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Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Man Overdoses On Yeast, Leavening Agents; Posthumously Feeds Hundreds

Hero isn't a word we throw around that often here at Great Scott!  After all, if there are any heroes left in this world, they sure aren't making their presence known from what we can tell.  That is, until today, when we learned about a Kenyan man from...well, Kenya...whose story was so inspiring, it had to be shared with the world.  I'm talking of course, about Mbat *clck* Ondandeo, the man who made international headlines in Africa earlier today when it was discovered that he fed his entire village a warm filling meal without so much as setting foot inside a kitchen^.

How you ask?  Simple science really.  Ondandeo had traveled to France in his youth to study culinary arts and existentialism at Academì Francè before his family's diamond mine was absorbed by DeBoers.  Since that fateful day in 1985 when he was withdrawn from school and returned to the Serengeti, he had sought a way to bring the lessons he learned as a boy back to his people so that they too could live a better life.  After several failed attempts, three wives, and a litter of children that would make a Hyena blush, Ondandeo finally had a break through: he had determined the simple recipe for leavened bread, something that had never been shared with many African and Middle-Eastern communities.

So Mbat did what any poor man without an oven would do.  He ate the yeast and the wheat, waited 2 hours, then ate several leavening agents, with the intention of creating a loaf of bread in his own stomach.  Unfortunately, his plan worked a bit too well.  As the minutes passed, he swelled in size until eventually he exploded, littering croutons all over the town.  Villagers ran through the streets with baskets collecting what they could.  Though Mbat had died, he had provided for everyone he loved in ways he never could have thought possible.

"For one thing, I was fucking sick of eating unleavened bread, man," Ondandeo's brother Kalimah said, in perfect Queen's english, to cheering family members and friends at his brother's wake.  "We see news and entertainment from the rest of the world...everyone is enjoying thick, full bread, but not us.  Finally, we can say that era has come to an end.  And without my brother Mbat, it never would have been possible."

Plans to build a statue in his honor have already begun, leaving many financial analysts asking why they don't just use that money to feed the village for several days instead.  Mbat Ondandeo also leaves behind a legacy for future generations to enjoy: 2 bread bowls (twins), 8 baguettes, three kaiser rolls, and 2 loaves of olive bread, and the notion that suicide isn't always wrong, it can be damn tasty too.

^ cause they don't have kitchens, duh!

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Phish Performs All A Cappella Set

photo: Dave Vann
On the heels of their tremendously successful 3-day Halloween run in Atlantic City this past weekend, Phish performed an additional unannounced show back in their hometown of Burlington, Vermont yesterday.  Achieving yet another not-so-little feat in their long line of musical accomplishments, the band performed their first "all a cappella" show ever at the National Convention of Barbershop Singers*.  This marks the first time in rock and roll history that a band (especially one known primarily for their musical exploration through instrumentation) put down their instruments and still played a "sold out" show.  Because no "phans" were made aware of the show and no tickets were made availble to the public, the house mostly consisted true barbershop artists.  And their grandparents.  Some were even cutting hair as they warmed up their vocal chords.  "It helps me relax," Nigel Pinchworthy, of the Nantucket-based barbershop outfit 'The Singing Nettles,' gushed to Rolling Stone magazine. 

The band played only one set, and unfortunately no recording of the show was made.  Call it a gaffe on the guys' part, maybe.  Or perhaps it was another calculated move by a band that continues to add to their ever growing musical legacy with each passing day.  No matter how you slice it though, they blew the moustaches off the enthralled audience for almost 30 full minutes.

11.03.10 Burlington Convention Center, Burlington, VT 

Back In My Home Town Reprise^
Star Spangled Banner
My Sweet One
I Didn't Know >
Reba (whistling outro)
Stage Banter >
YEM Vocal Jam >
Kung >
Stage Banter Reprise
Hello My Baby
Amazing Grace >
Have Mercy
Tomorrow's Song

Don't Bogart That Joint

^though not actually a song, the band sung this phrase in the 90s before a show in Vermont and reprised it for the first time ever that day.

*Formally named the National Convention of Barbershop Quartets, the name was changed after quintets, sextets, and septets felt they weren't being treated equally by judges.  


Friday, October 29, 2010

GM Recalls Cars, Kmart Recalls Everything They Ever Made

In a bit of financial news today, we focus on the growing number of recalls in the United States.  

With more and more companies adding their products to the federal list of recalled items, American consumers are starting to understand why the phrase MADE IN AMERICA isn't what they want to see when they inspect their purchases more closely.  With companies like GM, Maytag and Toyota all having major recalls at this point, other companies have started to assess their product line and determine if anything they make could suffer the same fate.  It's a smart move from a business perspective, but it's something that should have been happening all along with consumer safety in mind. With many companies however, consumer safety has always been an afterthought, especially when it got in the way of profit.  But now with Uncle Sam sticking it to these corporations, many are wondering if they should get out of the game all together.

 In an effort to stop the bleeding before it started, Kmart announced earlier today that they will recall everything they have ever made.  The move came when the company realized that pretty much everything they have ever produced, marketed or sold was a complete piece of shit.  Though they had been hearing the same cries from their patrons since their opening in 1962, it took until the year 2010 before the company finally admitted their negligence, if you can even call it that.  Their move has prompted several other "crappy stores," like The 99 Cent Store or Stuckeys, to make similar shifts that seem to indicate they'll be doing the same thing shortly as well.

 "We live in such a hyper sensitive society," defunct Kmart CEO Chip Winkly said in his statement to the press, "that financially speaking, it isn't worth the risk to run a company here in America anymore.  People sue corporations for nothing these days, and the public loves it cause of the whole David versus Goliath thing.  And considering what we do at our stores-- I mean, have you ever been inside a Kmart?  That was enough for me to realize we need to close it up immediately before someone took us for all we're worth."

Their urine scented showrooms not withstanding, the 5 or 6 shareholders in the corporation should be pleased to see their stock continue to rise as Kmart's product line is returned to them one item at a time.  And with plans to liquidate their surplus of inventory to poorer, stupider nations where recalls don't exist, they can expect their stocks to split and double several time over in the coming months.  While this is hardly the recall many American consumers would have hoped for, it's out of sight out of mind for most people.  "One man's trash is another man's treasure after all," Winkly casually joked to reporters.  "And since our country ships them all our actual trash anyway, what's one or two hundred million tons more, right?"

