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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

11 Things Women Don't Know About Men

Ahh, gotta love that Yahoo News. Once again, they have blessed us with a list of things that pertain to the relationships between men and women. Hard hitting news? You betcha. It's just as relevant as these guys, and much more relevant than these idiots.

With that said though, I think it's important we once again get into this article and dissect it for what it is: pomp and bull shit. As per usual, the article will be in regular font, while my comments will follow in italics. Let's get started, shall we?

"11 Things Women Don't Know About Men
by Evan Marc Katz

1. Getting angry at us for not reading your mind is like getting angry at yourself for not being able to fly. It's not just futile, it's physically impossible.

The dude has a point. The way to get around this is to become a psychic. No, seriously. Or just date really loud obnoxious women that speak their mind all the time. Then, right before you go insane from all the blathering on and on, tell her you slept with her sister...girls hate that.

2. Yes, we do think Jessica Alba is hot. Sometimes we're even dumb enough to admit it.

Who is this boner? Jessica Alba? This guy must be gay because you don't need permission to say that a celebrity is hot. Some people are, others are not, and I think that was what Lorenzo Lamas was really trying to achieve with that show he had. What was that called? Oh yeah, hot or not. That's right. Now, as for being dumb if we admit that Jessica Alba is hot...I'd feel dumber if I called Eva Longoria hot as she looks like the taco bell dog married to a baguette. A French baguette.

3. Don't ask us to understand your shoe fetish. Asking us to respect it is even sort of pushing it.

Yep, this guy is totally gay. Sorry I doubted it at first. What straight man gives a fuck if his girl has a shoe fetish? We like baseball, but you don't see bitches freaking out about that now do you? I think the real lesson we're learning here is to never buy Evan Marc Katz dating book, or join his dating site, cause clearly he is clueless. Like, Alicia Silverstone and shit.

4. You do look good without makeup, just not as good as you look with it.

Why you shallow little prick. You must date some ugly bitches, cause all I can say is that make up should be used to accentuate, not hide. And personally, I like my woman au naturale. That means naked. hee hee. Anyway, this guy who thinks women are clueless about men has already talked about shoes, make up and mind reading. So clearly he's a post op tranny.

5. Ever notice how we don't fight with our male friends? That's why we get so frustrated when we fight with you.

Hey dude, ever notice how we don't fuck our male friends either? We also don't skinny dip with them, cuddle, spoon, or say sweet nothings to them. But, and I feel like I am reiterating the same thing over and over here- women aren't men! Get over it, ya chach!

6. You care what you're wearing infinitely more than we do. In fact, if you're naked when you open the front door, you won't hear an argument from us.

Women don't wear clothes for their men, they wear clothes so they feel good about themselves. And herein may be why this guy has a dating site, but not a date-in-sight. Because he just doesn't get it. And yet, somehow- he's making a career for himself writing. Good for you, little buddy. Maybe in your next life you can do pedicures in K-town.

7. You don't like to get hit on in public, you don't want to date online and you don't want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting. Because if it is, we're all over it.

Aww...are you being funny, mr. writer? It's soo sweet of you to try, but you only come off as a douche. Plus its like- pigeons? Gross. And courting? Did you really just say that? What, did your chess match just end, and your glass of port is empty? Go back to your retirement home, turdface!

8. There should a statute of limitations on stupid things that we said that can come back to haunt us. I propose 24 hours.

I COULD NOT AGREE MORE. Especially when we say the wrong name during sex. One time, mid thrust, I called a girl...wait a second, this ass hole set me up!

9. Cooking dinner for a man is like buying flowers for a woman, except it takes a lot more time, effort and thought for you to do it. Thanks. We appreciate it.

Ok buddy, you're two for two now. Don't blow it. You were right on number 8, and right on number 9, but that doesn't mean a tic-tac-toe is on the way. Don't get greedy.

10. We actually like your girly pet-names for us, but please, not in front of the guys!

And you blew it. Just like you blew...a balloon up earlier. Which seems somewhat non-sequitor, but I respect what you're trying to do. Either way, I prefer when a woman uses her pet names in front of the guys. As long as they aren't names like, "Fido" and "Rex." Otherwise, I think it's bragging rights, cause it makes all your friends realize how empty their lives are without a good woman in it. That, and I'm a dick, so the two work well together.

11. Just because we like looking at the women in Maxim doesn't mean we want to actually converse with the women in Maxim. Not for long, anyway.

Hardy har har, ya baguette. This is the same as the Jessica Alba comment from before, and according to the title of your little list, should be the last one, right? 11 things women don't know. And yet somehow, there is a number 12 below who's the moron here? I mean besides you, Katz. What editor didn't catch this glaring error? Fire him. Literally- throw his ass in a kin, and bake that shit. Also, that whole "not for long, anyway," comment...who are you? Is that supposed to be an allusion to sex? If so, why not say this: I'd fuck all those maxim girls, but then come home to you honey. At least then you'd sound straight instead of playing coy here like a fucking diva.

12. Your nice guy friends are the most reliable source for telling you if your new boyfriend's a jerk. And he probably is. (By the way, you might want to consider marrying that nice guy who's giving you advice about the jerk.)"

Yeah, I was right. 12 points on an 11 point list. Nice work, dipshit. First of all- women will never take advice about men from a man. Just realize that. Really, what this list has been for you is the 12 things you had go wrong in your miserable life, and now you're going all Garden State to win some sympathy. You then go and make note of your dating site, so that when some poor sappy bitch reads this, she'll look up your profile, ask you out, and give you the title to your next book: How to Succeed in Business by TRYING REALLY REALLY HARD.

Your shit smacks of effort, and seems fake as hell.

And that's all I got kids! Stay tuned as I may be doing a guest post early next week over at Passion of the Weiss.

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