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Monday, December 17, 2007

Failing Upwards Episode 2 and some other news

Hey friends...check out the second episode of the all improv series Falling Upwards, produced by the good people over at Tomorrow the World. This week's episode is called Bathroom Buddies, and stars me!

Also, today I have two short album reviews over at Passion of the Weiss for his annual Top 50 list. Be sure to check them out. Also, keep coming back- he's reviewing 5 a day until the new year!

Hope you like episode 2! Happy Holidays!

Bathroom Buddies

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Failing Upwards, Episode 1 "The Assistants"

Hey gang! I'm busy serving on a jury in a lengthy (and boring) case downtown, so the blog hasn't gotten much love. In light of that, I thought I'd spoil you all with a little viral web content. You all remeber my friends over at Tomorrow the World Productions right? Well they've created a brand spanking new web series called Falling Upwards that promises to be a smash hit (plus little old me is in the cast!). Stay tuned for future episodes, or visit their blog by clicking these neato blue words. Also, peep their myspace, where you can watch all their videos (including the making of The Paranormalists, a film starring me! Details on it's release will come soon. Visit their myspace page here. Again, blue words, we get it, wasn't funny to begin with, etc.

The Assistants

Monday, November 19, 2007

Short Hiatus

Hey's been a while, and I've had loads of other things going on, but I thought I'd send a cheery holiday hello your way.

I'll be back home for thanksgiving, but will return to LA (and regular blog writing) in about a week.

In the meantime, tomorrow you can check out a new guest blog over at Passion of the Weiss that I penned. It's about the strike, and basically just how it's affected my life thus far.

And if you don't want do to that, maybe you can drool over this delicious turkey...

...and then answer the age old question: why is that I'm hungry and have a semi-chub all at once?

Happy Holodays!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

WGA: why we strike

this video came my way on the last post, thought I'd share it with you all.


Thursday, November 08, 2007

WGA strike continues

I can't write too much, as I'm technically not supposed to be writing anyway, in a show of solidarity to the Writers Guild of America. One of their main issues is 'new media' or in layman's terms, material written for the internet. Obviously this falls under that category, so this is where I stop.

I picketed today for a short while, and thought I'd share the guild's main flyer that indicates just what exactly is going on. Enjoy, and as soon as this strike wraps up, I'll be back in full force.

click on the image to see a larger one that is easier to read.

Friday, November 02, 2007

THe looming WGA strike...

This article came my way through my friend Siri, who much like myself will be affected by the strike. But it is important to understand what this is all about, and I think this article makes a pretty good point.

Greed Is Good: How Big Media Wants To Steal From Its Workers

Any day now, maybe even tomorrow, there could be a strike by thousands of writers who come up with the words that come out of the mouths of the actors and performers who we watch on the big screen, television, DVDs and, increasingly, the Internet, or listen to on the radio. What isn’t always clear, because the traditional media conveniently avoids the topic, is how much this fight is a classic example of unadulterated greed of the few trying to triumph over the very people who made the few fabulously wealthy. Whether you are a member of the Writers Guild of America (west or east) or not, this fight is your fight.

The writers’ demand is pretty simple: they want to share in the revenue stream coming in from DVDs and other new media uses. Big Media doesn’t want to pay when it profits from Internet downloads, or for original writing in New Media and it refuses to pay more than a pittance for DVD sales. Big Media argues that, poor souls that they are, it can’t afford to pay more because its business models for New Media are uncertain and it needs the increased revenues to offset "other costs."

I’ve seen this story before. In 1993, I and a group of other writers sued The New York Times—and, by extension, every major publisher—over the illegal use of our work in new media. We won in a 7-2 decision in 2001 in the U.S. Supreme Court (in the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that Justices Thomas, Scalia and Rehnquist sided with us, too).

Though we fought a legal case and the current fight is being waged in collective bargaining, The Times and their cronies tried to make the same lame arguments we hear in the current fight being waged by the WGA: it was too soon to tell whether they would make money on the business.

For all those folks who aren’t writers and get a regular paycheck, it’s really important to understand the plantation-like economic model that powers—and enriches—Big Media. At any given time, 95 percent of WGA members aren’t being paid a salary by Big Media. Instead, thousands of writers churn out scripts and ideas for content—most of which is never bought. You might sell a script or an idea one year and, then, not sell another product for the next 5 or 7 years. It’s not because of a lack of talent. It is simply because Big Media has set up a brilliant system—it keeps a whole workforce turning out its products and doesn’t have to keep them on any payroll, or pay their health care or pensions if Big Media decides not to buy what they produce.

And, so, the way writers try to survive is over that stream—in most cases, quite modest stream—of royalties that come every time a DVD is sold which contains their creative output. Remember this: the vast majority of writers do not—do not—live in mansions or fly in private jets. They are mostly trying to live a middle-class life—and that isn’t easy.

And, as important, Big Media is engaging in the fairly familiar anti-union posture that is in vogue: it is refusing to agree to include writers for reality television in the jurisdiction of the WGA. Translation: Big Media wants to deny people basic rights on the job.

The truth is that Big Media is a hugely profitable business. The truth is that the top CEOs, while they are demanding that writers suck it up and make a pittance, are raking in obscene astronomical salaries and stock options. Check out these numbers for 2006, which I took directly from Forbes Magazine’s current top ranking of companies:

Time Warner:
Revenues—$44 billion
Profit—$6.53 billion
CEO Richard Parsons’ 2006 pay: $12. 95 million. Five-year pay haul: $45.36 million. Stock options value: $14.2 million (at April 2007 prices)

Revenues—$35 billion
Profit—$4.34 billion
CEO Robert Iger’s 2006 pay: $29.93 million plus $8.8 million stock options

News Corp.:
Revenues--$26.74 billion
Profit—$3.34 billion
Boss Rupert Murdoch’s 2006 pay: $25.91 million. Five-year pay haul: $86.42 million. Stock: since he owns the company, his stock is worth $8.7 billion

Revenues—$14.32 billion
Profit—$1.66 billion
CEO Leslie Moonves 2006 pay: $24.86 million. Five-year pay haul: $63.43 million. Stock options: $30 million.

The same is true if you go and look at most other major media companies.

While the media titans like Murdoch and Iger run around crying poverty, out of one side of their mouths, and an inability to pay writers, they run to Wall Street, investors and media analysts and speak a different tone: they claim, individually, that their company is on the leading edge of new media and can be counted on to continue to capitalize on the explosion in new media uses...and, therefore, the Street, investors and analysts should have great faith in their leadership...and value their stocks accordingly. They sell advertising based on flogging their companies as the leaders in the business. So, in one place they cry "uncertainty"—when it comes to paying writers their fair share—and in another forum they cry, "we are future-looking geniuses cashing in on the Internet gold."

Now, who made this money for Big Media? I’m sorry to break this news: It wasn’t the CEOs. It was the creative minds that produce the content that we all consume. Tell me, when was the last time you watched a movie written by Rupert Murdoch?

We’ve seen this movie, in real life, played out across America, in industry after industry. The problem is not profitability or ability to pay. It’s greed. A few people are feeding at the company trough (helped by compliant boards of directors), spinning the perception that they are the reason the company is doing. Then, they claim the cupboard is bare when it comes to the people who really make the companies successful. That’s nonsense. Like all stories, we can help change the dialogue and make sure that members of the WGA get their fair share.