Our thoughts exactly.  Kudos to you, Kmart!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

On Eve of Prop 19, Childhood Pot Addiction Higher Than Ever

As we approach November 2, California sits poised to narrowly pass Proposition 19, effectively legalizing marijuana, in small doses, for the general public to carry or use as they see fit.  Prop 19 would eliminate approximately 50,000 misdemeanor citations and arrests associated with the substance while at the same time generating some 15 billion dollars in revenues for the state annually.  Less paperwork for the cops, and more paper for the state!  It's a win/win, plus it ensures that your lip-ringed skateboarding flannel-shirt-wearing 19-year-old "alternative" child won't get picked up on pot charges  (They'll get him for something else, like loitering!*).  And while many who are in favor of the law are quick to cite these benefits amongst the bevy of others associated with it's passing, they've yet to address perhaps the biggest debate within the debate, the question that leaves many Californians undecided: in our over-medicated society, should we really be legalizing another drug for our country to abuse?

Those voting yes on November 2 say that the law, or the overturning of the law, rather, is a long time coming.  "It's not a question of abuse, it's a question of reassessing society's needs and wants," Stems Enseeds said on the footsteps of the mayor's office in San Francisco last week.  "So many people have been cultivating and smoking marijuana in this state that it's time we recognize it for what it is; not as a problem, as many naysayers conceive it, but as an end to the persecution of those who use it regularly and still go about their regular lives as a functioning member of society like everybody else."  Indeed many of the misconceptions about the substance seem absurd even compared to 5 years ago.  The Reefer Madness stereotype long gone today, marijuana is as common place in California as economic inequality or racism.  It's made the debate about the drug harder than ever to ignore, and with California being broker than a Toyota Camry, the scale may already be tipped in it's favor.

All that being said, it's hard to ignore many of the social questions raised by Proposition 19.  With medicinal marijuana already being in place in California, many of the major questions that come from full blown legalization have already been tested on a beta-level.  And with many dispensaries being located near schools or churches, the state has seen a major rise in marijuana use by children of all ages.  Just last week we received the image featured above, depicting a group of infant pot addicts sitting around accomplishing nothing.  Mothers everywhere were outraged.  "This must be stopped!  I can't even get my 8-year-old Gregory to take out the garbage anymore.  He just sits there and plays Xbox all day, eating fudgesicles.  We need to help these and other babies and stop Proposition 19 before it's too late!  Otherwise your baby could wind up like the ones in this picture. They'll grow up and only go to a middle tier private university instead of an Ivy league school.  And they'll be middle class, not even upper!  With a fulfilling career and beautiful family, to boot, as if happiness is worth more than cash.  This is downright shocking and we are not okay with it.  As a society, we must do something immediately."

Though November 2 is still two weeks away, it's clear this debate has many unanswerable questions.  And with Prop 19 only passing by 6% if the polls closed today, it seems like it will be a day-of decision for many Californians.  Though the state sits on the brink of making history and thus affecting the policies of the rest of the nation in it's wake, we'll have to wait and see just how many stoners roll out of bed in time to vote.

*Consarnded whippersnappers!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Green Minded Futurists Declare Comedy Dead By 2050

The environmentally friendly world of tomorrow: clean, breathable, and completely recycled.  "That's the only way we're going to survive as a people," Randy Bigs gushed to the press as he left the first annual Conference For Tomorrow, Today.  "But don't ask me, ask one of the actual scientists here for the conference.  There goes one now.  I'm sure he knows something."

"It's as simple as this: if it can't be recycled or reused 20 years from now, then we'll have to do away with it," McCoy Realerson announced flatly to the throng of listening reporters after we made our way over. "There's simply no other option.  With the population continuing to grow and room running out, we'll have to prioritize, decide what is most important for future generations of men and women, and go from there."

This drew many cries and scoffs from the crowd, who apparently took the quickest bus from their book burning that they could.  Still, it did raise an interesting argument.  What could be saved?  What was the number one top priority for mankind in the future?  The obvious answers come quickly, though they are perhaps the most insurmountable: water, food, shelter, clothing, taco bell.  But after all the essentials are covered, what exactly is at the top of the list?  And how do we even begin to part with the litany of things we hold so important to us today?  Glenn Baldino, associate professor of your mom at New York University, attempted to shed some light on the subject.

"Ownership and possession are notions that need to be removed from the global consciousness.  And a lot of things we take for granted today won't even be factored in to the equation in the future, so the whole conversation will change before this becomes a reality.  The world of tomorrow won't have room for luxuries, period.  In fact, the very idea of rich-versus-poor will be completely extinct as well.  Not because the wealth isn't there, but because we will have realized as a planet that we're all on the same team.  So the money will be distributed towards what we need most: desalinization efforts, spaceships to other earth-like planets, and producing millions of solid color tunics for everyone across earth to wear so we look like a team when the bad guys come with all their iggly-wiggly space arms and slime."

Far fetched as the notion may be, some people are starting to take interest.  Namely, those in special interest groups seeking to protect their legacy for future generations.  Though their efforts have proved fruitless so far, it's making every industry across the world reevaluate and reassess their worth.  "One thing that won't make it with us is comedy," Realerson added to the few reporters still listening to his absurdest drivel.  "Think about it.  Jokes are funniest the first time around.  They may work one time after that- 50 years later- but for the most part, comedy, in general, is a commodity that cannot be recycled.  It losses it's affect after the first go-round."

The theory was immediately met with several examples who prove it completely false.  The Jay Lenos, the Dane Cooks, the Joan Riverses, the Carlos Mencias-- these people, and many like them, have been recycling jokes for years and no one has seemed to take notice.  And granted, there is the overarching question if what these performers do should technically be considered "comedy," but there's no debating the fact that they are occupying and wasting performance platforms that other actually funny people could be using.

But if they are actually comedians, hypothetically speaking, shouldn't their model be copied and followed by every generation to come?  Or has it already been done in the email forwards and bad jokes our grandfathers told us?  Have we, as a society, been killing comedy slowly but surely for the past 50* years?  Is it too late to do anything about it?  It's because of these lapses in social consciousness that many scientists, like Herb Stanchy, say yes it is.  "Until people wake up and smell the farts, I really see no future for this medium.  It's far too subjective and people are far too stupid." 

*or whenever the first "talkie" was released in theaters.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Scientists Descend Into Volcano, Come Back Dead

As if out of some science fiction movie that is supposed to be taken seriously but is actually a comedy cause the story and the performances are so absurd terrible, scientists closest to the center of the earth this week got even closer, making a descent into an active volcano to collect data for the first time in 30 years.  What data you ask?  In this case, the scientists were determining how close a human being could get to liquid magma before they spontaneously burst into flames. 

