of what it is already: crude, rude, and with nowhere to go."

Crude may be an understatement by this point however.  Several residents of the coastal town of Sarasota, Florida have filed complaints with city hall about the rising crudeness level citing whistling, cat calling, and foul odors from the crude oil.  Many fear the crudeness could reach the heights of the 1920s, when barrels of oil worked in the steel industry.  Within a year, hanging steel was one of the crudest professions one could keep. So much so that the term 'hanging steel' became another variation on an already crude sexual theme created by the oil barrels themselves to describe their lifestyle.  Women were whistled at from above, workers started smoking cigarettes, and comments like "check out the cans on that hoochie-coo" were heard more and more often until the oil barrels were forced out of the steel industry and underwater- literally.  In fact, many historians agree that aside from the stock market crash, the real cause to the great depression was the forced exile of millions of barrels of crude into the depths of the Gulf of Mexico.  A proverbial 'trail of tears,' the oil trudged it's way to the ocean leaving our national morale at an all time high as we thought we had finally wiped the slate clean.

In the years that passed, many Americans became so milk toast you could see through them.  God found a place in American society, and sex for pleasure was reserved for people that were of a lower class.  Indeed, the days of 'hanging steel' were but a foggy memory.  Throughout the years, there were a few cries for help from the oil community however; that whole Exxon/Valdeez thing for example.  The oil remained crude despite our attempt to keep it down.  But we paid it little mind, continuing on with our merry lives, murdering millions of gallons of crude each day simply to power our cars, airplanes and leaf blowers.  Today crude oil is apparently back and here to stay, littering once-affluent neighborhoods and beach communities with their presence, odor and all around bad attitude.

As the days continue to pass, more and more oil spills into the gulf threatening our way of life as we know it.   Rescue efforts seem pitiful at best.  And while some residents think we should try and reach out to the oil in an effort to make amends, even the most diplomatic of politicians has a hard time keeping his cool.  U.S.-Government-hired Art Blanderson*, trained hostage negotiator and diplomat, described his attempt at making peace:
I arrive for my meeting with Dr. Crude, the leader of the local Crude tribe, and immediately he sticks his hand down his pants and scratches himself.  Then he reaches his arm out to shake.  What am I supposed to do with that!?  He said he bet my grandmother really loved the D.  I should have kicked his fucking face in!
Indeed it is a long road ahead before we'll see any change in the crude region.  And while some small efforts have been made, and some nice barrels of oil found, it's clear that someone or something needs to intervene before the problem spreads out of the gulf and into the rest of the world.

*Blanderson was fired just 5 minutes after this article was published.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Head Spinnin' 4th

Desi Arnaz brings the heat before the BBQ this weekend with this remix done by Jeff Samuel.  Enjoy the jam, and have a safe and fun 4th!  We'll be back with new content next week.

Buy Jeff Samuel on the internet:

Awt [Vinyl]
Blap e. p. [Vinyl 12'']