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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Heirs to Enormous Archaeological Fortune Dubbed 'Bone-Heirs'

It's rare to hear of a "shake-up" in the archaeological world, but today has brought us just that. It was announced today that last week famed archaeologist, Iowa Jackson, passed away. A source close to the mega-adventurer said it was "a peaceful and timely death." Police are now interviewing this source as their response sounded more than a bit ominous. But was it a murder? Was there foul play involved? Surely most of America will be on the edge of their seats until they hear the truth (our bet is Iowa, Brittany Murphy and Corey Haim are somewhere conspiring together in hopes of world domination). But the real victims here are his children: three sons and one daughter. Upon hearing about their father's death, the children were surprised to learn about the enormous inheritance their father left them (and many others as well).

Aside from leaving his estate to the department of antiquities, Iowa left an enormous amount of money to the Boston Museum of Archeology,* the New York Center for Old Stuff**, and the London Academy of Oogity-Boogites^ where Jackson first conquered his fear of all things slimy and creepy in 1954. At the time, this included bugs, rats, mice, darkness, racism, and snakes, though the LAOB (for short) has since expanded their curriculum to include terrorists, swords, and female talk show hosts). Interestingly enough, Jackson scored exemplary marks in his first year while there, four years later graduating at the top of his class in everything but snakes, the reptiles that plagued him til his death last week.

The real story here, however, came when Jackson announced his plan to leave his collection of rare bones and skeletons to his four children and not to the museums, as many experts had predicted. Dubbed "The Bone Heirs," the four have been trying to shake the name ever since, but can't quite seem to do so. We caught up with Iowa's eldest son, Frontier Jackson, for commentary.

"All of these people, they keep calling me a bone-heir and I insist that I am not," Frontier said. "But when you have actual physical proof to back up a claim like that, it becomes hard to shake."

"Are most bone-heirs hard to shake," we wondered?

"Virtually any bone-heir would be very hard-- HEY! Wait a minute! I'm not falling for that one again!"

Still, one can't help but feel pity for Iowa's sole daughter, Marigold, who has been the subject of social ridicule for years because due to her suspected loose morals. "Archeology used to be my code word for oral sex. You know, 'bone hunting' and what not. It was all very childish at the time. But then when the media started referring to us as the bone-heirs, I just knew someone had leaked my behavior to the press. I am here today to dispel these rumors once and for all."

We informed her that we had heard nothing referring to her personal life (and still hadn't come press time for this article).

"Oh? Really? In that case, the rumors are false. I wasn't a slut. The name bone-heirs is just because my dad gave me his bone collection. Well, me and my brothers."

In that order?

"He never came out and said he had a favorite, but I always got mine. It's tough, with 4 kids, to decide who gets the bone first-- HEY! Wait a minute! I'm not doing this again. This interview is over."

While we wait for the death of Iowa Jackson to be investigated and the four bone-heirs to decide where their collection will reside, one thing is for certain: Iowa Jackson fathered some pretty gullible and possibly slutty kids.

For Great Scott, I'm a potato. Fried.

*which may be real for all we know.
**that one is definitely not real.
^if this one were any less real, I'd be worried.

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