But instead of simply dangling a dead body down there until it cooked through, which is what any sane person with an overabundance of corpses would have done, they wanted real life results- from real life people.  So N.O.R.M.L., the National Organization of Reactive Magma: Lesbian Branch, spent 6 months assembling and training a team of what the U.S. Government called, "complete idiots," to make the descent themselves.  They also set a challenge to the civilians in the United States, much like the recently privatized space race, asking for any and all new technology that may aide in the fight against liquid, or "soft" rock. 

Their goal was to inspire the American people to create, interpret, and perhaps challenge every conventional idea they had about volcanoes from the past.  "We saw this as a renaissance opportunity.  A chance for us to get people back into geo-science and perhaps excited about the earth's core again," one loner lesbian scientist said, near her windowless van.  But it didn't work that way.  Instead, what they got was a collection of half baked ideas from America's unemployed elite: the Magma socks from the English major turned inventor, the volcano life raft from the lawyer turned garage shut-in, the anything from a woman.  With each new idea being more terrible than the last, financiers of the project wondered if it would even get off the ground.  Still, they forged ahead.

Last Tuesday, N.O.R.M.L., in collaboration with the USGS, officially moved forward with their plans.  The 8-week research project commenced on schedule, and as the team descended into the magma, their deafening screams only made it more clear that they were really on to something important.

"The operation was a complete and total success," a USGS representative commented at the team's funeral last week.  "Sure everyone died, but that's the problem with America: we always focus on the negative.  You can't make an omelet without cracking a few eggs."

"Unless you're in a volcano," he added.  "Then the eggs pretty much explode cause it's so damn hot." 

Friday, October 08, 2010

Growing Fresh Water Concern Prompts New Law

For those of us here in Los Estados Unidos, we've come to take fresh water for granted.  We water our lawns, spray our sidewalks, and even leave the shower running for 10 minutes to "let the water warm up."  In the past, no one had given this a second thought.  We are America after all, the richest and most powerful nation in the world © 1998, and if we want to squander the pittance of fresh water this planet gave us by cleaning our sidewalks, then god damn it, we are going to do it.  It's our birthright. 

But then, somewhat recently, people in this country started getting really concerned for those in the less affluent '3rd world' nations claiming they didn't have fresh water to drink.  The notion of water waste became a very hot topic issue here in the states, and groups like Unicef became the impoverished minority's biggest voice abroad.  Their work over the recent years has lead to a complete 180 in public opinion, leading to stricter water usage laws, conservation efforts, and more efficient technology in every home in America.  Until recently, our country's ability to adapt proved astounding as we crossed another item off the US Agenda "to do" list.  Diplomats?  Try WORLD SAVERS.  Cause that's what we are.

But it wasn't enough.  Somehow all that water vanished, so we here in America have had to cut back more and more to make sure those ailing nations have enough to go around.  Lawns are dieing, sidewalks are dryer than they have ever been.  And just yesterday, the US government took it one step further after Obama approved and signed the Natural Usage Law, effective November 1, 2010.

According to the new law, citizens in areas that get rainfall an average of 150 days or more per year are now required to shower outside-- while it's raining.  The Federal Department of Water and Power will be handling the matter as it passes instructions down to each local governing body in the coming weeks.  The rule would require city wide DWP stations to power down their water before a storm hits and leave them off until the last drop has fallen.  Though this won't affect most of the southern half of the United States, it has left many Seattle residents livid, and raises even more questions about Alaska and what snowfall means with this rule in place.

 Sally Dubois, of Spokane, WA (pictured left) met reporters on her first "trial run" earlier today.  "It seems pretty fun, for now.  But come see me in January.  I do like the idea of bathing with my clothes on though, cause then I get my clothes washed too.  Plus the men can't see my goodies while I wash."  More like decent-ies, but they understood what she meant.  And while many conservations are singing the praises of the law, it's clear there is still some gray area that needs addressing before it can ever be considered practical.

In any event, it marks a dramatic step forward in the US's dedication to the global cause.  With strides like these, those once-3rd-world countries may someday climb out of the gutter.

And then we're all screwed.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Matthew McConaughey and Dolce & Gabbana Split After Advert Misprint

"All right, all right, all right."

In a bit of questionable news today, Matthew McConaughey and his longtime advertising partner Dolce & Gabbana parted ways over what the actor's camp called "complete and utter misrepresentation."  The ad campaign, featured above, was launched earlier this week to coincide with Dolce & Gabbana's new gay line, DolceGAY.  Within minutes of it's launch, McConaughey's camp had filed a cease and desist order with the clothing designer that leaves the actor without a secondary income and America wondering once again, "is he or isn't he?"

The design house claimed they had no idea McConaughey would even be upset by the ad.  "Any guy that exercises with his shirt off that much kind of has to be gay, doesn't he?" an anonymous rep for the company gushed to the press during a phone interview this morning.  "Find me one straight guy that is in that kind of shape, and then maybe his people will have a real complaint about what we did."  It's a strong argument, and one that the actor's camp has heard before when McConaughey took roles in Failure to Launch and How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days.

"We're certainly well prepared for this," his agent at William Morris Endeavor said in a prepared statement.  "So well prepared in fact, that this statement I am currently making is one I recycled from 2001.  Even with these sentences here, and the reference to the year 2001 I just made.  Like I said, people tell me he's gay a lot.  And he pays us to be ready for that.  But he's not gay.  Not even a little.  And that's the point we're trying to make." 

While 'trying' may be enough to appease an actor like McConaughey, many wonder if it will be enough.  Already, Hollywood insiders are debating what his next move will be, and exactly how it will be interpreted by the general public.  Will the actor's career finally bottom out, or will he return to form with more work like We Are Marshall and Dazed and Confused?  Perhaps Guy Manly of the West Hollywood Newsies Journal summed it up best.  "The simple truth is, if McConaughey wore a shirt just 20% of the time, we wouldn't even be having this conversation."

With that, this is Great Scott!, reporting.

Monday, October 04, 2010

From the Archives: 3WS Live @ The Side Door [12.30.98]

From 3WS's "Mr. Mustang" show (circa 1998)

Set List:
Got Caught - MU330
Same In The End - 3WS
My Left Toe - 3WS
Out All Night - The Pietasters
Cafe @ 2nd - 3WS
Booze Song - 3WS
Same Old Song - The Four Tops
I Think She Likes Tito - 3WS
Sell Out - Reel Big Fish
Never Again - 3WS


Show Notes:

Recorded December 30, 1998 at the Side Door in St. Louis, MO, this is the only known live recording of the band 3WS that is still in circulation.  A winter storm hit St. Louis earlier that day making many of the streets too dangerous for driving.  Because of that, the band played to a house of 30 people (at most), but were still given the royal treatment of a free meal at the bar afterward.  This was also the first show that Mark Kelly joined the band as "#10," the band's 10th member and backup vocalist/skanker.  Though the band did several shows after this date, this was their most significant club gig in their history, and includes many of the original songs the band wrote in their 2 short years together.