Originally published at Working Life

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

whose guest post boasts the most roast?

Hey everyone! Head on over to Passion of the Weiss and check out my take on sportscasters in America today.

Also, Happy Halloween! May all your Halloween frights and delights come true!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

behind the scenes of The Paranormalists

The Making of The Paranormalists

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The above video chronicles the journey that our cast and crew made making The Paranormalists, a Tomorrow the World Production. Their site can be found in the column on the right, or by clicking here.

You can also check out their myspace page here.

Release date of the film still to come, but I thought you all might like to see a bivvy of Denison alums as well as the making of the first signifigant movie I've played a major role in.

Yes I'm proud. You can ask the entire cast and crew and they'd say the same thing. Keep tuning in for details about the film!

passion poster boy

So I done gone and did it. New guest blog over at The Passion of the Weiss.

And that lovely blog administrator Jeff Weiss (pictured below) has also archived all the articles I've written for him. When you visit his blog, go to the column on the right, and under categories you'll see Great Scott. There you can find the rest of my work.

Also, don't forget to take a look at some of my previous posts, including love for Zapp and Roger, and how a pack of wild monkeys killed and Indian politcal figure.

Jeff Weiss, before the witch transformed him into a man. A...rabbit man!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

I shouldn't laugh

This was the headline I saw: Indian official dies after attack by gang of wild monkeys

The article, in it's entirety, can be found here

Can you imagine being killed by wild monkeys? I'd go bananas! Ok, now that I got that joke out of the way (ahthankyou), we can get to the meat and potatoes of this.

The article got me thinking about some of my favorite monkeys, and then I figured I might as well just go for it and post about it. So without further ado, here are my favorite monkeys of all time:

the classic...

Mr. Burns' 10,000 monkeys on 10,000 typewriters, writing the greatest American Novel of all time..."It was the best of was the blurst of times? Damn you infernal monkeys!"

Furious George, and the monkey knife fight, which includes one of the best lines of all time. Moe comments, "he ain't pretty no more," Mr. Burns runs up and exclaims, "Furious George, what have they done to you!"

Homer's helper monkey, Mojo

Krusty's monkey, Mr. Teeny...

Family Guy's use of the evil monkey in Chris' closet

and then just the downright too funny to be true monkey:

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I no want trouble, I just want free tibet

The Dalai Lama was once quoted as saying, "Even when you lose, don't lose the lesson." Pretty damn profound stuff. Well, in this case, I am hoping for the lama's sake, that he forgets everything this guy told him while they hung out. Or wait, is that the guy from Frank TV? Nope, nope...too skinny.

Me Pretty, me take career seriously

In an effort to have her taken more seriously, Jenna Jameson, former porn star and jerk off session to every male american, has revamped her look so that she can obtain more legitimate work outside of porn. Now, I'm not really sure what was wrong with her look to begin with...

...but I can't wait til her ghost-written autobiography comes out explaining WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!! I mean, this is Jenna Jameson...hottie. porn star. over tan grandmother. she looks like a leather carry all...her armpit could be the handle...I mean jesus christ. SICK ass shit.

tell me you've seen this

You'd think she would have cried more over her Oscar performance...or was it the Emmy's she used to host? Either way, this pretty much cemented the fact that Ellen has lost her way, en route to becoming the white Oprah sooner than we all thought. I do give her sympathy, it's a terrible situation, and even worse for the kids that felt the fall out from it, but for christ sake. Cry alone in your office, like everyone else in hollywood. It's not that hard.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Zapp and Roger

Well, for everything I thought I knew, I couldn't have been more in the dark about this one. Yes, that's right. Those hilariously dressed fellows shown above actually amde a hugely signifigant contribution to music. Especially to west coast hip hop, and R & B.

For you hip hop fanatics out there, you know these guys inside and out. Taking strides further than Peter Frampton ever did, Zapp and Roger took the vocoder to a new level, incorporating it as the center of their sound.

Those of you not familiar with a vocoder, or what it does, you may remember the 90s rap anthem California Love, in which what sounds like a digitized voice says, "California...knows how to party." That's a vocoder. Not a hip hop fan? Well you've still heard that song before, so quit being a dick. Or go get Frampton Comes Alive and listen to Do You Feel Like We Feel. He employs the same instrument, but in a much more limited fashion than Frank and Zapp.

I have to give a shout out to Grady as well. Without the trip we took (to what he called 'the hood') this weekend to meet his family, I'd never have heard their works. Sure, like many passive listeners out there, I had heard 'I Wanna Be Your Man' before. Who hasn't? But the rest of their greatest hits record, which really were hits (whether we whiteys knew it or not), are fantastic.

I encourage everyone who has ever liked hip hop to check out their greatest hits records. It's kind of like listening to what the Beatles did for a generation of hip hop artists to follow. Their sound was so unique and ahead of their time, most of mainstream society wasn't sure what to think.

Well, let's flash forward to today where mainstream society does know what to think: and if record sales over the past 20 years are any indicator, Frank and Zapp's sound completely molded a vast portion of what west coast hip hop was, is, and forever will be.

And please, trust me when I say that while you may not recognize (word for word) every song on their album, you've certainly heard thenm all before, and will find yourself saying, "what is this from...I know I've heard this before." And then you'll sit there and realize, well now that I know what it is, it will be gracing your mp3 players, cd music makers, and record harmoniuses for parsecs to come.


Saturday, October 06, 2007


Found this video on yahoo today, and thought it was just too good not to share. I love the music. It fits very well with this silly little animation.


Thursday, October 04, 2007

Album Review: Le Loup

I won't even write the entire title of the album by these SubPop artists. It's too long, and it doesn't make sense to me.

I always wonder why bands make their album titles this long. It reminds me of Fiona Apple's album "When the Pawn..." that seemed to go on and on and on, literally covering the whole album cover with words. Has anyone ever read them? Nope. I may now because I'm writing about it, but beyond that, I think I'm the only human ever to really sit down and give it a read.

So what gives with all the long titles? Are they hiding behind their name because Le Loup produced a lack-luster album? As much as we'd like to think that way, it's not the case.

In reality, they've done what few other artists have done well: traversing genres to create a model record for today's indie music scene. And that's a tough thing to do, seeing as music today can't really be classified as one specific thing. There is no rule book saying that an album has to be a certain way, cause, quite frankly, it doesn't. With that said, one can't just assemble a group of musicians from different musical backgrounds, throw them in a studio, and make an epic record. If that were the case, I'd be on my 4th greatest hits album, friends with Axl Rose, and an enemy of Suge Knight.

If I wanted a short story, I'd read Tolstoy

Alas, music isn't that simple. And making a memorable record today seems to be getting harder and harder to do. Perhaps its because there's such a large influx of small bands and artists producing records. Or maybe it's because for the first time since the 90s, music listeners have gotten sick of the same old radio friendly bull shit. Either way, it's created a veritable renaissance of music, and this record is no exception.

