Monday, July 23, 2007
For the direct link to my most recent work there, simply click any of these words right here that are a different color than the rest of the post. it's really quite simple. I'll keep writing until you click it. See...there you go. Good dog.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Call me whatever you want to, but this is the coolest thing since sliced bread. And you shoulda seen me after sliced bread...I was all like, "wholy shit, sliced bread! This is amazing! It's like, it's bread, but it's sliced!"
So you can only imagine how I was when I first saw this.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Ahh, gotta love that Yahoo News. Once again, they have blessed us with a list of things that pertain to the relationships between men and women. Hard hitting news? You betcha. It's just as relevant as these guys, and much more relevant than these idiots.
With that said though, I think it's important we once again get into this article and dissect it for what it is: pomp and bull shit. As per usual, the article will be in regular font, while my comments will follow in italics. Let's get started, shall we?
"11 Things Women Don't Know About Men
by Evan Marc Katz
1. Getting angry at us for not reading your mind is like getting angry at yourself for not being able to fly. It's not just futile, it's physically impossible.
The dude has a point. The way to get around this is to become a psychic. No, seriously. Or just date really loud obnoxious women that speak their mind all the time. Then, right before you go insane from all the blathering on and on, tell her you slept with her sister...girls hate that.
2. Yes, we do think Jessica Alba is hot. Sometimes we're even dumb enough to admit it.
Who is this boner? Jessica Alba? This guy must be gay because you don't need permission to say that a celebrity is hot. Some people are, others are not, and I think that was what Lorenzo Lamas was really trying to achieve with that show he had. What was that called? Oh yeah, hot or not. That's right. Now, as for being dumb if we admit that Jessica Alba is hot...I'd feel dumber if I called Eva Longoria hot as she looks like the taco bell dog married to a baguette. A French baguette.
3. Don't ask us to understand your shoe fetish. Asking us to respect it is even sort of pushing it.
Yep, this guy is totally gay. Sorry I doubted it at first. What straight man gives a fuck if his girl has a shoe fetish? We like baseball, but you don't see bitches freaking out about that now do you? I think the real lesson we're learning here is to never buy Evan Marc Katz dating book, or join his dating site, cause clearly he is clueless. Like, Alicia Silverstone and shit.
4. You do look good without makeup, just not as good as you look with it.
Why you shallow little prick. You must date some ugly bitches, cause all I can say is that make up should be used to accentuate, not hide. And personally, I like my woman au naturale. That means naked. hee hee. Anyway, this guy who thinks women are clueless about men has already talked about shoes, make up and mind reading. So clearly he's a post op tranny.
5. Ever notice how we don't fight with our male friends? That's why we get so frustrated when we fight with you.
Hey dude, ever notice how we don't fuck our male friends either? We also don't skinny dip with them, cuddle, spoon, or say sweet nothings to them. But, and I feel like I am reiterating the same thing over and over here- women aren't men! Get over it, ya chach!
6. You care what you're wearing infinitely more than we do. In fact, if you're naked when you open the front door, you won't hear an argument from us.
Women don't wear clothes for their men, they wear clothes so they feel good about themselves. And herein may be why this guy has a dating site, but not a date-in-sight. Because he just doesn't get it. And yet, somehow- he's making a career for himself writing. Good for you, little buddy. Maybe in your next life you can do pedicures in K-town.
7. You don't like to get hit on in public, you don't want to date online and you don't want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting. Because if it is, we're all over it.
Aww...are you being funny, mr. writer? It's soo sweet of you to try, but you only come off as a douche. Plus its like- pigeons? Gross. And courting? Did you really just say that? What, did your chess match just end, and your glass of port is empty? Go back to your retirement home, turdface!
8. There should a statute of limitations on stupid things that we said that can come back to haunt us. I propose 24 hours.
I COULD NOT AGREE MORE. Especially when we say the wrong name during sex. One time, mid thrust, I called a girl...wait a second, this ass hole set me up!
