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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Winter Olympics: Another Excuse for Men to Avoid Their Wives

Vancouver, February, 2010. The Winter Olympics are in full swing and apparently everyone is watching. NBC has been reporting better ratings than a Simon Cowell sandwich. "Almost a third of the Superbowl numbers," one exec proudly quipped, off the record, of course. "That ain't bad, man. We'll be 4th again before you know it" Especially when one considers the Superbowl drew over 100 million viewers, making the Winter Olympics seem that much more relevant, even though they aren't. Still, when asking many people on the street, "Just what is a Winter Olympics anyway?" Many have no idea. In fact, while millions of Americans can report that they are tuning-in to the daily broadcasts, it seems that no one is actually watching the games.

"I leave it on for Snickers when I go to work," said Beatrice Kemple of Missoula, Montana. "Snickers is my cat. I called her that cause one time some nougat came out of her. Didn't taste too good though. Anyway, I'm not much for sports myself, but if it keeps my cat from ruining my wigs while I'm out, then I'm on board." We then asked her to identify the sport that was currently being played, which she could not do. "I think it's some kind of skiing contest to see who can shoot a gun. Or something."

Still puzzled by Beatrice and her cat, we met with Pittsburgh resident Alan Dufrane, a long-time Steelers fan and recent Superbowl-party-host. "I've been having the guys over every night to the man cave. See, a man cave is a place where we men can go to avoid our wives, ignore our children, turn our back on our familial obligations, that kinda shit. Can I say shit? Anyway, it's nice. And I think we all need it from time to time." But every night? This reporter just couldn't believe it. "Our thinking was that we'd just go with it 'til it got boring. But then we noticed that there's all these sports we don't even understand. Like, what is that person brushing the ice for? So that giant hockey puck can slide better? Just use the zambonie, ya frickin idiot. Canada, huh? I tell yuns." Our discussion went on like this for some time. "I guess the one thing to take away from this is that as more men are becoming unemployed, we're realizing that we really don't like our families at all." A few of the men harumphed in agreement. "So if we can take even 4 hours a night for ourselves, we will."

Surprisingly, it's not just men that have taken to these winter games to avoid their real lives. Many butch lesbians have hopped on board as well. Betsy Biggs, of Omaha, Nebraska, was quick to comment. "If anything, we were here first." A typical response from a lesbian, but we had to hear more. "I mean, it's not like we want to go home and listen to our wives bitch and moan about their day. Straight men stole this idea from us. And think about these games for that matter. No one really cares about them except us. When we viewed sweeping a room as a sexist activity, we made curling a sport to level the playing field. When figure skating got too main stream, we added in that hermaphrodite. So we're doing our part. We always have been. It's just now that people are hopping on the bandwagon."

Hopefully there aren't too many people hopping on however, cause if they're anything like Betsy, that wagon will break pretty soon. You know, due to overweightness.

For Great Scott, I'm Great Scott, reporting live from Vancouver, BC, Canada.

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