Le Loup's strength is realizing that their sound is one that merges folk and synth pop into one thing. Think of it as Sufjan Stevens, James and Paul Simon meet the Postal Service. And even that is a bastardization. Folk is huge in indie today, from the likes of Iron and Wine (actually on SubPop, not just distro'd by them), all the way to my arch nemesis Devandra Banahart. I'm sure I spelled his name wrong. And that's fine with me. I've never seen someone try to look as 'free spirited' as he does, and it really pisses me off.

Perhaps a better example is Kings of Convenience, the Norwegian folk duo that reminds many people of Simon and Garfunkel. But they don't stop there. Their album Versus employs Fourtet, Royksopp, and Ladytron remixing thier sound, yet still retaining the folky roots.

Le Loup takes a swim

And I think that's exactly what they do here, which is why, as you can tell, I'm having a hard time describing exactly what they do. And after thinking about it, I can't say that that's necessarily a bad thing.

If you're looking for a fall record that sparkles with every polish, this is the one. Download it, try it out, and if you like it, go buy it!


Thursday, September 27, 2007

Ave Q 9/26/07

Last night my roommate and I had the pleasure of taking in one of Broadway's newest musical smashes, Avenue Q, at the Ahmanson Theatre. You can learn more about it, get tickets and show times, and all that jazz at the Center Theatre Group's website.

Winning the Tony for best new musical, I knew this was a show I had to see, especially considering my musical theatre roots (of which I don't discuss too much for obvious reasons.) I've included a video that they used to run before the London perfomances. It doesn't run anymore, but it should shed some light on just what exactly this musical thing is all about.

But still, as you look at the photo above, and what I wondered from the get go, could I really sit there and get past the fact that there were people visible behind these puppets, singing and moving with them?

The results were shocking, honestly. You get to a point where you forget the actors are there- you tune them out. Or better yet- when a puppet takes 2 people to operate it, as some do, you can revel in the sheer creative brilliance that derives from two performers working in unison. Call it the acting version of a syncopated melody.

My common complaint about musicals is that they run too long. Even the funny ones. After 2 & 1/2 hours, I find myself uncomfortable and ready to leave. Avenue Q ran at about 2 hours- perfect length for this type of show. And because it was so funny and creative in it's performance, it didn't even feel that long.

The music was great, and I found many of the songs interesting from start to finish. Most musicals often hit that low point where the female lead sings some ballad no one cares about, or a song that could be one line long and it would serve the same purpose. Not here. In fact, I almost liked the ballads more than the actual up beat "musical-y" songs.

All in all, it's a show worth seeing cause it takes ideas from our youth like Sesame Street, Electric Company, and The Muppets come to life. No, this isn't a show to bring your kids to, but at the same time, I'd leave Grandma at home too. Something about seeing 2 puppets fuck always gets to me.

Wanna hear more? Give the soundtrack a listen, or go check it out while it's still playing in Los Angeles, on Broadway, or in London.

Download the Original Broadway Cast Recording

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Great Scott!

I'm at it again! Head on over to Passion of the Weiss and see what I have in store for today.

I'm stuck at my bosses house fixing his computer, but will try and have some new content here tomorrow!

Cheers and happy reading!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

they really thought this one through

Well, they've done it. The same people that brought you seedless water melons, minature ponies, and white people bring you Vulva: vaginal scent. I can't take credit for finding this one folks. Sadly, and I'll never admit it again, but I came across it on TMZ and just had to share.

It gets even better once you pop over to their site, Smell me and .com. Just a warning, this is NSFW, unless you work in entertainment and yours cube mate likes porn as much as you do.

Anyway, not since Spanish Fly has there been such a break through in vaginal scent technology. And I wish this was a SNL ad or something, but it's not. It's the real deal.

Visiting the site, you can watch an info-mercial of sorts about what to do with the product. They make it very clear that it is NOT a perfume, but rather just the scent of a vagina that you put on your wrist, take a sniff of, and then I guess it makes you want to instantly eat pu**y.

But it has scientists at Scott's Blizzog wondering, what about all those stinky pu**ies out there? Well, from the makers of Vulva comes Arm Douche.

Yes, Arm Douche- a product designed to clean the fake pu**y smell off your arm. It even comes in a real working douche so you can kill two birds with one stone.

Tired of douching your arm? Then quit getting fake pu**y all over it!

And for you gents out there that need a synthetic smell of a pu**y before you're in the mood to actually work with a real one, might I suggest getting a blow up doll and covering her hee hee hole with it. It'll bring your fake pu**y one step closer to being real, though it will still be many many steps away from being sane. Or erotic. In fact, if you fuck a balloon with a fake peesh on it, you're a weirdo. Go buy Vulva and lick your wrist.

Coming next fall: Ode du DICK. Yes ladies, now you can finally get the smell of dick all over your hands. Now, after your boyfriend kicks you out, you can come home with pride knowing your hands were full of dick. Or at least they smell that way.

How did scientists create the smell? A group of chronic masturbators spent hours in a lab jerking off, then smelling their hands. After many tests, and even more failures, it was determined that the main ingredient would be sweat, coupled with a twinge of banana and some lilac.

Searching for that fake semen hand-moisturizer? Aren't we all! Now you can get your bottle of Ode du DICK in a phallus shaped bottle. It dispenses from the tip- just like in real life! Wow, a product we can all really use!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

NS goes big time in DC with ESL

While I admit yesterday's post was a bit malicious, I stand by what I said, and am more than willing to rebut anyone who'd like to challenge any of the statements I made. With that said, I didn't even do Emmy night justice...I just couldn't. It hurt too much to see my industry, my trade, my life TRIVIALIZED by Fox. So I'll leave it at that, and just going on in quiet contempt.

Today brings us joyous news however, as DC based artist (and long time pal of mine) Nikolas Schiller made a major move in both the art and music world. You might recognize the name Nik Schiller. I sure do. He's my friend. But you might as he's become one of the most active people in the DC area, championing small business against Wal-Mart, creating unique cartographic imagery through tessellation, and being covered in the press for years now as "DC's Colonist." (note the tri-corn cap)

And beside all of his political conquests, and his collection of maps on file with the library of Congress, he's entered new ground pioneering his art in the music world. Just recently, Nik inked a deal with ESL records for his artwork to appear as a sleeve for a vinyl remix they released.

Not only is this awesome news for him, but it also means that you too can own a piece of his artwork for your wall for the mere cost of 8 dollars. Better yet- it comes with music too! Obviously by this point, the vast majority of anyone 'in the know' is aware of Thievery Corporation, but the other DJ, Nickodemus, who's recent visit to LA I documented on this very blog, also remixes a track.

Everyone here at Scott's Blizzog wishes the best for Nik in his future endeavors, but more importantly- we're glad to see that his efforts are paying off already!

Monday, September 17, 2007

The 2007 Emmy's: how could they get any worse?

Aside from the fact that Family Guy clearly and maliciously bashed the show I work for (in the above video, 2nd verse of the song), I had high hopes for this years Emmy broadcast. Between the end of an era with the Sopranos, the beginning of a new era with 30Rock, and Kathy Griffin's acceptance speech, I thought this years could be the best ever. I was more wrong than I could have ever expected.