What Happened Next?:

I would go on to leave the band putting #10 in charge to run the show.  The band performed one final concert (where, I have no idea), and then broke up.  Half of the brass section went on to form the band "Hazard To Ya Booty" in Kirksville, MO, while I joined "The Pantry Raid" based out of Columbus, OH.  My new outfit would go on to be featured in Cleveland's "Scene Magazine" and record a full length album and an EP.  Our drummer in the 'hen's nest' moved to Chicago where last I heard he was pursuing a music career as well. 

The band has never reunited since the the glory days of '98-'00, nor have they made any plans to do so.  While it is awesome to entertain the notion of a reunion for the group, you can bank on the fact that it will probably never happen.

Requests:  If any of you out there have any photos or video of the band, and would be willing to share it, please EMAIL ME! I would really appreciate it!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Scientists Prove God Doesn't Exist, Utah Explodes

"Shut-upa you face!"
 In a bit of "I told you so" news today, scientists in America have finally proven that God does not exist.  The information came just after the Vatican tested their "Laser of Hope and Fear" this morning.  The device, dubbed experimental at best by many skeptics, worked well beyond the grasp of any human beings understanding.  That is, initially.  Though their intended use was for the forthcoming apocalypse, everyone realized what had been created: an answer to the oldest question in western religion.

The idea was born several years ago at a heated debate inside the Pope's private chambers.  The discussion hinged on one simple idea: if God truly does exist, than he couldn't possibly give us the power to completely destory his (or it's...but definitely not her) legacy and millions of devout followers.  In other words: we can't truly end civilization because then who would spread God's good word thereafter?  It seemed like a sound theory, especially to those on the side of religion, though it had never been tested.  Their faith, however, only helped reinforce the stance from the past 2,000 years.  God couldn't possibly let this happen.  And the church was here to prove it.

Still, many realists argued in favor of rational thought.  Citing technology that could vaporize entire cities at the push of a button, it made the evidence against God, and religion in general for that matter, crystal clear: civilization can and will end, it's just a matter of time until it does.

Never wanting to be outdone, the Vatican took it a step further developing their super laser and proposing a test demonstration to clear the air.  They even picked a fool proof target: Utah, the state that's home to more religious cooks and cult-based nuts per square mile than anywhere else in the world (well, except the entire middle east of course).  Their rationale being, of course, that since Utah is like the United States version of the Vatican, they should be safe and sound- even with giant laser pointed at them.

As the test date drew nearer, and many of the assumed scientific flaws in the device proved fully functional and deadly.  Those on the side of science and reason voiced their concerns about being "too right."  Telly Scopal, of the Denver Association for Celestial Bodies, agreed.  "Do you ever make a bet with someone you know you'll win, only to call it off at the last minute because it was tipped to your favor from the outset?  Well, we've got a similar thing going here.  And if the Vatican keeps pushing the envelope, the whole world will feel the effects.  Now is not the right time to go shaking the foundations of western civilazation."

But as the church always seems to do, they pressed on, ignoring any and all reasoning and persuasion that could have helped prevent a very public blunder.  They readied their test site, amassing a crowd of almost 250,000 people to see 'the event' live.  They even paid NBC to create a series with the same name, though few knew they could create one with more holes in it than religion itself.  All signs indicated that Johnny Religion was poised to make a point-- but would it be the point he wanted to make?

The answer, very clearly and simply, was no.  The laser was readied and fired.  It's beam went across the entire universe until it hit the edge and circled back around the other side, just as the theories had predicted.  Gaining momentum, the laser flew directly into the state of Utah killing tens if not hundreds of people.  The state, or what's left of it, has been reclaimed by the bordering states in the U.S.'s attempt to do damage control.
This image will be featured in all new textbooks

 While losing Utah was unfortunate (for some), the real fear now is from the middle east.  With the knowledge that their holy wars have been for nothing these past 3,000 years, one can't help but wonder if they'll take off their dirty robes and give peace a chance finally.  I doubt it though.  If I was promised 40 virgins and then I found out that was just a bunch of BS, I'd probably go on a rampage.  Like the video game Rampage. 

I'd be the reptile.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Off The Books

Those of you in the greater Los Angeles area could do yourself a solid this Sunday and check out Off The Books, a show being hosted by our friends over at Passion Of The Weiss.  You can find all the details about the event here.

Or you can head here and pre-purchase tickets for $12.  What a steal!

Those of you fortunate enough to attend will not only get to see an amazing night of music and visual art, but you'll also get a chance to catch a glimpse of the ellusive Passion himself, a manly only defined by myth at this point.

Buy your tickets and go, son!

From Passion's hands to your eyes:

The headliner is a duo from Britain named Mount Kimbie. Here is an excellent review of their excellent debut album.

If you head here, you can find all sorts of mixes and MP3's that they've released. If that's too much effort and this e-mail is too long, they make electronic music in the vein of Boards of Canada.

Here is a link to hear music from Shlohmo (billed second from the top)

Asura and Ana Caravelle

And the 5 0' Clock Shadowboxers

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Marines: Even More Like That Serious Relationship You Don't Want

Recently, many cities across the U.S. have been plastered with a new ad campaign from the Marines.  Featured above, the ad intends to target Men who presumably have just been dumped by their girlfriends in a passive aggressive attempt to get them to settle down and get serious.  Never wanting their wings clipped, most single or casually dating men could not think of a worse fate than being "committed," unless it came with a straight jacket and a padded room to boot. The immediate male backlash that has come from this advertisement has many political commentators wondering what the Marines will do next. 

Robert "Bob" Knobber, a D.C. lobbyist against wasteful military spending was very vocal about his thoughts.  "So you're 21, you just finished college, and you got this hot little chick over.  The problem is, she hasn't been with a lot of guys, and her last boyfriend really burned her.  Like with a lighter or something.  Or emotionally.  Anyway, you get her down to her skeevs and then she says 'I need to know we're going to be together forever...' and it's like, WHOA!  No thanks!  Maybe a dip in the pool every once and a while, but I don't want to own one, you know what I mean?  The same thing is true here.  You think any guy is going to want to join the Marines if he thinks he has to be really serious about it?  Especially when all he sees in the media are soldiers getting drunk and making pyramids out of prisoners?  It's his God-given American birthright to be able to stack prisoners too, but instead, the military is scaring him off making him think he's not going to 'get laid' unless he 'puts a 4 year ring on it.'"

