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Thursday, August 30, 2007

blog-cation

Hey everyone...the newest installment of my frivolous little column "Great Scott" can be found over at Passion of the Weiss today. Come on over and check it out, ya herr!

Monday, August 27, 2007

fictitious album review



When I first heard the album by R-p-y-n-n-a N-e-backwards cursive r-a-r-e-backwards capital r, I wasn't quite sure what to think. Was it real? Does music like this actually exist? The truth is, I have no way of knowing. I found a picture of this album cover, and just had to roast it, seeing as it looks like a photo that a fashion photographer dumped in the 'no-good' pile after wrapping a shoot for JC Penny's portrait studio.

She seems like she'd be cute enough. But what's up with her hair? And that background...it's as cold as the soviet winter that she just walked in from. Mind you, I can't imagine that Russians need to add a lot of flare to their album covers to sell music. After all, this is the first time in ages that music has even been allowed there, much less music at pictures, or (gasp) motion pictures!

This only makes me think of my favorite brand of comedy from the Simpsons, in an episode where Krusty was forced to use a different cat and mouse team, as Itchy and Scratchy went to the Gabbo show. The following hilarity ensued:



Call me a one note hack for citing a Simpsons example for everything in life, but I tend to feel like Martin Tupper's character in Dream On...always pulling memories from tv shows and films from his youth to hold parallel to events in his real life. But that's me. I just don't see the non sequitors in black and white.

Anyway, if anyone out there has heard this record by the Russian Sarah Chalke, please let me know. I would love to hear it, as it seems like it might be the funniest thing since sliced bread.

What? Don't think sliced bread is funny? Try having a conversation with it, then we'll talk. This is Scott Towler signing off...

chiming in with...

This guy has it right. I wish he'd do a piece out here in LA, cause I am sick of hipsters.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

NBC breathes new life into American Gladiators



You can't even imagine the elation I felt when I read in Variety today that American Gladiators could very well make the mid-season schedule for America's favorite '#4 in ratings' network. Running on fumes? Apparently...This is the newest-old show to be resurrected making it the biggest mistake since the second coming of Christ, and the renaissance of Family Guy, otherwise known as poop-show.

This time though, it just feels right. And I know what you all are thinking...why would I watch this show? Well, save for the roid-ridden, brain-dead, post-op-tranny muscle heads, there is only one reason: Assault.

Defamer ran an article about the show today, but they only had a clip of the opening credits...perhaps searching for humor in the hollow eyes of gladiators past. In reality though, there is no joke here. My guess is that Nitro and Gyro could come back today, bigger and stronger than ever.

Or hey, maybe they have kids and they'll play on their father's behalf. Oh...wait, wait...too many steriods means too much sterility. So no babies for Gyro.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Great Scott: Green with Angry

Hey everyone...as promised, I guest post over at Passion of the Weiss today. If you have the time, come on over and check it out. The hyperlink above will take you directly to my column.

And if that isn't enough for you, maybe this is:



Yeah, that's what I thought.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Are There Really No Lady Potheads?



I stumbled across this article today by way of Gawker. I found it more than intriguing, and thought I might add some insight to the topic here. But before I do, here's a little snippet of the article in question (one that I disagree with completely), which can be found in it's entirety here:

"Men are allowed to be lazy--being stoned is part of their farting, pajama-wearing, video-game-playing pantheon of acceptable male relaxation techniques ....Their sloth is even kind of adorable. But modern women are not allowed to be lazy, adorable stoners. Women have to go to college (which they're now doing at higher rates than men), and then get their careers going quickly, before their biological clocks run out. Then they have to have kids and take them to all of their activities. There is no time for women to be slovenly and relax--and if women do relax, it has to be at a gym."

The above quotation is actually taken from a real article, and not just some quip from a less-than-informed whistle-blower at gawker, who by the end of her article called pot smoking 'retarded.' And it's worth reading the entire article, as it adds actual insight to this sociological anomally. The shorthand analysis of it at Gawker, however, is addled with absurdity and pomp.