Right from the start I knew we were in trouble. Fox's cross promotional BS extravaganza started rolling down hill as soon as Seacrest called it an American Idol results show. Not to mention the fact that they put the show in the round. The hope behind this, of course, was that people would pay attention, as they would be on screen the entire time. But what they didn't tell us is that they didn't put any presenters or nominees in the back. Rather, they reserved those seats for the nominees agents, managers, and signifigant others. Quite ridiculous if you ask me. At one point, after James Spader beat James Galdolfini (don't even get me started), he commented, "you know, I've been to 1000 concerts, and these are the worst seats I've ever had."

But between Family guy kicking it off, Wayne Brady coming out to talk about his show, and Seacrest making Idol jokes, it was clear that Fox had given up on the idea of doing anything worthwhile. Rather, they just thrust as much of their own bull shit propaganda into the show, making it feel cheaper than ever.

There was some good to come out of the show...Sopranos was recognized as best drama, and perhaps the most shocking (but the most satisfying), 30Rock won for best Comedy. It's about freaking time we got some payback as Sally Field beat- again, BEAT Edie Falco for best female actress in a drama.

I won't prattle on about the ceremony, or who wore what, or even how pissed I am, but what I will say is that at 9:30 last night, when I realized the show was only half over, I wanted to blow my brains out.

I'll close by saying that the biggest injustice last evening was that America Ferrera beat out Tina Fey, Julia Louise-Dreyfus, and Mary Louise-Parker for best actress in a comedy series. But Ugly Betty is an hour long show on a network that wouldn't know funny if it slapped them in the tits. NEWSFLASH HOLLYWOOD: If it's an hour long, I don't care how funny it's a drama. This is the same thing that happened a few years ago when Desperate Housewives beat Arrested Development for best comedy. Desperate Housewives is NOT a comedy. Anyone who calls it one, or Ugly Betty for that matter, is less than intelligent.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not being malicious here, but that's a tricky thing for a network to do. It's a cheap ploy for ratings and awards because shows like that don't fall into a category. And maybe it's just me, but that means 1 of 2 things: either it has to be put into the category that 'best' suits it, which is BS, or HEY- it doesn't get nominated for an award! And would that really be so bad? Does Ugly Betty really need an award? Plenty of idiots will watch it either way.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

3:10 to Yuma

Last night I took it what many are considering the first of the 'fall films' this season. We all know the type...the prestige pictures that many studios release in hopes that it will garner them votes come Oscar time so that they may make more money in order to make more films that subsequently make them more money. It's a tired ideology, and an antiquated approach to movie releasing, but what can you do?

Summer movies will always be summer movies. In fact, you'd be hard pressed to find a summer blockbuster after Labor Day, save for the perpetual onslaught of horror movies since 2000, and my personal favorite D-War which comes out this weekend. But D-War is an anomaly in and of itself. Transformers could never debut in September and expect anything short of a disappointment. Conversely, try putting Schindler's List in July and see how well it does.

3:10 to Yuma is a special case however, and it's release date has been deliberated over for quite some time. I'm sure many of you have heard the dichotomy that was this movie, the ongoing battle between Russell Crowe and Loinsgate Pictures, Crowe wanting a later release date (for a more legitimate shot at another Oscar), and Lionsgate wanting to push the release to compete with the upcoming The Outlaw Jesse James. In case you missed the drama, it's been all over the press. You can find out about it here, about midway down the page, here, or here.

After it was all said and done, Crowe lost the battle, and his picture debut last weekend, winning the box office, but with pitiful numbers. The film was pretty good if you ask me. I was intrigued the whole way through. The characters were compelling, the acting was great, and the setting (as with all westerns) always gets me.

But 14 million for a drama in September? That should be praise enough. Traditionally, August and February are months where films go to die. September isn't much better either, so I'm pleased to see this movie fared as well as it did.

If you get the chance, go check it out. It's definitely one of those movies you'll want to see on the big screen. Plus, it beats the previews for American Gangster which looks like another laugh out loud Spike Lee Black Supremacist movie...which we all know I love.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

God Bless America

This video is entitled, "Internet People! - The Meth Minute 39" and I have San Russell to thank for tracking it down.

Kinda makes you wonder why we have the internet...I mean, I recognized at least half of these as actual videos I've seen. Embarassing that my life has become as simple as this. Oh, and also awesome.

New Virus May Be Killing Bees

Yahoo News reported today that a new virus may be killing off bees, explaining why we may have seen less bees this summer than previous years. An excerpt of the article:

"While the virus probably does not alone account for what scientists call colony collapse disorder, or CCD, it could help explain what is happening to bees across the United States, they said...CCD hit an estimated 23 percent of all beekeeping operations in the United States during the winter of 2006-7. "These beekeepers lost an average of 45 percent of their operations," the researchers wrote in their report, published in the journal Science.

Beekeepers do not find bees dead -- they simply find the hives nearly empty, with the queens alone and workers gone.

So just where are all these bees going? Why did it happen this year and not many years before? Is this just a part of the natural course of life? Scientists may say yes, but I think Hollywood is to blame.

Killer Bees

Since I can remember, Hollywood has tried to seduce the insect population to work for 'the biz.' Dating as far back as the Wu-Tang Clan hit, "Killer Bees," it's easy to see that this seduction didn't come easily. Killer Bees, while a successful cross over single for the Clan of Wu in many white suburban communities, it didn't have a far reaching enough impact to get the bees behind the biz (or buzz in this case).

A short time thereafter, they tried a more extrovertive approach, blatantly dressing an ugly little girl as a bee. Their mindset: if she can do it, anyone can! Yes bees...come to Hollywood, land of dreams and pollen, of queen bees and honey pots.

Shrouded in music videos and crappy catchy pop songs, their guise still wasn't enough. The Hollywood 'bee craze' of the mid 90s came and went, and the bee population returned to their normal functionality: making and producing delicious ass honey. And no I don't mean delicious-ass honey, as if delicious-ass were the adjective.

Recently though, we've seen quite an upswing in bee themed enetertainment, culminating in the recent announcent (and screening of) Jerry Seinfeld's Bee Movie.

This film attracted 1000s of bee extras, 100s of queens, and even a few gay bees as well. Since the film went into production, and after Tom Cruise took the wheel, over 100,000 bees have died, or gone missing...never to bee seen or heard from again.

I found it odd that no one had put 2 and 2 together before. It's clear that these bees are shifting their migratory patterns to wind up out west...but the country's honey production has suffered because of it. And not to sound like Karl Marx, but these bees should know their place.

I'm Cuban, B!

I mean, it's not as if I can just go join a colony of bees and help make honey. That just doesn't make sense. Plus I'd get a lot of weird looks from bees...some wondering if I'd lost my mind, others noting that they should sting me for even entering their realm.

And this reporter is inclined to agree. So before we call every industry in the universe 'equal opportunity,' sit back and think about what it does to the people that might be most qualified to work in that said profession. If we can't be bees, then they can't take jobs in entertainment away from me.

Passion of the Weiss reaches the 22nd century

Jeff Weiss circa 1942

Hey everyone...the blog has taken a back seat this week as I was in Chicago, and now am apathetically back in Los Angeles with little to no drive. I know what you're thinking: what else is new?