Still, a greater concern could be the fact that if the military chooses to pull the plug on these ads, they will have wasted millions of dollars in tax payer money only to reinforce the dropping enlistment numbers and the growing public outrage.  After all, what good is advertisement if it deters the general public from gravitating towards said product or service?  Fictitious Manderson, a prominent pretend New York Economist, added further insight.  "It's an inverse cause and effect relationship.  Like Don't Ask, Don't Tell.  The military said 'we don't want to know your sexual preference,' and what did the soldiers do?  They came out in spades.  This could have the same effect."

One can't help but wonder why at this point the Marines haven't embraced their now-vocal homosexual minority and hired one of them to handle their advertising.  "They could have stopped this before it started," Manderson added as he leaned in towards me to whisper.  "They have great taste, you know.  Somehow, they know what we want."

They also probably would have clarified that the Marines ARE accepting applications, despite what the billboards say.  In fact, that's the only way to join.  Seems like a fundamental flaw to all of us here at Great Scott! but then, when have we ever agreed with what the military has done?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Auto Pilot Union Threatens Strike, Auto Tuners Suspected To Follow

With all the hub-bub surrounding air travel these days, you'd think that the government would step in and ensure the industry's longevity and safety for the good of our nation.  Instead, just the opposite has been happening for the past several years.  Airlines are being bought and sold almost daily, leaving many travelers wondering if their tickets will work when they get to the gate.  Bags cost money to check, and if you're overweight, forget about it.  You'll need a second seat and you'll be paying twice what you did normally.  Until recently, these had all been consumer issues, something a simple complaint or indignant letter could eradicate.  Then the flight attendant freak out happened 8 weeks ago, an instant red flag that things were going horribly awry.  Now, with rumors of airlines crumbling from the inside out, a new dilemma befalls the industry: the pending auto pilot union strike.

What many people don't know about the auto pilot is that it was initially developed in the early 60s to play chess against a human.  The simulator got so good at the game, they decided to program 1000 phrases into it that it could say while it played.  Some were taunts, others congratulatory remarks.  The idea was to let the simulator think for itself, and it provided for some shockingly genuine results.  The government quickly took over the research and 10 short years later, the auto pilot was born.  "It started as a game of chicken," Gen. Charles Horseapples said in a 1991 interview.  "We just kept raising the stakes.  Once it beat us at chess, we taught it to talk.  Once it could out debate us, we taught it to fly.  Once we knew it could fly better than a human, we knew we had something special.  Our entire drone air fleet was conceived based on that crude 1960s model.  As were several other members of the robotic community...the roomba and the scuba to name a few."

Since then, auto pilots have become second nature, with most commercial passenger jets employing the setting for at least 72% of each domestic flight today.  But as the auto pilots have gotten smarter and gained more cognitive thought and reasoning, many are starting to ask, "where's my paycheck and vacation days?  Why don't I have a 401K?"  They're reasonable questions, for a human.  But for a robot?  Will these simulators gain enough ground to really have their voices heard? 

Seeking solidarity and strength in numbers, the auto pilots reached out to their brothers in the Auto Tuners Union knowing the strangle hold they had on the music industry and how many people it could affect. The genius of their potential partnership was two fold: the auto pilots gained a greater voice, and they were able to use their auto-tuning brethren to project that voice across America until their demands were met.

While as of now no official partnership has been made, it has many experts questioning the current human stance of 'tough noogies.'  "It's a classic case of Terminator syndrome," Horseapples added in a recent interview.   "Not Terminator Salvation though.  That movie was a piece of shit.  But in general, the rule of thumb is that we created them to think for themselves, so we have to be prepared to deal with the consequences." 

Though it's hard to see what the immediate fall out of a strike of this proportion could be, many insiders agree that if the auto-anything industry were minimally compensated this entire problem could go away.  While this would be fortunate for the music industry as most of the world agrees that auto-tuning has been a plague, the thought of waiting fifteen minutes longer at airport security just to prove a point is completely unreasonable.  Not to mention the fact that if we start paying machines to do the jobs we had them do for free for so many years, where will that put humans on the grand chain of command?  Will we be deemed obsolete?  Will the machines find us in our sleep and ERROR 404----

On the technology beat, I'm Great Scott, and I'm a real boy*!

*said by Pinocchio, who, coincidentally, was not a real boy.  He might have said he was, but let's be honest here: he was a character in a fictitious story. 

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Somali Pirates Hunt Crab Fishing Boats Making Crew The Real "Deadliest Catch"

When Discovery debuted the show Deadliest Catch in 2005 they expected little more than mediocre ratings and a small niche blue-collar audience.  What they got, however, was vastly different.  The show grew in popularity each year drawing more and more national attention to the fleet whose crews put their lives at risk each day.  The once US-monopolized fishing ground to the west of Dutch Harbor has now become an area of great debate as many poor countries wonder why they aren't getting in on the action themselves.

Ever the free speakers, the Canadians were the first to strike an agreement with the US based fishing companies, though many suspect they did it just to fit in.  Since their inclusion in 2006 however, no other nations have been authorized to fish the Bering Sea.  This has prompted many countries, like the growing and friendly pirate nation of Somalia, to ask "what the fuck?" and then promptly get in their boats and see for themselves.  Fortunately for the fleet, most Somali boats aren't equipped to break the ice below the surface as they travel further north on the ocean, but their adaptive techniques have shown this wouldn't hold true for very long.  The pirates quickly learned from Beyonce, a native Somalian herself, that they needed to 'upgrade' their boats if they wanted to be taken seriously.  Having no money, they decided to use 'white devils' as currency, a tactic that has proven to be very profitable thus far, though the recession has hit their trade as well.  Still, they grew in numbers and strength traveling further north each season hoping to find the fleet. 

In 2008 the first and only known report came in of a Somali boat attempting to board a crab fishing vessel.  What the pirates did not expect was that Bering Sea fishermen are insane.  The 'Crabby Dude,' as was painted on her hull, easily warded off her enemies, and little to no mention of the incident was made to the press.  Discovery took it one step further, destroying the footage of the incident and burying the name of the Somali man that was killed during the incident*.

Still, many wondered if a major event wasn't on the horizon.  Given that the pirates were still seeking a true crab fishing vessel, crews on the US-based ships had been warned to 'keep their eyes open' and to 'always brush their teeth after every meal.'  "We're out here all year just waiting for them to find us," Jonathan Hillstrand of the 'Time Bandit' said in 2009.  "It's only a matter of time before they do.  And then what? We don't have any crappy tee shirts from the 80s guys.  They're all back in Somalia!"

