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Monday, February 01, 2010

Coming To Terms With Your New-Years Resolutions

Now that February 1st has rolled around, many Americans can assess the work they have put in towards their new-years resolutions. The top goal of many singles is to get healthy and fit in the hopes that they may find a mate. This can often mean eating better, sleeping more, and exercising, so naturally many people choose to join a gym in the hopes that it will inspire them to make a change. But as the pounds of flab melt away, a shocking occurrence is overwhelming these masses: now that I'm skinny, I still can't get a date! And after weeks of polling, the answer couldn't be more clear. It's because you're ugly.

Shelia Jackson, of Marietta, Georgia couldn't agree more. "I've been so good. No sweets for a whole month. So far I've lost over 12 pounds, and it feels amazing. That is, it did, until I realized that it wasn't my weight keeping me from meeting a man, it was how ugly I was. Now I'm not even sure why I exercise. I'm much happier when I'm eating, and since I'm destined to be alone anyway, why not embrace that?"

Unfortunately, Shelia is not alone. The U.S. Census reports that numbers of uglies are on the rise. According to their most recent publication, over "3 percent of Americans realized they were ugly in the first month of 2010. This puts the national average somewhere near 88%."

Most people claim these numbers do not irk them, that they'll be sticking to their original new years resolutions regardless of how ugly it reminds them that they are. Joe Balfazar of Aurora, Illinois is one of those people. "Look at what that Carrot Top guy did. He was never over weight, just ugly. So he took the model that the world gave him and he said NO. I WILL NOT SOLELY BE KNOWN FOR HOW UGLY I AM. But what did it do for him in the end? He went and got all jacked and now look at him- he's a total freak show. And he's still single!"

While we here are inclined to agree, Carrot Top's agent said it best: "freak show would be a step up from the gigs he's booking now. He'll also do parties. For men or women. We also rent horses. ... Hello? Hello?"

One thing is certain in this new year, however. No matter what your goals may be, take time to come to terms with what you look like before you join a gym. You might save yourself a lot of time and money. And that can only mean one thing: plastic surgery! Yay!

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