Well, I'll tell ya what else is new: My friend and good buddy, Jeff "Passion" Weiss has rolled out the red carpet for Passion of the Weiss, bringing it into the 22 century of html programming. I know you all have been fans of the site for ages, but it just got that much better.

So if you've got the time (and I know you do, or you wouldn't be here), come on down to his freshly updated page and show some love IP-address style.

Expect a new blog here sometime today or tomorrow. Cheers!

Thursday, August 30, 2007


Hey everyone...the newest installment of my frivolous little column "Great Scott" can be found over at Passion of the Weiss today. Come on over and check it out, ya herr!

Monday, August 27, 2007

fictitious album review

When I first heard the album by R-p-y-n-n-a N-e-backwards cursive r-a-r-e-backwards capital r, I wasn't quite sure what to think. Was it real? Does music like this actually exist? The truth is, I have no way of knowing. I found a picture of this album cover, and just had to roast it, seeing as it looks like a photo that a fashion photographer dumped in the 'no-good' pile after wrapping a shoot for JC Penny's portrait studio.

She seems like she'd be cute enough. But what's up with her hair? And that's as cold as the soviet winter that she just walked in from. Mind you, I can't imagine that Russians need to add a lot of flare to their album covers to sell music. After all, this is the first time in ages that music has even been allowed there, much less music at pictures, or (gasp) motion pictures!

This only makes me think of my favorite brand of comedy from the Simpsons, in an episode where Krusty was forced to use a different cat and mouse team, as Itchy and Scratchy went to the Gabbo show. The following hilarity ensued:

Call me a one note hack for citing a Simpsons example for everything in life, but I tend to feel like Martin Tupper's character in Dream On...always pulling memories from tv shows and films from his youth to hold parallel to events in his real life. But that's me. I just don't see the non sequitors in black and white.

Anyway, if anyone out there has heard this record by the Russian Sarah Chalke, please let me know. I would love to hear it, as it seems like it might be the funniest thing since sliced bread.

What? Don't think sliced bread is funny? Try having a conversation with it, then we'll talk. This is Scott Towler signing off...

chiming in with...

This guy has it right. I wish he'd do a piece out here in LA, cause I am sick of hipsters.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

NBC breathes new life into American Gladiators

You can't even imagine the elation I felt when I read in Variety today that American Gladiators could very well make the mid-season schedule for America's favorite '#4 in ratings' network. Running on fumes? Apparently...This is the newest-old show to be resurrected making it the biggest mistake since the second coming of Christ, and the renaissance of Family Guy, otherwise known as poop-show.

This time though, it just feels right. And I know what you all are thinking...why would I watch this show? Well, save for the roid-ridden, brain-dead, post-op-tranny muscle heads, there is only one reason: Assault.

Defamer ran an article about the show today, but they only had a clip of the opening credits...perhaps searching for humor in the hollow eyes of gladiators past. In reality though, there is no joke here. My guess is that Nitro and Gyro could come back today, bigger and stronger than ever.

Or hey, maybe they have kids and they'll play on their father's behalf. Oh...wait, wait...too many steriods means too much sterility. So no babies for Gyro.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Great Scott: Green with Angry

Hey promised, I guest post over at Passion of the Weiss today. If you have the time, come on over and check it out. The hyperlink above will take you directly to my column.

And if that isn't enough for you, maybe this is:

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Are There Really No Lady Potheads?

I stumbled across this article today by way of Gawker. I found it more than intriguing, and thought I might add some insight to the topic here. But before I do, here's a little snippet of the article in question (one that I disagree with completely), which can be found in it's entirety here:

"Men are allowed to be lazy--being stoned is part of their farting, pajama-wearing, video-game-playing pantheon of acceptable male relaxation techniques ....Their sloth is even kind of adorable. But modern women are not allowed to be lazy, adorable stoners. Women have to go to college (which they're now doing at higher rates than men), and then get their careers going quickly, before their biological clocks run out. Then they have to have kids and take them to all of their activities. There is no time for women to be slovenly and relax--and if women do relax, it has to be at a gym."

The above quotation is actually taken from a real article, and not just some quip from a less-than-informed whistle-blower at gawker, who by the end of her article called pot smoking 'retarded.' And it's worth reading the entire article, as it adds actual insight to this sociological anomally. The shorthand analysis of it at Gawker, however, is addled with absurdity and pomp.

I won't even get into how rude it is for someone to use the word 'retarded' to mean stupid, dumb, foolish, whatever our vernacular dictates that it means today. But the type of person that says, "man, that's retarded," is probably also one that uses the phrase, "that's so gay," to mean virtually the same thing. Know your words if you're a journalist, and don't belittle the retarded community because you can't think of the appropriate word to use in your so-called article.

With that said, I am not a journalist. I am an amateur writer who enjoys picking fights with his words. This just happens to be my newest conquest. And not to fear, kind readers, I am emailing Gawker and alerting them to this post. Sure their crackpot team of writers will tear me a new one, and I'm fine with that. But this post on their page came from a writer known only as 'Emily;' the title of her column simply being Femiladyism.

I am not a regular reader of her column, but I can only assume, given the title, that it revolves around issues relevant to the equal representation of women. Not just that, but also correcting some of the male driven myths in the world that tend to dominate our society. After all, for those rooted in religion, myself not included, women have been to blame since day 1.

Do I agree with this? Not in the least. But do I think that someone trying to create equality for something she thinks is important should use such derogatory words as 'retarded' simply to belittle pot smoking? And furthermore, who really cares if men smoke more pot than women. It isn't a contest. If it is, and health is involved, then good on ya women! You're winning!

I never was here to debate whether or not men smoke more than women do, though I do agree with the fact that it is, for some reason, more socially acceptable for men to do so. I did, however, set out to identify that anyone who has an opinion that bold who writes about it, and then uses the word 'retard' as a part of their social commentary on that subject...well, to me it's nothing more than a crutch that hides someone who just wanted to bitch about marijuana to begin with, and really had no opinion for or against women in correlation to the subject.

Emily, I'm ready and waiting...

hahaha just kidding

So my post doesn't go up today, it actually goes up tomorrow and that's my bad for being a smelly liar. You can find it at Passion of the Weiss first thing tomorrow, I promise.

In the meantime, here's a fun photo of me as a giraffe:

wow, don't I look like a giraffe?!

Monday, August 20, 2007

Passion Post

The third in a contuining series of articles, aptly titled GREAT SCOTT, can be found at Passion of the Weiss tomorrow, TUESDAY August 21st.

This day also happens to be my roommate's bday, so head over to Gish Brain and give him hell!

Thank you in advance! Direct connect link will be added tomorrow!

Friday, August 17, 2007

Flight of the Conchords

In case you live in a rock. And no, not under one, but actually inside a, I don't know, some feldspar or something...

what was I talking about? Ahh yes...the rock people. Well, these guys aren't rock people, they are people that rock. And if you don't watch this show, do yourself a favor and check it out, cause it's down right hilarious.

visit them on the world wide web at Flight of the Conchords or on HBO's official site right here.

Sunday night, new episode. And obviously, after seeing the above clip, you can imagine how stoked I was when I got word that they were renewed for a 2nd season today.

Don't be gay, sparky.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

the round up

-The website Red cover's the 20 Ugliest Celebrities today. It's a good laugh, trust me.

