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Thursday, January 28, 2010

RIP J.D. Salinger

Being illiterate, I have no idea who this guy was or what his impact was on society, so I decided we'd just wing it and hope we got something right.

J.D. Salinger, originally born Futenburg von Noostmeyer, was a quiet child. He loved colors and sounds, like most robots do. After years living in a fishbowl he decided he wanted to grow hands and be an artist. But then he decided that he liked art that contained little squiggly letter-looking things that when placed together in a certain order made other pieces of art called "words."

Salinger quickly took to his art form, creating words all over the place. Word sandwiches, word hats, word cars, and even word money. But not everyone like Salinger's wordiness. One man, in particular, hated them so much that he challenged Salinger to a knife fight. That man was Ghandi.

After losing an arm in that famous Ghandi-knife-fight, Salinger quit writing and took on the only profession he could possibly do from that point on: baseball catcher. Using the yet-to-be-born Jim Abbot as his inspiration, Salinger would catch a ball, drop the glove, pick the ball up from the glove on the ground and throw it back. Things went on like this for some time, until Salinger's arm grew so large that he didn't need to use a bat when he stepped to the plate to hit. That's how big his arm was. Think about it. That's a huge arm. Anyway, one day, while playing catcher for the great Dizzy Flatbottom, he caught a ball and threw it back. But Salinger didn't realize his strength, so the ball soared over Dizzy's head, over the infield, over the outfield, and into a field of rye that was growing behind the stadium. Because Salinger was black, and times were different, the team made him go get the ball and then threatened to not give him dinner. Salinger left the stadium and entered the field of rye where he was never seen or heard from again. That is, until 1951 when he published his autobiography, The Catcher in the Rye*.

Another fun thing to note: the internet is completely factual.

*while I realize that books are supposed to be underlined, Blogger has no underline function and I'm too lazy to look up the HTML.

1 comment:

Jason said...

Books are actually supposed to be all-caps'd.