9. Cooking dinner for a man is like buying flowers for a woman, except it takes a lot more time, effort and thought for you to do it. Thanks. We appreciate it.
Ok buddy, you're two for two now. Don't blow it. You were right on number 8, and right on number 9, but that doesn't mean a tic-tac-toe is on the way. Don't get greedy.
10. We actually like your girly pet-names for us, but please, not in front of the guys!
And you blew it. Just like you blew...a balloon up earlier. Which seems somewhat non-sequitor, but I respect what you're trying to do. Either way, I prefer when a woman uses her pet names in front of the guys. As long as they aren't names like, "Fido" and "Rex." Otherwise, I think it's bragging rights, cause it makes all your friends realize how empty their lives are without a good woman in it. That, and I'm a dick, so the two work well together.
11. Just because we like looking at the women in Maxim doesn't mean we want to actually converse with the women in Maxim. Not for long, anyway.
Hardy har har, ya baguette. This is the same as the Jessica Alba comment from before, and according to the title of your little list, should be the last one, right? 11 things women don't know. And yet somehow, there is a number 12 below this...so who's the moron here? I mean besides you, Katz. What editor didn't catch this glaring error? Fire him. Literally- throw his ass in a kin, and bake that shit. Also, that whole "not for long, anyway," comment...who are you? Is that supposed to be an allusion to sex? If so, why not say this: I'd fuck all those maxim girls, but then come home to you honey. At least then you'd sound straight instead of playing coy here like a fucking diva.
12. Your nice guy friends are the most reliable source for telling you if your new boyfriend's a jerk. And he probably is. (By the way, you might want to consider marrying that nice guy who's giving you advice about the jerk.)"
Yeah, I was right. 12 points on an 11 point list. Nice work, dipshit. First of all- women will never take advice about men from a man. Just realize that. Really, what this list has been for you is the 12 things you had go wrong in your miserable life, and now you're going all Garden State to win some sympathy. You then go and make note of your dating site, so that when some poor sappy bitch reads this, she'll look up your profile, ask you out, and give you the title to your next book: How to Succeed in Business by TRYING REALLY REALLY HARD.
Your shit smacks of effort, and seems fake as hell.
And that's all I got kids! Stay tuned as I may be doing a guest post early next week over at Passion of the Weiss.
Monday, July 16, 2007
My roommate sent me this video saying that it, "pretty much sums me up."
Well you know what sums you up, jerko? Two numbers added together.
Yeah, that's right. I used addition to make fun of you.
And obviously, as you can see, I'm not bitter about it.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Recently, my roommate and I took a man-cation to Carbondale, CO. After experiencing a total of 27 hours in a car, I've come up with 5 tips that should ensure you have a fun and happy trip.
Don't drive through the desert
Sure, it may look pretty here, but deserts suck. They suck ass. At one point on our drive to Colorado, it crested 113 degrees. On our drive back, it hit a whopping 122 degrees. Add them together and that's even hotter. And for those of you who know me, and know much I sweat, this is not good for 12 hours in a car. Ever. Especially when you have a roommate who takes pleasure in turning off the AC until you notice (only because a bead of sweat has gone into your eye, making it impossible to scoff the passers-by in other cars. There was a moment when I almost fainted I was so damn hot. And as if that wasn't bad enough, we had to drive by a state trooper that was just sitting in his bubble of power and AC, stroking his gun, just waiting for me to do something 'suspect.' I blame deserts on Al Quaida, and I think you would too, had you been there.