I won't even get into how rude it is for someone to use the word 'retarded' to mean stupid, dumb, foolish, whatever our vernacular dictates that it means today. But the type of person that says, "man, that's retarded," is probably also one that uses the phrase, "that's so gay," to mean virtually the same thing. Know your words if you're a journalist, and don't belittle the retarded community because you can't think of the appropriate word to use in your so-called article.

With that said, I am not a journalist. I am an amateur writer who enjoys picking fights with his words. This just happens to be my newest conquest. And not to fear, kind readers, I am emailing Gawker and alerting them to this post. Sure their crackpot team of writers will tear me a new one, and I'm fine with that. But this post on their page came from a writer known only as 'Emily;' the title of her column simply being Femiladyism.

I am not a regular reader of her column, but I can only assume, given the title, that it revolves around issues relevant to the equal representation of women. Not just that, but also correcting some of the male driven myths in the world that tend to dominate our society. After all, for those rooted in religion, myself not included, women have been to blame since day 1.

Do I agree with this? Not in the least. But do I think that someone trying to create equality for something she thinks is important should use such derogatory words as 'retarded' simply to belittle pot smoking? And furthermore, who really cares if men smoke more pot than women. It isn't a contest. If it is, and health is involved, then good on ya women! You're winning!

I never was here to debate whether or not men smoke more than women do, though I do agree with the fact that it is, for some reason, more socially acceptable for men to do so. I did, however, set out to identify that anyone who has an opinion that bold who writes about it, and then uses the word 'retard' as a part of their social commentary on that subject...well, to me it's nothing more than a crutch that hides someone who just wanted to bitch about marijuana to begin with, and really had no opinion for or against women in correlation to the subject.

Emily, I'm ready and waiting...

hahaha just kidding

So my post doesn't go up today, it actually goes up tomorrow and that's my bad for being a smelly liar. You can find it at Passion of the Weiss first thing tomorrow, I promise.

In the meantime, here's a fun photo of me as a giraffe:



wow, don't I look like a giraffe?!

Monday, August 20, 2007

Passion Post

The third in a contuining series of articles, aptly titled GREAT SCOTT, can be found at Passion of the Weiss tomorrow, TUESDAY August 21st.

This day also happens to be my roommate's bday, so head over to Gish Brain and give him hell!

Thank you in advance! Direct connect link will be added tomorrow!

Friday, August 17, 2007

Flight of the Conchords

In case you live in a rock. And no, not under one, but actually inside a rock...like, I don't know, some feldspar or something...

what was I talking about? Ahh yes...the rock people. Well, these guys aren't rock people, they are people that rock. And if you don't watch this show, do yourself a favor and check it out, cause it's down right hilarious.

visit them on the world wide web at Flight of the Conchords or on HBO's official site right here.

Sunday night, new episode. And obviously, after seeing the above clip, you can imagine how stoked I was when I got word that they were renewed for a 2nd season today.

Don't be gay, sparky.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

the round up



-The website Red cover's the 20 Ugliest Celebrities today. It's a good laugh, trust me.

-Who wouldn't take a day off to fuck?

-Yeah, if I were Madonna, I'd probably shoot up too. Look at her arms...so gross.

-Things just keep getting worse for Don Imus...and things just keep getting more ignorant for this dumb bitch. Wait, I better watch what I say, she could sue me.

-Finally, a reality show I can get interested. I just wish it was called Lord of the Flies II: The Legend of Curly's Gold

-Fans of the cancelled series Arrested Development will rejoice at this news.

-Anybody who's anybody will be seeing Iron & Wine on tour this summer. Get with the program, ya wanker!

-if you hate Perez Hilton as much as I do, you'll love seeing his work.

-BEST ARTICLE EVER

-Yeah, I love to eat too, but not penis.

-Just hang it up, Jackie.

