Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
It's rare to hear of a "shake-up" in the archaeological world, but today has brought us just that. It was announced today that last week famed archaeologist, Iowa Jackson, passed away. A source close to the mega-adventurer said it was "a peaceful and timely death." Police are now interviewing this source as their response sounded more than a bit ominous. But was it a murder? Was there foul play involved? Surely most of America will be on the edge of their seats until they hear the truth (our bet is Iowa, Brittany Murphy and Corey Haim are somewhere conspiring together in hopes of world domination). But the real victims here are his children: three sons and one daughter. Upon hearing about their father's death, the children were surprised to learn about the enormous inheritance their father left them (and many others as well).
Aside from leaving his estate to the department of antiquities, Iowa left an enormous amount of money to the Boston Museum of Archeology,* the New York Center for Old Stuff**, and the London Academy of Oogity-Boogites^ where Jackson first conquered his fear of all things slimy and creepy in 1954. At the time, this included bugs, rats, mice, darkness, racism, and snakes, though the LAOB (for short) has since expanded their curriculum to include terrorists, swords, and female talk show hosts). Interestingly enough, Jackson scored exemplary marks in his first year while there, four years later graduating at the top of his class in everything but snakes, the reptiles that plagued him til his death last week.
The real story here, however, came when Jackson announced his plan to leave his collection of rare bones and skeletons to his four children and not to the museums, as many experts had predicted. Dubbed "The Bone Heirs," the four have been trying to shake the name ever since, but can't quite seem to do so. We caught up with Iowa's eldest son, Frontier Jackson, for commentary.
"All of these people, they keep calling me a bone-heir and I insist that I am not," Frontier said. "But when you have actual physical proof to back up a claim like that, it becomes hard to shake."
"Are most bone-heirs hard to shake," we wondered?
"Virtually any bone-heir would be very hard-- HEY! Wait a minute! I'm not falling for that one again!"
Still, one can't help but feel pity for Iowa's sole daughter, Marigold, who has been the subject of social ridicule for years because due to her suspected loose morals. "Archeology used to be my code word for oral sex. You know, 'bone hunting' and what not. It was all very childish at the time. But then when the media started referring to us as the bone-heirs, I just knew someone had leaked my behavior to the press. I am here today to dispel these rumors once and for all."
We informed her that we had heard nothing referring to her personal life (and still hadn't come press time for this article).
"Oh? Really? In that case, the rumors are false. I wasn't a slut. The name bone-heirs is just because my dad gave me his bone collection. Well, me and my brothers."
In that order?
"He never came out and said he had a favorite, but I always got mine. It's tough, with 4 kids, to decide who gets the bone first-- HEY! Wait a minute! I'm not doing this again. This interview is over."
While we wait for the death of Iowa Jackson to be investigated and the four bone-heirs to decide where their collection will reside, one thing is for certain: Iowa Jackson fathered some pretty gullible and possibly slutty kids.
For Great Scott, I'm a potato. Fried.
*which may be real for all we know.
**that one is definitely not real.
^if this one were any less real, I'd be worried.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Earlier today, Yahoo News reported that Michael Jackson inked a 200 million dollar record deal that could include over 50 million dollars in additional incentives should they deliver on their new contractual obligations to Sony Music. This is the first of Sony's posthumous deals (and the most expensive one ever at 250 mil), but the label has said they are interested in others. "We always liked that Left Eye from TLC...if we can find her grave, we might dig her up and form a partnership. John Lennon too."
But while Sony deliberates about who's eternal peace to disturb next, fans everywhere are reeling in the newest MJ-related news. One fan in particular is in utter disbelief. "I woke up this morning and someone told me they paid zombie Jackson 250 million dollars for songs he's already recorded?" quipped Samuel Teesly. "I need to find him before he eats my brain and becomes too powerful to stop. Also, I need to have a meeting with Sony, cause those guys are idiots."
Idiots or not, one thing is certain: if Jackson is able to fully regenerate (or in his case, re-regenerate), many believe there will be no stopping him. "I buried Jackson myself," said gravedigger Mort Ician from Southern California. "Next thing I know, it's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark. And under the moonlight I saw a sight that almost stopped my heart. I tried to scream, but terror took the sound before I made it. Then I froze as horror looked me right in the eye... It was MJ, and he was about 30% regenerated at that point. He then grabbed my neck-- he had the strength of ten boys-- and he ripped out my eyes. That's why I have no eyes."
