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Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Cash for Clunkers

Our government's most recent flop, the embarrassingly pitiful "Cash for Clunkers" program suspension, received some new life today as the US announced it would partner with China for their Cash for Children program. When reached for comment, President Obama made it clear to America that he means business:

"China will be the largest global marketplace of the 21st century. It's high time we finally got a piece of the pie."

While some reporters chided his "movin' on up" mindset, many domestic economists are already on board. I.X. Ratly, of the Des Moines Sun Times, was especially vocal.

"The beauty of the newly adapted cash-for-kids program is that it allows American parents to give up their ugly, fat or unwanted children AFTER pregnancy. This eliminates the moral dilemma that is abortion, while curbing our population and food consumption at the same time."

And food is becoming more of a hot button issue by the day as children get fatter and fatter. But many skeptics are appeased with this plan. Kids are measured by weight, then families receive compensation based on how many pounds they can bring in.

Not everyone is singing the new propostion's praises though. Between it's "no twins policy" and minimal cash reimbursements for children older than 13, some are finding it hard to get behind. Sue Davis, of Pointe Blanc, Maine further echoed the backlash.

"So I got this ugly 13 year old kid, and I only get 200 dollars for it? It cost more than that to make the damn thing."

When asked why she wouldn't then just "make another child" she complained of broken plumbing, which, ironically, she needs just $189 to pay for, leaving her with an $11 profit.

"It ain't all bad," she added. "Got me a free pack'a smokes and some Coors Original out of it. Had a dollar left for a scratch and win."

Sue, unfortunately, scratched and lost, but America seems to have hit the jackpot.

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