-and finally, Liz Smith qwells all our fears about Brangelina.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

LA's best



Not to completely copy other blogs of note out there (Gridskipper comes to mind), but there is an awful lot of delicious food in Los Angeles, and I think it's high time we talked about it. Today, I tackle my first food column, an analysis of what are, in my opinion, the best hamburgers in Los Angeles. Agree, disagree, agree to disagree, whatever it is...these burgers will have you salivating worse than pavlov's dog in heat. I also think it's important to note that there are two types of burgers in Los Angeles: the gourmet burger and the fast food burger. Both have stand outs among them, so I have to make sure they both get their just desserts. (ah-thank you).

FAST FOOD:



Like many of you, I first heard of In-N-Out from The Big Lebowski. In that epic film, arguably one of the top 10 movies of the 90s, John Goodman's character, Walter, tells Lebowski that after they see his landlord's performance, they should head to In-N-Out. The first few times I saw the movie, I didn't know what they meant, I'll be honest. I was a Midwestern kid, and the only way I had heard of In-N-Out was from their obnoxious tee shirts that everyone seemed to have. I didn't know what it was. Quite frankly, I thought it was a place for classic cars or something...an easy lube place of sorts. Now I know the only easy lube is KY, and the only thin patty fast food burger is In-N-Out.

This place gets it's rep for a reason. Maybe it's the speakeasy nature of ordering, debating whether to go "Animal Style" or "Protein Style" or for the more adventurous, the "4x4" (that's 4 patties, 4 slices of cheese). No matter how you slice it though, they win me over with affordable prices, fresh food (fries cut daily), and their silly hats. Trust me, when you see it, you'll crap laughter.

All in all, this is the closest to what America thinks a fast food burger is, but they take it one step further: it's actually EDIBLE and DELICIOUS. So suck it, McDonald's.



Of course Fatburger takes it one step further. Recently, Matt Groening, creator of all things holy (and The Simpsons) was asked, "What would be Homer's favorite burger place in L.A., were he a real person?" Groening could only answer one way by saying, "Fatburger." Think about it...there's nothing really healthy about eating a burger. Add cheese to it, then all the special sauce/mayonnaise, and a side of fries...we're not talking about a low calorie diet here. And this place tends to bridge the gap between fast food and gourmet by offering such add ons as a fried egg or chili. But if you want to eat it for what it is, I recommend just getting a regular old burger, just how you like it. And don't expect to see any wimpy patties here, fatburger's thing is making fat burgers. Quite literally, one can choose from a fatburger, or a king burger (even bigger). Then they have their 'triple king' challenge...if you eat 3 king patties on one bun (and cheese of course), your picture makes the wall. Yes, it's a chance for fat asses everywhere to show America what they're made of. Not to mention the fact that it also justifies Groening's call on Homer's favorite burger.



Carney's was one of the first chili burgers I had out here, and it may be the last. Sure, Tommy's and other places like that are good, but nothing compares to Carney's delicious chili on top of a double cheeseburger. And sure, Fatburger offers chili on their burger, but it's not what they're known for. Carney's, on the other hand, is. In addition to their chili burgers, they offer Chili dog's (regularly rated the best in L.A.), and a wide variety of other menu options giving one the chance to eat healthy at their local burger place.

Two locations exist, one off Ventura Blvd. in Studio City, the other off Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood. In this clash of old vs. new Hollywood, it's clear that old reigns supreme. The Studio City location is not only more accessible, but it's the original. And while it may seem fun to go up to Sunset and people watch on the Strip, the food isn't as good at that location. Really the only pro to the Sunset locale is that they offer beer as well, something that neither In-N-Out or Fatburger have on their menu. Gives you something to think about, doesn't it? That and the fact that there's something hot about a rail thin bimbo chomping down on a double chili cheeseburger. Ahhh sunset blvd...nothing beats cocaine and hamburgers after a night at the standard pretending you're cooler than you really are.

There are a number of other fast food burgers in L.A., but none of them really kick ass like these do. I'll give honorable mention to 1 and only 1: Irv's Burger Stand on Santa Monica Blvd. While you can't drive through, it's worth the walk. This is the original burger stand. It's the west coast equivalent to a hot dog stand in New York City: delicious, greasy, and surrounded by homos.

