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Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Real-life Thriller: Michael Jackson's Corpse Signs Multi-Million Dollar Deal

Earlier today, Yahoo News reported that Michael Jackson inked a 200 million dollar record deal that could include over 50 million dollars in additional incentives should they deliver on their new contractual obligations to Sony Music. This is the first of Sony's posthumous deals (and the most expensive one ever at 250 mil), but the label has said they are interested in others. "We always liked that Left Eye from TLC...if we can find her grave, we might dig her up and form a partnership. John Lennon too."

But while Sony deliberates about who's eternal peace to disturb next, fans everywhere are reeling in the newest MJ-related news. One fan in particular is in utter disbelief. "I woke up this morning and someone told me they paid zombie Jackson 250 million dollars for songs he's already recorded?" quipped Samuel Teesly. "I need to find him before he eats my brain and becomes too powerful to stop. Also, I need to have a meeting with Sony, cause those guys are idiots."

Idiots or not, one thing is certain: if Jackson is able to fully regenerate (or in his case, re-regenerate), many believe there will be no stopping him. "I buried Jackson myself," said gravedigger Mort Ician from Southern California. "Next thing I know, it's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark. And under the moonlight I saw a sight that almost stopped my heart. I tried to scream, but terror took the sound before I made it. Then I froze as horror looked me right in the eye... It was MJ, and he was about 30% regenerated at that point. He then grabbed my neck-- he had the strength of ten boys-- and he ripped out my eyes. That's why I have no eyes."

"We hadn't noticed," I commented. (yeah right, the dude has no eyes people! freaky!)

"I hadn't noticed know, cause I have no eyes," Mort joked.

The zombie MJ was last seen leaving the Wendy Williams show where he was said to be promoting his new contract. By that point, eyewitnesses said he was up to 70% regenerated. And while a sea of music critics claim we have nothing to worry about, each percentage point closer to full regeneration instills fear in the hearts and minds of the American populous.

"I ain't lettin' my kid run around out there with that partial-freak running around on the loose," said Shelly Jackson of Louisville, KY.

"Weren't you more worried for your kids when you thought he was a pedophile?" we wondered.

"A what? What does that mean? Boy, git your fancy city talk out of my house before I call the cops."

"But mam, the zombie jackson is out there, and it's now nightfall."

"You should have thought that through a little better, huh?"

Who's on the cover of White Magazine, Suge Knight?

So, as this reporter ran for his life through rural Kentucky, he couldn't help but wonder: what's next for the post-aging superstar. Space travel? He's already done it. Brain harvesting? That's going on now. So what could it be? Why is he back? We had to sit down with Harvard scientist Nerdly Pesterburg before we knew all the facts.

"It's simply really. Michael is searching for his blackness. And he will wander the earth until he finds it."

Ah. Okay. Well that wraps up that then.

For Great Scott! this is Great Scott, reporting.

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