-Who wouldn't take a day off to fuck?

-Yeah, if I were Madonna, I'd probably shoot up too. Look at her gross.

-Things just keep getting worse for Don Imus...and things just keep getting more ignorant for this dumb bitch. Wait, I better watch what I say, she could sue me.

-Finally, a reality show I can get interested. I just wish it was called Lord of the Flies II: The Legend of Curly's Gold

-Fans of the cancelled series Arrested Development will rejoice at this news.

-Anybody who's anybody will be seeing Iron & Wine on tour this summer. Get with the program, ya wanker!

-if you hate Perez Hilton as much as I do, you'll love seeing his work.


-Yeah, I love to eat too, but not penis.

-Just hang it up, Jackie.

-and finally, Liz Smith qwells all our fears about Brangelina.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

LA's best

Not to completely copy other blogs of note out there (Gridskipper comes to mind), but there is an awful lot of delicious food in Los Angeles, and I think it's high time we talked about it. Today, I tackle my first food column, an analysis of what are, in my opinion, the best hamburgers in Los Angeles. Agree, disagree, agree to disagree, whatever it is...these burgers will have you salivating worse than pavlov's dog in heat. I also think it's important to note that there are two types of burgers in Los Angeles: the gourmet burger and the fast food burger. Both have stand outs among them, so I have to make sure they both get their just desserts. (ah-thank you).


Like many of you, I first heard of In-N-Out from The Big Lebowski. In that epic film, arguably one of the top 10 movies of the 90s, John Goodman's character, Walter, tells Lebowski that after they see his landlord's performance, they should head to In-N-Out. The first few times I saw the movie, I didn't know what they meant, I'll be honest. I was a Midwestern kid, and the only way I had heard of In-N-Out was from their obnoxious tee shirts that everyone seemed to have. I didn't know what it was. Quite frankly, I thought it was a place for classic cars or easy lube place of sorts. Now I know the only easy lube is KY, and the only thin patty fast food burger is In-N-Out.

This place gets it's rep for a reason. Maybe it's the speakeasy nature of ordering, debating whether to go "Animal Style" or "Protein Style" or for the more adventurous, the "4x4" (that's 4 patties, 4 slices of cheese). No matter how you slice it though, they win me over with affordable prices, fresh food (fries cut daily), and their silly hats. Trust me, when you see it, you'll crap laughter.

All in all, this is the closest to what America thinks a fast food burger is, but they take it one step further: it's actually EDIBLE and DELICIOUS. So suck it, McDonald's.

Of course Fatburger takes it one step further. Recently, Matt Groening, creator of all things holy (and The Simpsons) was asked, "What would be Homer's favorite burger place in L.A., were he a real person?" Groening could only answer one way by saying, "Fatburger." Think about it...there's nothing really healthy about eating a burger. Add cheese to it, then all the special sauce/mayonnaise, and a side of fries...we're not talking about a low calorie diet here. And this place tends to bridge the gap between fast food and gourmet by offering such add ons as a fried egg or chili. But if you want to eat it for what it is, I recommend just getting a regular old burger, just how you like it. And don't expect to see any wimpy patties here, fatburger's thing is making fat burgers. Quite literally, one can choose from a fatburger, or a king burger (even bigger). Then they have their 'triple king' challenge...if you eat 3 king patties on one bun (and cheese of course), your picture makes the wall. Yes, it's a chance for fat asses everywhere to show America what they're made of. Not to mention the fact that it also justifies Groening's call on Homer's favorite burger.

Carney's was one of the first chili burgers I had out here, and it may be the last. Sure, Tommy's and other places like that are good, but nothing compares to Carney's delicious chili on top of a double cheeseburger. And sure, Fatburger offers chili on their burger, but it's not what they're known for. Carney's, on the other hand, is. In addition to their chili burgers, they offer Chili dog's (regularly rated the best in L.A.), and a wide variety of other menu options giving one the chance to eat healthy at their local burger place.

Two locations exist, one off Ventura Blvd. in Studio City, the other off Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood. In this clash of old vs. new Hollywood, it's clear that old reigns supreme. The Studio City location is not only more accessible, but it's the original. And while it may seem fun to go up to Sunset and people watch on the Strip, the food isn't as good at that location. Really the only pro to the Sunset locale is that they offer beer as well, something that neither In-N-Out or Fatburger have on their menu. Gives you something to think about, doesn't it? That and the fact that there's something hot about a rail thin bimbo chomping down on a double chili cheeseburger. Ahhh sunset blvd...nothing beats cocaine and hamburgers after a night at the standard pretending you're cooler than you really are.

There are a number of other fast food burgers in L.A., but none of them really kick ass like these do. I'll give honorable mention to 1 and only 1: Irv's Burger Stand on Santa Monica Blvd. While you can't drive through, it's worth the walk. This is the original burger stand. It's the west coast equivalent to a hot dog stand in New York City: delicious, greasy, and surrounded by homos.

Sapiens...not sexuals. Why, did you think I meant the latter?


There's something about gourmet in Santa Monica. I'm not sure why, or how, but they like their burgers swanky. The Counter is no exception. Located in the heart of suburbia on Ocean Park Ave., the counter has been serving up some of the best burgers in LA for years. And the best part about this place: though it's short order, it's anything but short. When you arrive, you're handed a list longer than Santa's of sides, cheeses, toppings, sauces, bun types, etc. This place does it all. And just when you thought their burgers couldn't get any better, they started offering turkey burgers, veggie burgers and chicken breasts, so even the health conscious can find a home here.

The burgers, however, merely serve as the backdrop here. With options like shoe string onion rings, sweet potato fries, and their delicious chocolate chip cookies and milk shakes, it's hard not to splurge. A great place for the family or friends, they offer a great variety of micro brew beers, wine, and sippy cups for the little ones. Even your kid can get his drink on! Fuck yes!

Head down the street to The Viceroy and you can enjoy another of Santa Monica's delicious burger's at their delicious restaurant Whist. Though this burger has fallen off a bit in the past few years, it still holds up as one of the most delicious over priced burgers in town. To top that off, your surroundings aren't too shabby either. Though the burger may be somewhat normal, the ambiance is out of the ordinary. Ornate decor and bikini clad women will have you wondering, "why didn't we come here before?"

And just when you think you can't get any swankier, 25 Degrees comes along and shatters your expectations. Located inside Hollywood's Roosevelt Hotel, it's almost harder to get into than heaven. I kid. I know nothing about heaven. But I do know this burger, and I know it well. This burger is basically the equivalent of the Viceroy's in Santa Monica, but with a touch more class. Instead of outdoor summer opulence like Santa Monica, this is set in dark wood tones, with a very Hollywood feeling. A fantastic tourist attraction, and pool side service to boot, you'll feel like Cecil B. Demille cicra 1935.