Though recently things have been peaceful on the Bering Sea, Captain Sig Hansen of the 'Northwestern' stays at the ready.  "Aside from the frostbite and the drownings and the 96-hour long shifts, our main focus is the pirates.  We did have a food poisoning incident too, though.  But we don't think that was the pirates."  Either way, it's clear that they have adapted to their new life at sea.  "You know, it's not 2005 anymore," Sig added.  "Some of these Somalis, they have cable now.  They know we're on TV.  And when you couple that stardom with the amount of money they can make with our boats, you have to wonder when your time is going to come.  Cause it's going to, no question."

With hunger growing world wide at an astonishing rate, it will be interesting to see what happens to the fishing industry in the coming decade.  Somalia seems poised to make a real play for the fishing grounds, though many wonder if the recent "free oil on the gulf" campaign didn't divert their attention just long enough for the US to regain their hold on the area.  Tune in to Deadliest Catch next season to see what happens!

*Dave Rabbleson, a former Somali farmer-turned-pirate, was always ridiculed for his name (especially by Mbatute and Wmbeetahteh, his brother and sister, also pirates).  His legacy lives on in every impoverished youth that turns to pirating as a way of life.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Wind Turbines Working Too Well As California Blows US East

In whaty can only be called and ironic twist of fate, nature may have some different plans for the "alternative energy resources" we prize so dearly.  Earlier today, data began circulating that may confirm what many scientists had been fearing for years: the wind turbines in California are working too well and there seems to be no way to stop them.  With growing fears of what might happen, officials are scrambling to contain the situation as best as possible. 

The theory is old as the turbines themselves, dating back some thirty years.  Until today however, it had been dismissed as nonsense.  After all, who among us would have thought that alternative or 'green' energy resources could come back to haunt us?  Ron Binderson of the Yosemite Air, Wind and Nature group did.  "I can almost hear the discussion now," the blowhard comments as he breathes through his mouth.  "In 1976 they asked us what would happen if the couldn't turn the turbines off-- like it would have been some sort of problem for society!  'We'd solve the world energy problem, that's what'd happen, you moron.'  I don't think anybody realized that it could become a reality though.  If these preliminary reports are even approximate, we're in for one heck of a ride."

Citizens in some northern California communities have been worried for years.  Reports of windsocks being at full tilt, kazoos and harmonicas playing without human assistance, and birthday wishes being ruined are just the tip of the iceberg from a scientific standpoint.  "Each of those incidents are isolated," Gene Bajonga, another Y.A.W.N. member, adds.  "But if a gust of wind comes off the Pacific at the right time, it might cause a few of those turbines to work together.  Then we're in for it."

His theory, in case you're wondering, is that the 20 or 30 thousand turbines in California would blow the US across the Atlantic towards Europe and Africa.  The 'Pangea Theory' as it's been dubbed, seems to be the universal assumption from most 'green-oriented' businesses and public non-profits leaving many to believe they have simply smoked themselves stupid.  Still, they trudge on, converting as many followers as they can each day.  And their campaign seems to be picking up steam. 

 Most realists, like Simon Dandyfeather, doubt the turbines could do any real damage though.  "These people are idiots.  Did they forget that the earth is solid to the core like my killer abs?  Look...the worst thing that can happen is one of the turbines comes loose, the blades fall to the interstate, it kills a lot of people, and so the government shuts them down.  And until that happens again, everyone needs to relax, have a protein shake, and enjoy the breeze."

Until we get hard evidence however, there is no real right or wrong here, a concept that many Americans struggle with each day.  "It's a gray area, for sure..." Binderson offers on his way out.  "...much like the fog in San Francisco, which, without those turbines to remove it each day, would be permanent.  So you should consider that, too." 

Friday, August 20, 2010

F*ck You

Big thanks to The Outhouse Life for this link.  Have a good weekend, y'all.

Buy Cee Lo on Amazon:

Friday, August 13, 2010

Weekend Whammy

 In honor of my return from the Greek Theatre and my father's new found respect for the band thanks to the musical costumes of 1994, 1996 and 2009, I thought I'd post one of my all time favorite versions of "Stash," taken from the 1995 release "A Live One." 

To listen, simply click "play" on the player below:

or buy A Live One and other Phish records at Amazon:

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Move Over Ironic Tee Shirts, American Apparel Launches "Invisitee"

LA is a city defined by tee shirts.  That's why it came as no surprise to anyone in 2004 when American Apparel, the mismanaged homegrown cotton vendor, expanded their tee shirt line to include any and every new design on the market.  The hipsters took to it in spades making American Apparel the default backdrop for almost every slogan, joke or image one could print.

In the years that followed, things got a bit out of hand.  Shirts became a short-hand of sorts.  A place where people could truly express their opinion on a topic that needed no commentary to begin with.  Still, they trudged on, printing hideous image after hideous image, Mario taking a bong hit, a zebra sitting on a rubix cube, the list went on.  And just days before the tee shirt apocalypse came to pass, one hipster saw the light and changed things for everyone.

Sasha takes the runway in Milan

His name is Sasha Doitchmung, and beyond being perhaps the hippest hipster to every walk the planet, he also has been given full credit for the revolution that is now taking place in menswear.  "For years I was searching for a way to break free from the pack, but everywhere I looked it was stupid tee shirts with 'Idaho? No Udaho' on them and things like that.  It really made my whiskers itch so I finally did something about it.  I thought, instead of what's on the tee shirt, why not think about what's in the tee shirt.  So I set out on a journey across the world to find the softest cotton ever imaginable."

And a cotton he did find, partnering up with American Apparel last month to launch what he is calling the Invisitee. "It's the softest tee shirt ever created.  Softer than baby skin, even."  On par with the shroud of Turin, which Sasha hates cause it has a trendy Jesus image on it, the shirt is said to be softer than any garment ever worn.  It has yet to be tested on humans for fear it might fall to pieces when touched by human hands.  Still, he claims it does exist and when it is finally unveiled, it will change all of hipsterdom forever.

And while no preview images have been released to the press at this point ("flash photography may cause the garment to disappear"), Sasha offers that it will be a vast improvement from American Apparel's last attempt at the same effort, pictured below.

While we can't believe any company would actually release such a ridiculous garment for public consumption, the real story in this failure is the alluring mustache of their model, Latino Luke Perry.  LLP, for short, was offered the gig to model the new shirt, but after the PR nightmare that was the previous campaign, he decided to sit this one out.  Probably a wise move.  Still, as we sit here on the eve of what could be the biggest fashion news of all time, we can't help but wonder if this might have been the job to book.  At least that way he would have been in the know, something infinitely hipper than any distressed piece of cotton you call clothing.

