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Monday, April 26, 2010

Evolution Speeding Up, 3rd World Scientists Claim

It's been a while since we have brought you anything new here at Great Scott!, but that's cause we were waiting until we knew the facts about the following story.  And not only is it true, but it promises to be such a shock to the scientific world, we may not be able to finish writing the article without completely flipping our flapjacks.  So, without further ado, here's the scoop...

Mexican scientists*, in a joint experiment with the crazy-question-mark-guy and funded by the 3rd world science alliance (3WSA), have made a shocking discovery.  They claim to have evidence that proves mankind will evolve from 5-fingered-hands to 4-fingered-hands sooner than we thought.  The discovery comes on the heels of what can only be called the most prolific time in 3rd world science history.  Scientists from all over impoverished regions of Mexico and Africa have been working together on this research for months, but are only now stepping forward because "we wanted to be 100% positive before we made the announcement."

As many skeptics draw into question their research methods and educational background, the empirical evidence speaks for itself.  We caught up with 3WSA head researcher Paco Meircoles, who recreated the moment for us:

"We watch a lot of TV.  Mostly Don Cheto, but I mean, what else can you do when 10 people share a 1-bedroom apartment in the name of science?  Anyway, one of our young scientists, we'll call him "my son, Jose" was watching Central de Comedie, a popular news network in our country.  At one point, the science news program Futurama comes on.  Jose watched for a moment then turned to me and said "why do they only have 4 fingers when we humans have 5?"  It was then that I realized exactly what he meant.

"Was I going crazy?  Or was this just another moment where evolution was passing our country by AGAIN?  We had to learn more, so we began experimenting and researching so we could find the cause."  Paco listlessly leafed through some papers as if he had proof to support his entire claim.

"But didn't it bother you that the people you saw on, ahem, Futurama, were animated" we wondered?

"Not at all.  Most of Mexico's leaders have been very animated people.  Look at Luis Echeverría, Ernesto Zedillo, and Vicente Fox.  Put those guys in a room together, and you'd be lucky if any of them came out with two fingers, let alone four or five!"

Instead of reasoning with him, we let Paco have his moment.  It seemed the only civil thing to do.   And to his defense, you haven't partied til you party with a Mexican president.

Still, this faux-discovery does have several legitimate scientists wondering what to do with these scientifically meandering nations and claims.

"I think it's high time we explain to them just what exactly cartoons are.  Otherwise, we'll be spending our last moments on earth trying to reason with a man who thinks that Speedy Gonzales is a national hero."

Paco couldn't have felt differently.

"The key here is to turn everyone in to cartoons so the modern world doesn't pass us by.  Time is of the essence!"

"And how do you propose we do that" we couldn't help but ask?

"A combination of motion capture and WonkaVision."

Surprisingly, Paco was dead on for the first time in his career.  Unfortunately, no one told him, so he continued talking until he sounded crazy again.

Still, it's non-discoveries like these that prove there is much left to be learned about the world.  One can't help but wonder if animation isn't the key to the future of mankind.

*yes, they do exist.

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