But in Los Angeles, there really is only 1 gourmet burger. That of course belongs to the good people at Father's Office. No substitutions are allowed, which typically annoys me, and seating is first come first serve (otherwise you're hovering until you land a spot), but all that aside, the burger is worth the wait. Try going on a saturday afternoon and beating the rush, cause once night falls, the line waits outside the door as if it were LA's trendiest night club. An while the whole 'no substitutions' thing may throw you, this burger needs no subs. Take an amazing bun, a nice fresh arugula salad and Bermuda onions a top an Angus is to die for. It's the kind of burger people have dreams about. Really, I mean it. This burger'll make you fall in love with it and dump you on the curb after it took advantage of you. No joke. Plus, Father's Office boasts one of the most kick ass tap beer selections in the city.


So if you're in the mood for a burger this weekend, try one of these guys out. I promise you won't be disappointed. Until next time, this is Scott Towler saying, keep your grill hot, your drink cold, and your blogs free of stupid writing like this.

bon appetite!

Thursday, August 09, 2007

where am I?

Oh, I'm on the web. And today you can see my work over at Passion of the Weiss. So go there and check it out, or fear the wrath of Kahn.

Monday, August 06, 2007

3 weeks later

By now, I hope many of you, if not all of you have seen this clip. It's pretty impressive, not only because they learned the dance moves (all 200 of 'em), but that they were allowed to talk inside a Philippino prison. Last I heard, and after seeing that lovely Claire Danes film Brokedown Palace, you weren't even allowed to eat anything but cockroaches, and everyone had dyssentery. I guess conditions have improved since the first gay warden started running the place.

Watch and enjoy. Happy monday.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Chromeo/Van Damme

Hey's been ages, I know. I got this video via a post on myspace, and have to give a major shout out to my homeboy Ben for finding it (possibly making it?)

Anyway, the music is not the original from the movie, it's actually a track called "Call Me Up" from Chromeo's new record Fancy Footwork. Do yourself a favor and check it out, cause it's fantastic.

Also, this video is hysterical, so watch it over and over again.

Van Damme forever!

Monday, July 23, 2007

e- field trip

Today my blog takes a vacation over to Passion of the Weiss, which can be found in my link list to the right.

For the direct link to my most recent work there, simply click any of these words right here that are a different color than the rest of the post. it's really quite simple. I'll keep writing until you click it. See...there you go. Good dog.

Friday, July 20, 2007

The Legend of Zelda

Call me whatever you want to, but this is the coolest thing since sliced bread. And you shoulda seen me after sliced bread...I was all like, "wholy shit, sliced bread! This is amazing! It's like, it's bread, but it's sliced!"

So you can only imagine how I was when I first saw this.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

11 Things Women Don't Know About Men

Ahh, gotta love that Yahoo News. Once again, they have blessed us with a list of things that pertain to the relationships between men and women. Hard hitting news? You betcha. It's just as relevant as these guys, and much more relevant than these idiots.

With that said though, I think it's important we once again get into this article and dissect it for what it is: pomp and bull shit. As per usual, the article will be in regular font, while my comments will follow in italics. Let's get started, shall we?

"11 Things Women Don't Know About Men
by Evan Marc Katz

1. Getting angry at us for not reading your mind is like getting angry at yourself for not being able to fly. It's not just futile, it's physically impossible.

The dude has a point. The way to get around this is to become a psychic. No, seriously. Or just date really loud obnoxious women that speak their mind all the time. Then, right before you go insane from all the blathering on and on, tell her you slept with her sister...girls hate that.

2. Yes, we do think Jessica Alba is hot. Sometimes we're even dumb enough to admit it.

Who is this boner? Jessica Alba? This guy must be gay because you don't need permission to say that a celebrity is hot. Some people are, others are not, and I think that was what Lorenzo Lamas was really trying to achieve with that show he had. What was that called? Oh yeah, hot or not. That's right. Now, as for being dumb if we admit that Jessica Alba is hot...I'd feel dumber if I called Eva Longoria hot as she looks like the taco bell dog married to a baguette. A French baguette.

3. Don't ask us to understand your shoe fetish. Asking us to respect it is even sort of pushing it.

Yep, this guy is totally gay. Sorry I doubted it at first. What straight man gives a fuck if his girl has a shoe fetish? We like baseball, but you don't see bitches freaking out about that now do you? I think the real lesson we're learning here is to never buy Evan Marc Katz dating book, or join his dating site, cause clearly he is clueless. Like, Alicia Silverstone and shit.

4. You do look good without makeup, just not as good as you look with it.

Why you shallow little prick. You must date some ugly bitches, cause all I can say is that make up should be used to accentuate, not hide. And personally, I like my woman au naturale. That means naked. hee hee. Anyway, this guy who thinks women are clueless about men has already talked about shoes, make up and mind reading. So clearly he's a post op tranny.

5. Ever notice how we don't fight with our male friends? That's why we get so frustrated when we fight with you.

Hey dude, ever notice how we don't fuck our male friends either? We also don't skinny dip with them, cuddle, spoon, or say sweet nothings to them. But, and I feel like I am reiterating the same thing over and over here- women aren't men! Get over it, ya chach!

6. You care what you're wearing infinitely more than we do. In fact, if you're naked when you open the front door, you won't hear an argument from us.

Women don't wear clothes for their men, they wear clothes so they feel good about themselves. And herein may be why this guy has a dating site, but not a date-in-sight. Because he just doesn't get it. And yet, somehow- he's making a career for himself writing. Good for you, little buddy. Maybe in your next life you can do pedicures in K-town.

7. You don't like to get hit on in public, you don't want to date online and you don't want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting. Because if it is, we're all over it.

Aww...are you being funny, mr. writer? It's soo sweet of you to try, but you only come off as a douche. Plus its like- pigeons? Gross. And courting? Did you really just say that? What, did your chess match just end, and your glass of port is empty? Go back to your retirement home, turdface!

8. There should a statute of limitations on stupid things that we said that can come back to haunt us. I propose 24 hours.

I COULD NOT AGREE MORE. Especially when we say the wrong name during sex. One time, mid thrust, I called a girl...wait a second, this ass hole set me up!

9. Cooking dinner for a man is like buying flowers for a woman, except it takes a lot more time, effort and thought for you to do it. Thanks. We appreciate it.

Ok buddy, you're two for two now. Don't blow it. You were right on number 8, and right on number 9, but that doesn't mean a tic-tac-toe is on the way. Don't get greedy.

10. We actually like your girly pet-names for us, but please, not in front of the guys!

And you blew it. Just like you blew...a balloon up earlier. Which seems somewhat non-sequitor, but I respect what you're trying to do. Either way, I prefer when a woman uses her pet names in front of the guys. As long as they aren't names like, "Fido" and "Rex." Otherwise, I think it's bragging rights, cause it makes all your friends realize how empty their lives are without a good woman in it. That, and I'm a dick, so the two work well together.

11. Just because we like looking at the women in Maxim doesn't mean we want to actually converse with the women in Maxim. Not for long, anyway.

Hardy har har, ya baguette. This is the same as the Jessica Alba comment from before, and according to the title of your little list, should be the last one, right? 11 things women don't know. And yet somehow, there is a number 12 below who's the moron here? I mean besides you, Katz. What editor didn't catch this glaring error? Fire him. Literally- throw his ass in a kin, and bake that shit. Also, that whole "not for long, anyway," comment...who are you? Is that supposed to be an allusion to sex? If so, why not say this: I'd fuck all those maxim girls, but then come home to you honey. At least then you'd sound straight instead of playing coy here like a fucking diva.

