Monday, June 21, 2010
Vehicular Manslaughter Takes Literal Meaning As Cars Get Smarter
The debate in question has nothing to do with calculators however, but rather the rapidly growing rate of unmanned car accidents resulting in fatalities. "See, people are getting dumber," Verne said. "Before, like before Christ* before, if you needed something, or had a problem you needed to figure out, you just did it yourself. You pick up a map, or you call information, or you learn how to do long division. Then the abacuses and the Smartphones came along and people realized they didn't need to know shit anymore. Now with the automobiles we're seeing a whole new problem. Cars practically drive themselves. Cruise control, rear view camera, hands-free parallel parking...it was only a matter of time before people weren't even needed anymore. Well, that day has come, and the results are frightening."
And yet, as odd a tale as this sounds, millions of Americans are encountering the same thing each day. In May alone, over 200 cars were sentenced to life behind bars. Many hybrids have literally "had the plug pulled," and are now being reincarnated into something else. Probably another car. Seems logical. And with other cries for help from the cars themselves like the headline-making Prius on the California freeway that sped up seemingly under it's own volition, it's clear that this problem is growing.
It's hard to venture a guess at what the fallout from this will be. Many assume the end of mankind as we know it, citing the passe 2012 theory as finally materializing. Others blame BP. And the nice folks at Jiffy Lube said "if you would have just used synthetic, you would have gotten another 2000 miles out of the old girl. Also, we recommend you get a new air filter cause we'll try to sell you anything we can."
*I'm sorry, who?