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Tuesday, March 09, 2010

So You Thought You Could Dance?

Buckey "Tiny Feet" Johnson sits on some Ikea furniture

Buckey "Tiny Feet" Johnson was a simple man with a larger than life dream. He carried that dream across the world trying his best to make it a reality. Unfortunately, however, dreams only come true for Americans, so Tiny Feet all but gave up. That is, until recently. His dream, you wonder? To be donned with the title, "Yes I Know I Can Dance" from the hit Fox reality show So You Think You Can Dance.

Tiny Feet was born in Germany, the son of a mouse-trainer father and baking soda factory worker mother. He never wanted much out of life: to eat solid foods, spell difficult words and dance like a man possessed. As it happens, Tiny Feet got his solid foods and dictionary like spelling abilities, but that wasn't enough. "When I was denied entry into the Scrips Spelling Bee I almost gave up," said Tiny. "They said I was too old. I was like 'I'm two-foot-one, how do you know how old I am!?' but they weren't having it. So I quit spelling and started dancing. First in protest to the fact that they wouldn't let me spell, but then because I actually liked it."

Translation: tiny feet are equal to any feet

It was then that Buckey caught his first break in an audition for So You Think You Can Dance- Germany (actually titled We Have Ways of Making You Dance). He dazzled judges with his one-man routine, though they agreed afterwards they thought he was just someone's son who just wandered in to the room. Dreams half crushed, Buckey flew to Russia for their upstart of the Fox franchise, So You Think Everyone Dances Equally? Well They Do, End Of Story. It was in this incredibly unbiased competition that Tiny Feet realized he was no better than anyone else, so he moved on.

Hopes and dreams levied, Buckey took some respite. Last winter he traveled to the United States for, as he put it, "chicks without penises." Upon arriving in Chicago direct from Stalingrad, Buckey landed a role at the Steppenwolf Theater opposite Joan Cusack in The Cherry Orchard. Not knowing English, the show closed after just one night due to Cusack's performance. Still, that was enough to attract the attention of Hollywood power-agent Joo Knowse, who's previous credits included getting BJ Novak to ruin portions of Inglourious Basterds, and hiring a mobile In-N-Out truck to serve food at his daughters Bat Mitzvah. Joo took one look at Tiny Feet and knew he had something.

"I had seen Matryoshka dolls, but I didn't realize I had a real live one on my hands. If he had only gotten here a week earlier, bought some trucker hats, married a woman, had 8 kids, and then got divorced, he would be on Dancing With The Stars like he always wanted."

We here at Great Scott have no idea who Joo is referring to, but they sure sound worthy of fame and riches. And as for Buckey, he's holding on. "I got a set of playing cards today. Each one has a different naked lady on it. So when I play solitaire, which is card-lingo for me touching myself, I win every time!"

But what about the dancing?

"Fuck it. A few more earthquakes and we'll all be dead anyway, so what's the point?"

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