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Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Paternity Test Reveals Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg Are Long Lost Brothers

COLUMBUS, OH-- In news that shocked no one at all, Jerry Springer revealed last night that Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg are long lost brothers- but not in the traditional sense.

Indeed, there was much speculation surrounding the forthcoming announcement backstage at last night's show. Both actors found themselves in their dressing rooms anticipating the worst. Would Cera be crowned Mr. Awkward 2010, or would Eisenberg be officially asked to step down from his career to ease in the confusion the general public feels every time the walk into the theater? Neither of them had a clue.

Just moments before the show, we had a chance to speak with Eisenberg about the situation.

"I never met The Situation. You're thinking of Cera."

"And you're not Cera?" we wondered.

"No, I'm Eisenberg."

"Oh, you're here to do my taxes. Got it."

"No, I'm the actor, Jesse Eisenberg."

"And I'm Fred Flintstone," I quipped back.


Moments later we found ourselves in Michael Cera's dressing room. Star of the made for TV movie What Katy Did and Twice In A Lifetime where he played Skateboarder #2, it was obvious we had a lot to discuss.

"Tell us about The Situation."

"He was really nice. So was Snooki."

"No, we mean the situation with Jesse Eisenberg."

"Oh. I'm not sure. It's awkward, whatever it is, cause that's what we do best. Awkwardness."

Moments later I was shooed out of this room by his publicist, but she did have this photo for me to confirm that Michael Cera is trying to distance himself from the comparisons to Jesse Eisenberg, especially as Eisenberg gets better parts in better films that Cera has been recently. Here's the photo:

Talk about a good publicist! I hardly recognized the guy. And I don't think Springer was very happy with it either, especially considering the sole purpose of this meeting, which he had yet to reveal to us by that point.
The audience was on the edge of their seat as the theme music played and Jerry took the stage. Some chants of "Mayor of my heart" were heard from the peanut gallery in back* By the time Cera and Eisenberg hit the stage, the place was a cacophony of oohs, ahhs, hisses and cheers. Many seemed confused as to why either of these nerds deserved time on Springer's show. But once he introduced them and showed some of their work, everyone knew the shit was about to hit the fan. Cera's #1 fan to be exact, a girl named Sally Parker who sat in the front row, as wide-eyed as she'd ever been. We caught up with Sally after the show to hear her reaction.

"Had I know I'd be hit with a literal piece of shit, I wouldn't have come here today."

True story.

As the half-hour live-to-tape program clipped along, the audience began to grow restless. 18 minutes and still not one earth-shattering revelation. It was only moments later that things got all too real. Springer opened the fateful envelope and announced that Cera and Eisenberg were in fact long lost brothers. And instead of the traditional "fight til the credits" mantra that the Springer show often embodied, something a little different happened that day: Cera and Eisenberg began to kiss.

But not just any kiss, a really long, really wet, open-mouthed "I'm in love" kind of kiss. The kind of kiss that brothers share. Canadian brothers.

After throwing up for several hours, it was revealed to me that the entire show had been a hoax. Eisenberg wasn't really kissing Michael Cera, he was making out with a mirror, reflecting upon the days when he was a no one and Michael Cera was playing Josh Spitz in the series Braceface for 12 episodes. It was that show that inspired Eisenberg's "impersonate Cera" career, something he is still thankful for to this day.

*Springer is such a huge peanut fan, he actually keeps a gallery of all of his favorite peanuts just behind the audience area at the Jerry Springer Show. Some of his favorites include celebrity look-alikes, peanuts with 3 nuts in one shell, and the elusive single-nut shell peanut.

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