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Thursday, July 12, 2007

5 tips for better travels

Recently, my roommate and I took a man-cation to Carbondale, CO. After experiencing a total of 27 hours in a car, I've come up with 5 tips that should ensure you have a fun and happy trip.

Don't drive through the desert

Sure, it may look pretty here, but deserts suck. They suck ass. At one point on our drive to Colorado, it crested 113 degrees. On our drive back, it hit a whopping 122 degrees. Add them together and that's even hotter. And for those of you who know me, and know much I sweat, this is not good for 12 hours in a car. Ever. Especially when you have a roommate who takes pleasure in turning off the AC until you notice (only because a bead of sweat has gone into your eye, making it impossible to scoff the passers-by in other cars. There was a moment when I almost fainted I was so damn hot. And as if that wasn't bad enough, we had to drive by a state trooper that was just sitting in his bubble of power and AC, stroking his gun, just waiting for me to do something 'suspect.' I blame deserts on Al Quaida, and I think you would too, had you been there.

Fast food isn't fast, and often your order is incorrect

As you can read in my roommate's blog, most people are idiots. I am inclined to agree. Is that because I think I'm better or smarter than everyone? Yeah, sure, what the hell. But what shocks me is that these people- the people that all they have to do is punch a button on a fu$&ing computer and hand you your McDonald's breakfast...they can't even do that right! We stopped at a McDonalds on our way back, and I order a sausage biscuit. She serves me a sausage biscuit with egg. Had I wanted a sausage biscuit with egg, I would have said that. It's not like if I order a hamburger I get a fucking dumb are these people? What pisses me off even more is that we had these people in front of us that had apparently never been to a McDonalds before (also suspected mexican members of the Al Quaida group), so they didn't know what they were doing.

girl beaner: well, what do you want to drink?
guy beaner: I don't know, my jean shorts are so long they should be pants.
girl beaner 2: that has nothing to do with your order.
guy beaner: well, whatever I order- make sure it's cooked 'lazy' style.
McDonalds employee: Sure. Would you also like to hold up the line while you grope your ugly girlfriend in front of a bunch of people who clearly have some place better to be?

But hey, at least the spoke English. I am all for diversity, racial equality, etc. But a stop later that day had me wondering...we popped in at a Jack in the Box outside of was connected to the gas station where we filled up, so naturally, as men (who perpetually seek the best time record on any road trip known to god), we thought this would be the quickest bet.

So I stand there and listen to Tokyo and Tokyo's daughter babble on like chickens- chickens that speak asian- and they order. The woman, who has smiled at me by now, indicating that she too has had enough of Iwo Jima and her sucky sucky, hands them their receipt. But oh no, let's not forget about that language barrier! They stand their, inspect their order, then order I'd say....4 more meals. They walk away, I approach the counter. "Yes, I'd like a--"

...interuption from a fucking moron please.

This damn bird like woman walks up again and orders even more sumo sauce for her rice puff cereal, and finally they are done. The dust settles, and then I proceed to wait 10 (at least) minutes for my food to be prepared. Was it worth it? Well let me answer that question with another...did it not give me fodder here?

I guess I'm just sad cause it's such a shame to see those Japanese tourists spend all their slot machine winnings on Jack in the Box tacos.

Don't ever drive from Las Vegas to Los Angeles...just don't

Especially on a holiday weekend. We made record time going from Colorado to Vegas. An 8 hour trip in virtually 7 hours...but once we hit vegas it was over. I thought my roommate was going to go on a killing spree. We switched from AC to windows down at least 10 times. We waited in awful awful traffic for what seemed like ages, only to discover that there was no accident, no nothing. Just a bunch of LA idiots bobbing and weaving through traffic as if they had some place to be. Well they did. WE ALL DID. And I know what most of you are thinking...I drive like a maniac as well. But ha ha! I wasn't driving. So take that, skeptics!

I guess it wouldn't have been so bad of a drive if it wasn't the tail end of the trip, but that leg between LV and LA is brutal. As soon as traffic speeds up, it slows down. And worse yet, once it finally clears up, it jams again as you are bottlenecked into a 'produce check point.' Now, this check point would make sense, but it's well after the California border. If you have a Uhaul full of laborers and illegals, they could hop out well before this random search area appears.

State Troopers: Naturally, they clock us at 88

And naturally, we weren't going 88. Luckily we just got a warning, but it's like...we had the car on cruise control. 83 in a 75...not all that absurd. I heard once from a city cop that they won't pull anyone over unless they are exceeding 8 miles above the speed limit. But apparently, and I should slap my own wrists for being so idealistic, they can just make up whatever speed they want.

Now, I'm not one to bad mouth the law. But it's job is to protect and serve. Again, the idealist in me comes out, as I analyze that statement. Protect and serve. So basically: uphold. Well, if it's their job to uphold the law, who polices the police? If a cop has to swing around a highway and then drive 100 mph to catch up with us, isn't he breaking the law too? Yes. But if I try and arrest him, or pull him over, I go to jail.

Oh my god, I've gone crosseyed.

Look out for RV's, or be in one

RV's suck, unless you're riding in one. That's the only exception really. Now, I've never ridden in one, so I'll just stick with: they suck.

The roads, especially through the deserts for some reason, are over crowded with semi trucks hauling too much weight, pick up trucks hauling 4-wheelers, and RV's. Loads and loads of them. Most of them tow a car behind them, others simply drive like a blind person with the brain capacity of an ice cube, and even more decide to pass trucks going uphill, right as you were about to pass both of them.

I hate RV's. And typically, not to generalize, the people who step foot out of them make me hate them even more. Sleeveless shirts (and they're straight...), nascar hats, ugly painted tee shirts with coyotes or looney tunes on them. Fat children, all playing xbox on the drive, not even taking in the majesty of this great nation.

Essentially, they are trailer parks on wheels. And we all know how I feel about trailer parks...this one below is in Nevada.

Hey...wasn't Nevada a state I just drove through? Hmm...

Anyway, follow these simple rules, and you can be certain to have a much more pleasurable experience on the road than we did. So be safe, wear sunglasses, and take note at just how crappy the west can be!

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