Sapiens...not sexuals. Why, did you think I meant the latter?

GOURMET FARE



There's something about gourmet in Santa Monica. I'm not sure why, or how, but they like their burgers swanky. The Counter is no exception. Located in the heart of suburbia on Ocean Park Ave., the counter has been serving up some of the best burgers in LA for years. And the best part about this place: though it's short order, it's anything but short. When you arrive, you're handed a list longer than Santa's of sides, cheeses, toppings, sauces, bun types, etc. This place does it all. And just when you thought their burgers couldn't get any better, they started offering turkey burgers, veggie burgers and chicken breasts, so even the health conscious can find a home here.

The burgers, however, merely serve as the backdrop here. With options like shoe string onion rings, sweet potato fries, and their delicious chocolate chip cookies and milk shakes, it's hard not to splurge. A great place for the family or friends, they offer a great variety of micro brew beers, wine, and sippy cups for the little ones. Even your kid can get his drink on! Fuck yes!



Head down the street to The Viceroy and you can enjoy another of Santa Monica's delicious burger's at their delicious restaurant Whist. Though this burger has fallen off a bit in the past few years, it still holds up as one of the most delicious over priced burgers in town. To top that off, your surroundings aren't too shabby either. Though the burger may be somewhat normal, the ambiance is out of the ordinary. Ornate decor and bikini clad women will have you wondering, "why didn't we come here before?"



And just when you think you can't get any swankier, 25 Degrees comes along and shatters your expectations. Located inside Hollywood's Roosevelt Hotel, it's almost harder to get into than heaven. I kid. I know nothing about heaven. But I do know this burger, and I know it well. This burger is basically the equivalent of the Viceroy's in Santa Monica, but with a touch more class. Instead of outdoor summer opulence like Santa Monica, this is set in dark wood tones, with a very Hollywood feeling. A fantastic tourist attraction, and pool side service to boot, you'll feel like Cecil B. Demille cicra 1935.



But in Los Angeles, there really is only 1 gourmet burger. That of course belongs to the good people at Father's Office. No substitutions are allowed, which typically annoys me, and seating is first come first serve (otherwise you're hovering until you land a spot), but all that aside, the burger is worth the wait. Try going on a saturday afternoon and beating the rush, cause once night falls, the line waits outside the door as if it were LA's trendiest night club. An while the whole 'no substitutions' thing may throw you, this burger needs no subs. Take an amazing bun, a nice fresh arugula salad and Bermuda onions a top an Angus burger...it is to die for. It's the kind of burger people have dreams about. Really, I mean it. This burger'll make you fall in love with it and dump you on the curb after it took advantage of you. No joke. Plus, Father's Office boasts one of the most kick ass tap beer selections in the city.

******************

So if you're in the mood for a burger this weekend, try one of these guys out. I promise you won't be disappointed. Until next time, this is Scott Towler saying, keep your grill hot, your drink cold, and your blogs free of stupid writing like this.

bon appetite!

Thursday, August 09, 2007

where am I?

Oh, I'm on the web. And today you can see my work over at Passion of the Weiss. So go there and check it out, or fear the wrath of Kahn.

Monday, August 06, 2007

3 weeks later

By now, I hope many of you, if not all of you have seen this clip. It's pretty impressive, not only because they learned the dance moves (all 200 of 'em), but that they were allowed to talk inside a Philippino prison. Last I heard, and after seeing that lovely Claire Danes film Brokedown Palace, you weren't even allowed to eat anything but cockroaches, and everyone had dyssentery. I guess conditions have improved since the first gay warden started running the place.

Watch and enjoy. Happy monday.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Chromeo/Van Damme

Hey everyone...it's been ages, I know. I got this video via a post on myspace, and have to give a major shout out to my homeboy Ben for finding it (possibly making it?)

Anyway, the music is not the original from the movie, it's actually a track called "Call Me Up" from Chromeo's new record Fancy Footwork. Do yourself a favor and check it out, cause it's fantastic.

Also, this video is hysterical, so watch it over and over again.

Van Damme forever!