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Thursday, February 04, 2010

Space Dog Sees Shadow, World Is Safe For Another Year

While many folks are familiar with Groundhog Day and Punxsutawney Phil, much less media attention is given to Space Dog and his annual prediction about the fate of the world we live in. For those of you that are unaware: NASA sent a dog into space and has it step out of it's dog house one day a year- February 4- this very day- to determine whether or not mankind has another year to live on Earth. If he sees his shadow, humanity is safe, if he doesn't, we're doomed. Simple, right? And certainly much more plausible than many Hollywood movies.

The problem is that it's not always as simple as shadow or no shadow. Much like flipping a coin, there's always a .0001% chance the coin will land on it's side as opposed to 'heads' or 'tails.' And while 'tails' would have been a fitting name for NASA's space dog, the Russian Cosmonaut, Igor Korialev, wanted something a little more ferocious given the nature of Space Dog's work. "He determine fate of world. He need strong name like 'bull' or 'ox.'" NASA, instead of explaining to the Russian that 'bull' and 'ox' are actually names for other animals, reached a compromise and decided to name him 'Lil' Bruiser.' With both parties happy, 'Lil Bruiser' or 'Brusie' went into space in October 2004. He has been there ever since, keeping his watchful eye on the world*.

Today, however, proved a new challenge for everyone on team NASA-DOGFORCE. For the first time ever, Brusie stepped out of his dog house expecting one of two typical results. But the universe had a different plan. At 6:43 AM this morning, a solar flare burst out of the sun- one of the largest in recorded history according to Hubble Space Laboratories. With it came a burst of heat, energy, and light that successfully skewed the results of Brusie the Space Dog's time-tested tradition. The dog both saw his shadow and didn't, according to a mole we have on board of the Space Station. So instead of heading to his Astro-inspired outdoor-space-treadmill as is his usual day to day, he slunk back into his dog house and went to sleep, a clear indication of muddled results. He has yet to stir since. This left authorities scrambling for an explanation, one that they came do just minutes ago. "There's a chance the dog is dead. But for now it's safe to say that we are both safe and on the brink of collapse," says NASA scientist Al Gorhythm. "From here on out, we'll just have to decide for ourselves like they did in olden times. The Space Dog program is officially put on hold until further notice." While this put many at ease, the question still remains: are we on the brink of total destruction an annihilation? Or is this just another hiccup in NASA's already bloated budget?

Many experts agree that putting the Space Dog program on hold would benefit the world more than it does in it's current state. PETA members couldn't agree more. "We're pissed that a dog is in space," said Sally Crazybitch. "No one ever asked him if he wanted to go to space, they just sent him there. Did they ever stop and think that maybe- just maybe- people deserve to go to space before animals?"

NASA official Bert Beeswax chimed in. "We did consider that, but if we would have asked him what he wanted, that wouldn't have really been alpha dog behavior on our part. He needs to know who's boss. ... Alpha Dog! Why didn't we think of that one earlier? HEY, TIM! WE SHOULD HAVE NAMED HIM ALPHA DOG!"

With that in mind, and until the world may or may not end, I'm Great Scott, reporting.

*He has 2 eyes, but only one of them work, hence the singularity.

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