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Monday, May 03, 2010

E Harmony Launches Animal Friendly Dating Franchise

Ten years ago e-dating was a laughable concept for the cripplingly depressed.  Pedophiles, grannies, trannies, uggos, and fatties; it was desolation row for those that had been chewed up and spit out the back end of the dating world.  There was no way to ensure that what you saw was what you got and there was a plethora of things that could go disastrously wrong.  Then Gregory Waldorf, now-CEO of E-Harmony, came along and legitimized the entire enterprise eliminating many of the threats, verifying membership info through a secure background check program, and charging users a monthly membership fee.  Today, E-Harmony has grown to over twenty million uses, and that's merely a fraction of the hundreds of millions of users who flood the internet each day searching for "the one."

Though online dating is the norm today, many inside the industry agree that the concept is at it's financial peak and can only go down from here, much like many of the women on E-Harmony.  Ever the pioneer, Greg Waldorf felt otherwise.  We sat down for an exclusive interview with him so he could explain further.  "I woke up one day and I thought- monkeys and dolphins can use computers...why can't they meet other monkeys and dolphins online just like we do?  And why can't we make money off it?  It doesn't have to stop there, either. (ed note: Though, physiologically, it pretty much does.)  Anything can meet anything on line.  Dogs meeting birds.  Toasters meeting rocks. So that's what brought me here today, to share a new concept E-Harmony is announcing that will revolutionize the world on online dating."

Waldorf isn't alone in this idea either.  Well, the toasters and rocks are pretty out there, but the animal part, which is the part we meant, seems to be picking up some steam.  In fact, as we report this today, several other online dating behemoths are in the beta stages of testing similar concepts.  The problem thus far though hasn't been financial support for development, but rather the lack of any positive results to date.  Since 2009 when the idea was first kicked around, E-harmony alone had plugged 25 million dollars into the idea, with little to show for it.  And while many other online dating sites have already gone public with their version of the same thing, E-Harmony invented it and waited until they got it right to go public.

"Today marks a historic day in the world of online dating.  We at E-Harmony would like to announce the debut of our newest online dating franchise," Waldorf said in a statement earlier.  "We call it E-Humany, and we trust you'll agree it's the most humany of all the animal online date sites.  Our intention is to give animals the same chance we have as humans to find lasting and meaningful love." 

Still, one can't help but wonder.  It took E-Harmony ten years to reach the level that made online dating commonplace.  Who's to say animals, and more specifically mammals, aren't the next in line?  After all, as soon as most of them grow thumbs, the internet will become all but second nature.  Still, considering "humany" is hardly a word, and evolutionary progress like that is thousands of years away, many investors are raising their eyebrows at the decision.

Jack McJackery, 40 percent shareholder, is among them.  "We had a simple mission statement when we created E-Harmony: computers matching single losers so their life would have meaning.  Then when we thought there was no new ground to be forged, we hired Greg who us promised new and innovative ideas for the future.  ... But I don't think any of us saw this coming.  And certainly not on a Monday!  Harumph."

Seeking a different perspective, we consulted ardent zoologist and tea cup collector Tyler Cannty for his opinion on the new world order.   Cannty has worked at the San Diego zoo, essentially as a pimp, for the past 10 years.  His accomplishments include successfully mating a bird and a fish, and lending certifiable credence to the popular South Park episode where the shows creators claimed "pig and elephant DNA just won't splice," and video documenting the first case of beluga whale fellatio.  But despite the myriad of other accomplishments in his long and decorated career with animals, he cites today as being the most important for their future.

"Now a horse can walk into a bar and not be a punchline to some bad joke anymore.  Unless he says 'Nay.'  But we as people have now openly acknowledged animals' desires to explore the limits of their sexuality, and now they can do just that in an open and safe environment."


Still, some questions can't help be raised about the potential fall out of this social experiment.  Because while many Americans in more liberal densely-populated sectors seem open to this new integration, it's conservatives in the fly over states that ultimately control public opinion and thus moral outcome.  And the fears there are growing with each day.  Most notably, the chance for the genus to become homogeneous over the course of evolution (ahem, assuming evolution is real, thank you!) in the coming tens of thousands of years.

In other words, will humans begin to desire, date and eventually mate with animals?  Not any time soon, according to right wing "sane-ys" (their term, not mine).

"Beastiality is still illegal," Betsy Popollup of Lansing, MI stated.  "And for the rest of the time I am on this planet, it better stay that way."

Or else?

"What do you mean 'or else?'  Or else people will be having sex with animals, which is both immoral and disgusting."

Her husband, a walrus of a man, seemed unphased by this backhanded insult.

"That could be true, perhaps," Zoologist Cannty commented when hearing the previous soundbite.  "Though she's neglecting to realize the positive impact it could have on the minotaur population, which has been decimated if not completely extinct for more than 5,000 years.  So there's that too.  It all comes full circle."

And while both arguments seem completely insane to us here at Great Scott!, E-Harmony seems to be moving forward with little doubt in mind.  "We're excited about the future here.  I'm also hoping to find a mate for my cat Fittlesbee K. Einsenplott.  So far though, not that much good pussy online."

We had to remind him he was talking about the internet.

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