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Sunday, August 16, 2009

David After Dentist or Letters to my Father

Always a purveyor of all things internet that may or may not be funny, it's hard to ignore the youtube smash "David After Dentist." In case you're unaware, or just feel like skipping the video, David went to the dentist. The dentist gave him drugs. David tripped. His father caught it all on video and then posted it on youtube.

I feel kind of bad for the little guy, however. I'm sure David had no say as to whether or not he wanted this video posted online. Furthermore, even if he did, he;s only 7 years old, thus he still needs his father to tell him what's right and wrong. In this case, his father needs to be aware that he is exploiting his child in the worst way possible (hell, they're even selling tee shirts now) by posting a very private moment of his child's life for 27 million viewers to see.

I often wonder how David will react in the coming years. Luckily, we here at Great Scott are in possession of a time machine, and were able to dig up the late David's journal entries from the future in a segment we like to call "Letters to My Father."

June, 2001
Age: 1

I was born today. Not sure what to expect so far. Everyone seems cool. The breast milk is decent, especially compared to that mexican lady. A man claiming to be my father isn't holding me, he's just shooting video. Weird. I guess the doctor is my dad then, cause this guy with the camera only seems to care about himself. I hope that's not an emerging trend.

June, 2008
Age: 7

I went to the dentist today. They said it was just a check up, but then I woke up in your van and had no recollection of the last 4 hours. Mom said that's how she met you too. I'm not even sure I know what recollection means though, cause I'm only 7. Farts are funny.

June, 2009
Age: 8

My silly video has been seen by everyone! I love it and I love you! Everyone knows who I am and can't help but laugh when I remind them where they know me from. Being famous is awesome. Maybe I'll be wildly successful since you've already got my face and name out there creating a buzz.

June, 2016
Age: 15

I'm finally beginning to understand why this video is so popular. I was on drugs, and was out of my head. I had no control over what I was saying either. So I understand why people find it amusing. But to be reminded of it every single day by the guys at school, my teachers, and even Coach Pendleton...well, it's getting a little old. Don't you think it's time we maybe took it down?

June, 2023
Age: 22

Can you please pull that fucking video from your youtube account or am I going to have to wait until you're dead? Honestly, this has gone on long enough. I can't escape it. I'm like frickin' Jonathan Lipnicki here, stuck saying "the human head weighs 8 pounds" for the rest of my life and I hate it. How selfish are you anyway? I haven't seen a fucking penny from the tee shirt sales.

June, 2027
Age: 26

Bastard Father who I hate,
I just finished Law School and realized something really important: you did not get willing consent to use me in that video and you've been posting it illegally for over 19 years now. Take it down or I won't visit mom in the hospital. Or you. Ass.

June, 2033
Age: 33

To Whom it May Concern:
The law firm I work found just found the David After Dentist video on youtube and I lost my job because of it. Clients won't take me seriously, so the firm said they were "moving in another direction." I hope you're happy, Dad. I've got 4 kids and just took out a second mortgage on my home. Now I'm belly up, penniless, and wondering if maybe I shouldn't just end it all before things get worse. Either way, thank you for cursing my entire existence just so you could get a couple of laughs. Really, good fathering. You should call Bill Cosby and tell him how great you did.

June, 2040
Age: 40

My Late Father:
It's such a shame I outlived you. I thought your money would have kept you alive forever. But really, it's more of a shame that the video will outlive me, the internet, and my children, who, by the way, are reminded of my 7-year-old-drugged-out-antics daily. Honestly, what were you thinking when you did this? How fucking negligent could you be? Didn't you realize I'd have hopes and dreams of my own? That I might want to step outside of your shadow? Instead I'm stuck in my own shadow- a shadow of a 7 year old boy who was wacked out of his head. A boy that has always been stuck in that place cause you put him there. Well, now you're gone. Maybe I should make a video of you called "Daddy After Death." We can do a Weekend at Bernie's thing, only I'll make it funny for a change.

June, 2050
Age: 50

Father of the Millennium,
I got a call from the Smithsonian Museum of Pop Culture* today. Turns out they want to put my video on permanent collection so that children of future generations may enjoy it as well. Worse yet, since I didn't make the video, it's not my property, so I can't refuse the request. From this moment until the end of time, my face and namesake will now be plastered alongside Neil Armstrong, Martin Luther King, and Leonardo DaVinci. The weird thing is though, I didn't land on the moon, help the human rights movement, or advance the cause of man. Nope. I just went to the dentist and got taken advantage of. Ironic too, as this will be my first trip to any of the Smithsonian museums, despite the incessant requests I made to go there as a child. You never took me though, you were too busy "editing your kids lives away."

June, 2061
Age: 61

The Post Gazette Reports:
David "After Dentist" Conner was found dead in a Marriott Courtyard closet today, hung to death by what looks to be his own belt. His body was found by a hooker who immediately recognized him, then posed for a photo with the limp body before calling the proper authorities. David is survived only by his legacy, which he has tried to squash since his 11th birthday, knowing full well it would follow him for the rest of his life.

*set to open in 2025

Hey, David's Dad: you're an asshole!

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