Fast food isn't fast, and often your order is incorrect
As you can read in my roommate's blog, most people are idiots. I am inclined to agree. Is that because I think I'm better or smarter than everyone? Yeah, sure, what the hell. But what shocks me is that these people- the people that all they have to do is punch a button on a fu$&ing computer and hand you your McDonald's breakfast...they can't even do that right! We stopped at a McDonalds on our way back, and I order a sausage biscuit. She serves me a sausage biscuit with egg. Had I wanted a sausage biscuit with egg, I would have said that. It's not like if I order a hamburger I get a cheeseburger...how fucking dumb are these people? What pisses me off even more is that we had these people in front of us that had apparently never been to a McDonalds before (also suspected mexican members of the Al Quaida group), so they didn't know what they were doing.
girl beaner: well, what do you want to drink?
guy beaner: I don't know, my jean shorts are so long they should be pants.
girl beaner 2: that has nothing to do with your order.
guy beaner: well, whatever I order- make sure it's cooked 'lazy' style.
McDonalds employee: Sure. Would you also like to hold up the line while you grope your ugly girlfriend in front of a bunch of people who clearly have some place better to be?
But hey, at least the spoke English. I am all for diversity, racial equality, etc. But a stop later that day had me wondering...we popped in at a Jack in the Box outside of Vegas...it was connected to the gas station where we filled up, so naturally, as men (who perpetually seek the best time record on any road trip known to god), we thought this would be the quickest bet.
So I stand there and listen to Tokyo and Tokyo's daughter babble on like chickens- chickens that speak asian- and they order. The woman, who has smiled at me by now, indicating that she too has had enough of Iwo Jima and her sucky sucky, hands them their receipt. But oh no, let's not forget about that language barrier! They stand their, inspect their order, then order I'd say....4 more meals. They walk away, I approach the counter. "Yes, I'd like a--"
...interuption from a fucking moron please.
This damn bird like woman walks up again and orders even more sumo sauce for her rice puff cereal, and finally they are done. The dust settles, and then I proceed to wait 10 (at least) minutes for my food to be prepared. Was it worth it? Well let me answer that question with another...did it not give me fodder here?
I guess I'm just sad cause it's such a shame to see those Japanese tourists spend all their slot machine winnings on Jack in the Box tacos.
Don't ever drive from Las Vegas to Los Angeles...just don't
Especially on a holiday weekend. We made record time going from Colorado to Vegas. An 8 hour trip in virtually 7 hours...but once we hit vegas it was over. I thought my roommate was going to go on a killing spree. We switched from AC to windows down at least 10 times. We waited in awful awful traffic for what seemed like ages, only to discover that there was no accident, no nothing. Just a bunch of LA idiots bobbing and weaving through traffic as if they had some place to be. Well they did. WE ALL DID. And I know what most of you are thinking...I drive like a maniac as well. But ha ha! I wasn't driving. So take that, skeptics!
I guess it wouldn't have been so bad of a drive if it wasn't the tail end of the trip, but that leg between LV and LA is brutal. As soon as traffic speeds up, it slows down. And worse yet, once it finally clears up, it jams again as you are bottlenecked into a 'produce check point.' Now, this check point would make sense, but it's well after the California border. If you have a Uhaul full of laborers and illegals, they could hop out well before this random search area appears.
State Troopers: Naturally, they clock us at 88
And naturally, we weren't going 88. Luckily we just got a warning, but it's like...we had the car on cruise control. 83 in a 75...not all that absurd. I heard once from a city cop that they won't pull anyone over unless they are exceeding 8 miles above the speed limit. But apparently, and I should slap my own wrists for being so idealistic, they can just make up whatever speed they want.
Now, I'm not one to bad mouth the law. But it's job is to protect and serve. Again, the idealist in me comes out, as I analyze that statement. Protect and serve. So basically: uphold. Well, if it's their job to uphold the law, who polices the police? If a cop has to swing around a highway and then drive 100 mph to catch up with us, isn't he breaking the law too? Yes. But if I try and arrest him, or pull him over, I go to jail.
Oh my god, I've gone crosseyed.
Look out for RV's, or be in one
RV's suck, unless you're riding in one. That's the only exception really. Now, I've never ridden in one, so I'll just stick with: they suck.