12. Your nice guy friends are the most reliable source for telling you if your new boyfriend's a jerk. And he probably is. (By the way, you might want to consider marrying that nice guy who's giving you advice about the jerk.)"

Yeah, I was right. 12 points on an 11 point list. Nice work, dipshit. First of all- women will never take advice about men from a man. Just realize that. Really, what this list has been for you is the 12 things you had go wrong in your miserable life, and now you're going all Garden State to win some sympathy. You then go and make note of your dating site, so that when some poor sappy bitch reads this, she'll look up your profile, ask you out, and give you the title to your next book: How to Succeed in Business by TRYING REALLY REALLY HARD.

Your shit smacks of effort, and seems fake as hell.

And that's all I got kids! Stay tuned as I may be doing a guest post early next week over at Passion of the Weiss.

Monday, July 16, 2007

just how indie is your indie?

My roommate sent me this video saying that it, "pretty much sums me up."

Well you know what sums you up, jerko? Two numbers added together.

Yeah, that's right. I used addition to make fun of you.

And obviously, as you can see, I'm not bitter about it.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

5 tips for better travels

Recently, my roommate and I took a man-cation to Carbondale, CO. After experiencing a total of 27 hours in a car, I've come up with 5 tips that should ensure you have a fun and happy trip.

Don't drive through the desert

Sure, it may look pretty here, but deserts suck. They suck ass. At one point on our drive to Colorado, it crested 113 degrees. On our drive back, it hit a whopping 122 degrees. Add them together and that's even hotter. And for those of you who know me, and know much I sweat, this is not good for 12 hours in a car. Ever. Especially when you have a roommate who takes pleasure in turning off the AC until you notice (only because a bead of sweat has gone into your eye, making it impossible to scoff the passers-by in other cars. There was a moment when I almost fainted I was so damn hot. And as if that wasn't bad enough, we had to drive by a state trooper that was just sitting in his bubble of power and AC, stroking his gun, just waiting for me to do something 'suspect.' I blame deserts on Al Quaida, and I think you would too, had you been there.

Fast food isn't fast, and often your order is incorrect

As you can read in my roommate's blog, most people are idiots. I am inclined to agree. Is that because I think I'm better or smarter than everyone? Yeah, sure, what the hell. But what shocks me is that these people- the people that all they have to do is punch a button on a fu$&ing computer and hand you your McDonald's breakfast...they can't even do that right! We stopped at a McDonalds on our way back, and I order a sausage biscuit. She serves me a sausage biscuit with egg. Had I wanted a sausage biscuit with egg, I would have said that. It's not like if I order a hamburger I get a fucking dumb are these people? What pisses me off even more is that we had these people in front of us that had apparently never been to a McDonalds before (also suspected mexican members of the Al Quaida group), so they didn't know what they were doing.

girl beaner: well, what do you want to drink?
guy beaner: I don't know, my jean shorts are so long they should be pants.
girl beaner 2: that has nothing to do with your order.
guy beaner: well, whatever I order- make sure it's cooked 'lazy' style.
McDonalds employee: Sure. Would you also like to hold up the line while you grope your ugly girlfriend in front of a bunch of people who clearly have some place better to be?

But hey, at least the spoke English. I am all for diversity, racial equality, etc. But a stop later that day had me wondering...we popped in at a Jack in the Box outside of was connected to the gas station where we filled up, so naturally, as men (who perpetually seek the best time record on any road trip known to god), we thought this would be the quickest bet.

So I stand there and listen to Tokyo and Tokyo's daughter babble on like chickens- chickens that speak asian- and they order. The woman, who has smiled at me by now, indicating that she too has had enough of Iwo Jima and her sucky sucky, hands them their receipt. But oh no, let's not forget about that language barrier! They stand their, inspect their order, then order I'd say....4 more meals. They walk away, I approach the counter. "Yes, I'd like a--"

...interuption from a fucking moron please.

This damn bird like woman walks up again and orders even more sumo sauce for her rice puff cereal, and finally they are done. The dust settles, and then I proceed to wait 10 (at least) minutes for my food to be prepared. Was it worth it? Well let me answer that question with another...did it not give me fodder here?

I guess I'm just sad cause it's such a shame to see those Japanese tourists spend all their slot machine winnings on Jack in the Box tacos.

Don't ever drive from Las Vegas to Los Angeles...just don't

Especially on a holiday weekend. We made record time going from Colorado to Vegas. An 8 hour trip in virtually 7 hours...but once we hit vegas it was over. I thought my roommate was going to go on a killing spree. We switched from AC to windows down at least 10 times. We waited in awful awful traffic for what seemed like ages, only to discover that there was no accident, no nothing. Just a bunch of LA idiots bobbing and weaving through traffic as if they had some place to be. Well they did. WE ALL DID. And I know what most of you are thinking...I drive like a maniac as well. But ha ha! I wasn't driving. So take that, skeptics!

I guess it wouldn't have been so bad of a drive if it wasn't the tail end of the trip, but that leg between LV and LA is brutal. As soon as traffic speeds up, it slows down. And worse yet, once it finally clears up, it jams again as you are bottlenecked into a 'produce check point.' Now, this check point would make sense, but it's well after the California border. If you have a Uhaul full of laborers and illegals, they could hop out well before this random search area appears.

State Troopers: Naturally, they clock us at 88

And naturally, we weren't going 88. Luckily we just got a warning, but it's like...we had the car on cruise control. 83 in a 75...not all that absurd. I heard once from a city cop that they won't pull anyone over unless they are exceeding 8 miles above the speed limit. But apparently, and I should slap my own wrists for being so idealistic, they can just make up whatever speed they want.

Now, I'm not one to bad mouth the law. But it's job is to protect and serve. Again, the idealist in me comes out, as I analyze that statement. Protect and serve. So basically: uphold. Well, if it's their job to uphold the law, who polices the police? If a cop has to swing around a highway and then drive 100 mph to catch up with us, isn't he breaking the law too? Yes. But if I try and arrest him, or pull him over, I go to jail.

Oh my god, I've gone crosseyed.

Look out for RV's, or be in one

RV's suck, unless you're riding in one. That's the only exception really. Now, I've never ridden in one, so I'll just stick with: they suck.

The roads, especially through the deserts for some reason, are over crowded with semi trucks hauling too much weight, pick up trucks hauling 4-wheelers, and RV's. Loads and loads of them. Most of them tow a car behind them, others simply drive like a blind person with the brain capacity of an ice cube, and even more decide to pass trucks going uphill, right as you were about to pass both of them.

I hate RV's. And typically, not to generalize, the people who step foot out of them make me hate them even more. Sleeveless shirts (and they're straight...), nascar hats, ugly painted tee shirts with coyotes or looney tunes on them. Fat children, all playing xbox on the drive, not even taking in the majesty of this great nation.

Essentially, they are trailer parks on wheels. And we all know how I feel about trailer parks...this one below is in Nevada.

Hey...wasn't Nevada a state I just drove through? Hmm...

Anyway, follow these simple rules, and you can be certain to have a much more pleasurable experience on the road than we did. So be safe, wear sunglasses, and take note at just how crappy the west can be!