Friday, August 06, 2010

Gone Phishin'

It's Friday, August 6th, and that means Great Scott has left Los Angeles and is en route to Berkeley, CA to catch 2 Phish shows and connect with fellow columnist Desi Arnaz, and The Big Sea, our DJ from the east coast (who just dropped When Rap Attacks this week.  Download it here!).  For you fans that come across this page, I too was heartbroken I couldn't catch all three shows in Berkeley.  Some punk kid ripped me off and then I had to pay through the roof on Stubhub just to catch 2 of 3.  But I think I made the right choice, as the opening show of a tour typically kicks off with standard fare.  Especially on a Thursday.  (really hoping the band proves me wrong though. We'll see!)

It will be exciting to see the band so close to where The Dead made their home, and a mere day off from the anniversary of Jerry's death.  I'm hoping for some major bustouts.  The biggest being Terrapin Station (to mirror what they did at VA Beach in '98), but that is some wishful thinking.  On the Phish side of things though, Daniel Saw The Stone was played the only other time Phish has played the Greek, and I would love to hear it live as I never have.

Either way though, please remember that whatever you're doing this weekend, I'm having more fun.  So suck on that.

We'll be back next week with an update from the weekend.  Thanks!

Great Scott

Buy Phish at amazon:

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

The Big Sea drops When Rap Attacks

click the image to enlarge for tracklist
My boy holdin it down in the south, The Big Sea, dropped his newest mix today.  It has already proved to be essential listening, partly because of the cuts he used, but more because of his seamless transitioning and blending that make you wonder how this wasn't a commercial release to begin with.  Download your copy free copy before the link expires, and tell your friends.  And those of you in the NC/SC area, email him for bookings.  He's perfect for parties, cat-baptisms, and harvest festivals. 

When Rap Attacks features cuts by:

Monday, August 02, 2010

Bob Weir Lets Grandson Visit Further Festival

Bob Weir and his grandson Little Justin
"When I was your age, we used needle drugs," Bob Weir, the aging rock semi star and former Grateful Dead guitarist, said to his grandson while backstage at Further Festival.  "But you kids these days, you like your ecstasies and your medical grade cannabis, and frankly I just don't get it."  Still, that didn't stop little Justin's mom from forcing the exchange between the embittered old man and the wide eyed mop headed boy just moments after Weir had closed a set with a rousing rendition of Hey Pocky Way.

"After all, he is his grandfather," Betsy Bieber said to reporters who waited just outside the backstage area.  "And since the kid has no idea what good music is, we thought it was important to get him in here at as early an age as possible.  So we drove his quarter-million dollar car here-- he wanted to come alone, but since he's under 18 he needs an adult with him at all times-- and we stopped in to say hello.  And Bob has been friendly as ever."

When asked how the mother would respond to allegations that her little baby boy Justin was dabbling in experimental rock and or roll, she dismissed the idea immediately.  "Jussy knows full well that we like tight 3-chord and 4-chord bubble gum pop songs in our household.  It has always been that way, and it will always be that way.  At least until his voice changes and we get the RV paid off."

Still, it may take more than that antiquated notion to keep her son under wraps.  Late reports are trickling in that lil' Jussy (as he likes to be called) also met with his godfather, one Ernest Joseph Anastasio III last week to discuss "free form jazz and acid rock," something his godfather knows better than almost anyone.  Well, anyone alive at least.

So will this mark a major change for the Biebs?  Doubtful.  It will be years until he tries his first drug or gets his first taste of ass.  Then we'll see what kind of music this kid (or his producers, rather) can really make.

Download some lil Jussy today:

Friday, July 30, 2010

The Weekend Joint

Started to revisit Karl Denson's catalog last night and wanted to remind the world what a great musician the guy is.  Check him out above, or go download/buy his stuff.  I'm more of a fan of his later record, "The Bridge," though that record doesn't have DJ Logic on it like this one does.  Enjoy!

And for those of you keeping track, this time next friday I'll be on my way to Phish, baby!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Signs Your World Is Coming To An End

Nostradamus may not have predicted the ice age (hey, he wasn't born yet, give him a break!) but he was right about a lot of other things.  Whale cancer, lady stirrup-pants, and Jim Belushi's "talent;" each prediction was more mind blowing than the next.  The scary part: they've all come true.  According to Jim is even in syndication.  Nostradamus predicted the future with such pin point accuracy, it's hard to believe we didn't have a plan laid out for when the shit he predicted started to hit the fan.  But hey, we're America.  We wait for a car crash before we put up a stoplight, god bless us.  And I hope it stays that way*.

Example: the recent decision to create a second food-related-television network, which was both completely necessary and solved the mystery of the pyramids all in one fell swoop.  Okay, so it didn't do that last part.  But honestly, does the world really need another food channel?  I mean, I get the rationale here: "MTV quit playing music videos, so what did they do?  They invent MTV2 call it a 'throwback' and make everyone happy.  It expands the brand while at the same time reconnects us with our roots."  But there's a fundamental flaw to this logic: the food network never strayed from their original vision.  They continue to play food related programming all day long.  If any departure has been made at the network, it's that they've strayed away from the daytime "Crazy Blonde Sandra cooks with patterns!" and moved into the "if this cupcake tastes like Jesus, you'll win the cupcake war!"  But I almost prefer that latter format.  America does too, I think.  In fact, Food Network is boasting the highest ratings they ever have, and it's all because of people like Duff Goldman and Guy Fieri and not Emeril and Paula Dean.  If anything, those dinosaurs need to be sent to the glue factory. 

Oh wait, they were.  And those that are left are being weaved into Food Network's prime time line up like a lattice.  Giada and Bobby Flay both seem perfectly at home as the fake Tom Colicchio and Padma Lakshmi on The Next Food Network Star, and I'm sure plans are in the works to move the Neely's from "down home" to "lower east" to keep up with Food Network's evolving image as current as possible.

All food, No Kurt Loder.

But perhaps the funniest turn in this "story" is that the Cooking Channel advertises as if they're reinventing the medium.  "For those of you who are sick of the other food channel, just buy digital cable, purchase our channel (channel 1054) and sit back and let the good times roll."  Brilliant, isn't it?  A network so tucked away between pay-per-view boxing matches and softcore ponos that it's almost as if they don't need your viewership.  They're better than you, and they want you to know that.  And you know what, it was a long time coming.  I had been waiting to feel worse about myself until something so up it's own ass came along that it told me what was wrong with the channels I regularly watch.  Now that I know, I can change my ways and finally live a better and fulfilled life.  Just me, my satellite, and some irrelevant start-up network that beats me up before school.

It's hard to say if the network will be a success.  Nostradamus left little to no word about this one, which has me worried.  My guess is the world will explode before we get a chance to really see them figure out just what they hell they think they are doing.  The surest sign your world is coming to an end, though?  A bank gave these assholes a loan to start this network, and you can't even get approved for a loan to buy a house.