The roads, especially through the deserts for some reason, are over crowded with semi trucks hauling too much weight, pick up trucks hauling 4-wheelers, and RV's. Loads and loads of them. Most of them tow a car behind them, others simply drive like a blind person with the brain capacity of an ice cube, and even more decide to pass trucks going uphill, right as you were about to pass both of them.
I hate RV's. And typically, not to generalize, the people who step foot out of them make me hate them even more. Sleeveless shirts (and they're straight...), nascar hats, ugly painted tee shirts with coyotes or looney tunes on them. Fat children, all playing xbox on the drive, not even taking in the majesty of this great nation.
Essentially, they are trailer parks on wheels. And we all know how I feel about trailer parks...this one below is in Nevada.
Hey...wasn't Nevada a state I just drove through? Hmm...
Anyway, follow these simple rules, and you can be certain to have a much more pleasurable experience on the road than we did. So be safe, wear sunglasses, and take note at just how crappy the west can be!
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Sure we're all familiar with the epic Chipmunks movie we all watched as children. It was fun, frivolous, and a part of our youth.
Back then, movie's didn't have to make sense. They could just be. These days, kids movies- across the board- are made as much for adults as they are for the children who pull on their father's pant leg until he finally caves and takes them to see it.
After all, these weren't the days when shows and games that are nostalgia today, were made into movies. No, those days came about 15 years later, when apparently Hollywood ran out of ideas, or realized how to make more money doing less and less. Either way, it's basically the same.
And while most of you would think, "hey Scott, that sounds a lot like you...doing as little as possible to make as much money as one can." And you'd be right if you said that, as that's exactly who I am. And in my mind- that's exactly what American's aspire to be. Minimal effort, maximum payoff.
But it's not that simple. It never is. Idealism has no place, especially in entertainment. And today, this year of our Ford, 2007, we have franchises like The Chipmunks to blame for the rapid deterioration of pop culture. We get shows like Best Week Ever and The Soup that take events that happened JUST THIS WEEK, and replay them. What, is tivo not enough? Did you not want to watch the show, you just wanted to get the jist of it? There's a name for someone like you...it's called an American.
In light of that, Hollywood has once again decided to breathe new life into something that was and is long dead. This Christmas, we get to enjoy Jason Lee along side what I am guessing will be CGI characters with butchered voices- packaged and ready for a whole new generation of children who don't know any better. Sadly, there is nothing I can do now, but watch Earl and his career go down the shitter, as Jason Lee decided this would be a good move. Wholesome, surely, but whatever happened to the days of Brodie in Mall Rats or Chasing Amy? Apparently that man has died. And in his wake, from his ashes, has emerged a phoenix...but in this case, it's really more of a pidgeon.
Besides, anyone who really knows their roots will know there is one and only one Chipmunk Movie And that movie can never be topped. Especially when it features the holiday children's classic, "Christmas Don't Be Late."
Now all we can really pray for is that they don't make this new movie into a video game, or revitalize the television show for a new generation. Keep those chipmunk paws crossed my friends! Together, we can stop this thing!
Monday, July 09, 2007
The following words were written by Jay Leno. The picture wasn't written by anyone. I stole the title of the post...let's see here...am I really doing anything...hmm...while I ponder that, give 'im a read. I'm not sure when this is from, but it makes a damn good point.
'The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the president. In essence 2 /3s of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.
So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What we are so unhappy about?''
Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?
I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.
Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.
Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.
How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.
Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.
I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled u ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks?
The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?
Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the 'Media' told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.
Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.
They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.
So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by 'justifying' them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way......Insane!
Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.
We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.'
'With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
Monday, July 02, 2007
This article and news clip came from a local St. Louis news broadcast. I'd link the video if I could, but I can't seem to figure out how. Apparently I am NOT smarter than a 5th grader, though I am enjoying more press than I've ever gotten.
I'm in Colorado the rest of the week, celebrating our nation's independence. I hope you all get a chance to do the same! And obviously, if I find any more press, you'll see it posted here.
USA USA USA!