"We hadn't noticed," I commented. (yeah right, the dude has no eyes people! freaky!)
"I hadn't noticed either...you know, cause I have no eyes," Mort joked.
The zombie MJ was last seen leaving the Wendy Williams show where he was said to be promoting his new contract. By that point, eyewitnesses said he was up to 70% regenerated. And while a sea of music critics claim we have nothing to worry about, each percentage point closer to full regeneration instills fear in the hearts and minds of the American populous.
"I ain't lettin' my kid run around out there with that partial-freak running around on the loose," said Shelly Jackson of Louisville, KY.
"Weren't you more worried for your kids when you thought he was a pedophile?" we wondered.
"A what? What does that mean? Boy, git your fancy city talk out of my house before I call the cops."
"But mam, the zombie jackson is out there, and it's now nightfall."
"You should have thought that through a little better, huh?"
So, as this reporter ran for his life through rural Kentucky, he couldn't help but wonder: what's next for the post-aging superstar. Space travel? He's already done it. Brain harvesting? That's going on now. So what could it be? Why is he back? We had to sit down with Harvard scientist Nerdly Pesterburg before we knew all the facts.
"It's simply really. Michael is searching for his blackness. And he will wander the earth until he finds it."
Ah. Okay. Well that wraps up that then.
For Great Scott! this is Great Scott, reporting.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Buckey "Tiny Feet" Johnson sits on some Ikea furniture
Buckey "Tiny Feet" Johnson was a simple man with a larger than life dream. He carried that dream across the world trying his best to make it a reality. Unfortunately, however, dreams only come true for Americans, so Tiny Feet all but gave up. That is, until recently. His dream, you wonder? To be donned with the title, "Yes I Know I Can Dance" from the hit Fox reality show So You Think You Can Dance.
Tiny Feet was born in Germany, the son of a mouse-trainer father and baking soda factory worker mother. He never wanted much out of life: to eat solid foods, spell difficult words and dance like a man possessed. As it happens, Tiny Feet got his solid foods and dictionary like spelling abilities, but that wasn't enough. "When I was denied entry into the Scrips Spelling Bee I almost gave up," said Tiny. "They said I was too old. I was like 'I'm two-foot-one, how do you know how old I am!?' but they weren't having it. So I quit spelling and started dancing. First in protest to the fact that they wouldn't let me spell, but then because I actually liked it."
Translation: tiny feet are equal to any feet
It was then that Buckey caught his first break in an audition for So You Think You Can Dance- Germany (actually titled We Have Ways of Making You Dance). He dazzled judges with his one-man routine, though they agreed afterwards they thought he was just someone's son who just wandered in to the room. Dreams half crushed, Buckey flew to Russia for their upstart of the Fox franchise, So You Think Everyone Dances Equally? Well They Do, End Of Story. It was in this incredibly unbiased competition that Tiny Feet realized he was no better than anyone else, so he moved on.
Hopes and dreams levied, Buckey took some respite. Last winter he traveled to the United States for, as he put it, "chicks without penises." Upon arriving in Chicago direct from Stalingrad, Buckey landed a role at the Steppenwolf Theater opposite Joan Cusack in The Cherry Orchard. Not knowing English, the show closed after just one night due to Cusack's performance. Still, that was enough to attract the attention of Hollywood power-agent Joo Knowse, who's previous credits included getting BJ Novak to ruin portions of Inglourious Basterds, and hiring a mobile In-N-Out truck to serve food at his daughters Bat Mitzvah. Joo took one look at Tiny Feet and knew he had something.
"I had seen Matryoshka dolls, but I didn't realize I had a real live one on my hands. If he had only gotten here a week earlier, bought some trucker hats, married a woman, had 8 kids, and then got divorced, he would be on Dancing With The Stars like he always wanted."
We here at Great Scott have no idea who Joo is referring to, but they sure sound worthy of fame and riches. And as for Buckey, he's holding on. "I got a set of playing cards today. Each one has a different naked lady on it. So when I play solitaire, which is card-lingo for me touching myself, I win every time!"
But what about the dancing?
"Fuck it. A few more earthquakes and we'll all be dead anyway, so what's the point?"
Monday, March 08, 2010
NBC made good on their word and will be airing all 6 episodes of 100 Questions starting May 27th. Be sure to tune in and check it out and see all my hard work come to fruition.
Trying to help sell your friends on the show? Tell them it's Friends meets How I Met Your Mother, but with a British girl. They'll love it. And you'll be called a hero.