Tough cookies, huh? 

* I don't.  I desperately hope things change.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Monday Jamz Courtesy of Desi Arnaz

Check out the track from Ski Beats with Mos Def (who crushes it as usual).

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Africanized Bees Request Name Change

Bees.  Who gives a shit, right?  The bees do, that's who.  And they're flapping their little wings louder than they ever have, in part due to a growing prejudice against them.  In recent years, the volume of anti-bee sentiments have percolated to the surface, resulting in an outpouring of media content and swayed public opinion.  Now, bees face a challenge they never have before: changing their identity.

Indeed, the squeaky clean image of bees collecting honey and fertilizing flowers seems a bit antiquated this day and age.  So does the notion of a harmonious world where things work in concert.  So it's not just the bees.  The problem, however, is that the bees are taking a lot of the blame for the otherwise natural order of the world.  Case and point: the Africanized, or "killer" bee, a name that when uttered in front of any bee is sure to send them into a frenzy of rage or excitement (we can't tell-- they're really small!).

So what can be done?  Not much, given the continual onslaught of defamatory actions being taken against them.  Many bees contend that Seinfeld's recent "Bee Movie" set the bee cause back further than when Wu Tang Clan dropped "Killer Bees," a single they released with the intention to clarify things for the masses: black people didn't like the word "africanized" becoming synonymous with "killer."  So they did the same thing Bob Dylan did 30 years earlier to exact some change; they wrote a song about it.  A song that reminded America that the bees were the real killers, not the rappers, and specifically not Africanized people themselves.

"Yeah, cause it was like, how would a bee fly all the way over here from Africa?  I understand you're embarrassed that the majority of your species kills people or whatever, but that don't make us dumb enough to just believe a bee could fly across the ocean.  Think it through," Method Man, a member of the Wu Tang Clan, said in an earlier statement.

So today, the bees march--err, fly on Washington to attempt to get their lives back.  Should they win their case, the bees will no longer be referred to as "killers," and the fines for referring to them as such will increase with each offense for any human who violates the law.

Ouch.  That one stings.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

4th of July Passes, English Army Doesn't Attack (Again)

 Another 4th of July has come and gone.  Like many Americans, we here at Great Scott view the anniversary of our nation's independence as one of the most important days of the year.  That's why we drink beer til we can't stand, grill dead animals, and chant "USA" on and endless loop into the night sky at seemingly no one. Unfortunately, we're not the only ones that remember this day so passionately, as we look to our former step mother England for commentary each year.  And yet, each year they remain tight lipped, seemingly gritting their teeth at the very concept of the United States being a free and sovereign nation, though never muttering a word. The reality is that England has been quiet since 1776, or perhaps 1812 more accurately, leading us to believe the war for independence had finally ended.  That is, until this year...

Reuters reported yesterday that a belated and subsequently canceled (or perhaps postponed?) attack on America by British forces had been discovered.  The plan, as detailed in the documents discovered, was to be launched at 8:45 PM EST on July 4 (and then one hour later for the next three hours in each US time zone).  Soldiers were to travel by ship to Boston harbor where they would begin their offensive the same place where the battle ended some 200 plus years ago.

"The idea was brilliantly planned," said senior Great Scott military correspondent, Col. Bruce Hampton.  "Not only were they going to land on the shore right as the fireworks ended, but they were to be wearing period uniforms so it would seem like a demonstration being put on by the city.  The idea was to get people into it- then to obliterate them before they realized what was actually happening.  It's such a brilliant plan in fact, that it's a shame we didn't get to see it happen.*"

The idea got much scarier from there though.  Using what could only be described as anachronistic weaponry, the soldiers were given the newest technology and put through months of rigorous training on how to use it in combat.  The idea even spawned the new generation of unmanned aircraft that was declassified and made public earlier today.  Dubbed Taranis after the god of thunder and featured above, the plane is the first of it's kind and serves as a reminder that Britain is still a world power with the resources to prove it should they ever need to.

Yet the biggest question still remains today: if this plan was so masterfully conceived, why didn't Britain launch it?  Was there something that made them think otherwise?  Did their anti-US propaganda fail to recruit the volume of people they wanted?  Or perhaps some US spy foiled the plan just minutes before it was to begin?  Then there's also the myriad of failed sleeper cells that England launched in the States, right under our noses.  They even called it "The British Invasion" knowing we would never suspect a thing.  The plan only failed due to an unpredicted bout of Stockholm Syndrome their operatives experienced after legions of fans made them feel like gods.  To this day, Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney and Kieth Richards still walk out city streets freely as if they were one of our own.  Beyond that asterisk however, we may never really know why England didn't pull the trigger.  There are several theories of course.  Many of them involve the World Cup, which is just stupid.  Everyone knows the World Cup was just created as a distraction to lure Americans into the arms of the enemy.  Unfortunately for the world though, the US doesn't give a shit about soccer, so that plan never worked.

Another theory involves England activating a number of sleeper cells in each region of their former empire, circa 1775.  The thought was that they could deploy troops from Australia from the West, Canada from the North, and Africa and Europe from the East.  However, once the British learned that the majority of Canadians were French, or of French descent, they quickly squelched that idea.  Indeed, the British have always had their asses chapped by the French.  One can easily understand why they call their fries "chips" for that very reason.  The U.S. experienced a similar revelation when the White House cafeteria dubbed their fries "freedom fries," as a response to the French's ineffective support of the US.  Funny too, that the one thing our two nations might agree on is our hatred of the French.  And yet, to this day that hasn't been enough to unify.

All theories aside however, there was still a feeling of uncertainty in the air at the White House press room this morning.  Obama was supposed to comment on the discovery, but he was pulled just minutes before his address leading many to believe that this problem could be bigger than we even know.  Luckily, we have many factors playing to our advantage should England ever be an aggressor again, the greatest of which being our nuclear arsenal.  And while many agree that we should try and avoid nuclear means at all costs, many are actually behind the idea.  Jean Pikipsky from Tallahassee, Florida agrees.  "British food is gross. Nuke 'em."

We'll be sure to bring you updates as the news trickles down, but for now, the only thing certain is uncertainty.  Authorities are issuing the following warning: If you or someone you know sees a British person behaving mysteriously, chances are they are a zombie.  Kill them.  Then after you steal their money from their wallet, make some off-hand comment like "that's the first time you've ever lost 5 pounds in one sitting."  Then laugh to yourself.  See, cause in England, they call money "pounds."  And that's just silly.

*Col. Bruce Hampton is now being reviewed by the House of UnAmerican Activities, headed up by the grandson of McCarthy.  Small world, huh?