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Friday, June 30, 2006

a backseat

I've been travelling, had visitors, and just locked a full time job that will last me til september. Sadly that means that the blog isn't getting its due attention.

I know I missed last week's album of the week, but next week I'll double down to make up for it.

the wedding in St. Louis? Amazing. Captured so amazingly with the photo below that I thought you all might like to share in the fun.

more bloggy next week!

ST



the happy couple...to an eon of happiness and 26 healthy babies!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

international conspiracy



It's interesting to me that no one else is calling foul play against the US this world cup season. I saw the signs, and it opened up my eyes, I saw the signs. And yes, life is demanding, and maybe for once, it actually is 'without understanding.'

At least in this case, I mean...what is going on here? US has to play Ghana 9 on 9 because some biased 'not from America' fucker decides he hates W's policies. Well, that ain't good enough for me. And then today's controvertial call...like, come on. Clearly the world hates America, and clearly we're not going to go anywhere in this cup, whether we earn it or not. It's been decided for us. And thank the gods that this whole controlled fate, this manifest destiny, was bestowed upon us...because it gives me a chance to view it as a metaphor for just exactly what everyone thinks about us.

Basically, I've come to determine that we're fucked.

dirty too.

in the ass.

and this isn't a problem for the Germans, they do it all the time. Hell, they get grossed out by vaginal sex. ha. that's funny.

this post took an unexpected turn for the gross, and for that I am sorry. In summation, someone needs to stand up for us. But the thing is we can't, because we already stand up for every damn thing else. Ever heard the expression 'pick your battles' ? Well, this is a case where we've just gotta hold our tongues and try and come back in 2010.

The world is playing soccer, and they didn't invite USA.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

grrr baby, very grrr

So...as I sat here today, biding my time as so many lost souls do, Charlie and I got to talking. We determined that the greatest story ever told has got to include a t-rex...because, well it just makes sense.

I don't care if it's Ernest goes to Jurassic Park for an hour and a half of crap- it will still be one of the top 10 films of all time cause it will have a kickin t-rex in it.

And I know what you're thinking...Initially, and its easy to think this way, one realizes that there are far more than 10 films with T-rexes in them, so how could one person just throw all those others to the wind? I mean, is a black and white t-rex any less viable than one in color? Is one made of clay more serious and real than a CGI t-rex? And what about Animated films? Can we even include them? Land of the Lost would have to be in my top 3. And then the actual live action Land of the Lost would be number 2.

Jurassic Park would take spots 3-6, seeing as a 4th one (directed by senor Spilbergo himself (maybe it'll be good again)) is in preproduction.

So that leaves spots 7-10 and of course #1 open. What would fill these slots? What are the best dino movies in cinematic history?

And another thing, does Godzilla count, or is he a lizard and just some radical DNA modified modern-day iguana? I think so. In fact, on my new series, tentatively entitled pre-historic beasts vs. modern marvels, episode one (or the pilot episode as we call it in hollylwoodland), pits a t-rex against godzilla's little brother, jesus-zilla. Hey, its a joke, it didn't work, but I went for it. And I know this is how Dane Cook did it, cause his shit sucks, but his delivery is top notch.

Anyway, I don't have the man power to go through every movie since 1896, so I can't name numbers 7-10 today, but I do know the number one t-rex movie of all time. Chances are it was written, made and shot for 100,000 that originally airied on the sci-fi channel a decade ago...but I think once you see the poster, and realize the true genius of the key-artist on it, you'll feel the same way I do. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the number one grossing t-rex movie (that's a lie) of all time:

Monday, June 19, 2006

In the year 2000...

Ok, so not the year 2000, but just the number.

As of earlier today, I am proud to announce that my blog received it's 2000 visitor since March 6, 2006. That might not seem all that crazy to the big boys out there like gooogle.com and myspace.com, but rest assured, it means a lot to me, and it should mean even more to you.

I'm not kidding, so take a second and realize that besides the 1000 hits on this site from me, seeing as I am my own biggest fan (and enemy), you all made this possible.

We may be mid-2006 here, but I see great things coming for us here!

keep reading, and I will keep on writing. You stay classy, planet earth.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

album of the week- week 9


The Album Leaf- In a Safe Place

Its odd to add commentary to music that is designed to be the background for moments in life that one would even comment upon.

Ever wake up to music you don't recognize, and then once you actually come-to, its a song you've known all along...well, there's not a better way to describe this one. Its as if someone took what they thought twilight sounded like, fed the data into a computer, and this is what it churned out.

I'll be breif in critique, because at the right moment, I think this album is as good as any other, but I will say that different tracks on this seem to fit in different places. While this is a cohesive effort, there's really nothing about this music that makes it stick together. For that reason, whenever you hit a moment in life where you feel like you're in a movie and there should be a soundtrack, consult this library of cinematic-moment friendly tunes. The perfect way to make a prom night melodramatic, or cry away your night in a big city for the first time. For drives into los angeles from the 5 at night...seeing the city light up the earth. For that time when Cohen got the girl.

for when I knew I found my calling.

Rating: 8 / 10

Friday, June 16, 2006

todo, part 2

So I kept thinking and thinking...why would Britney want to do this? She's on the way out...shouldn't she save her money for her 1 (and one on the way) child, and not blow it all now? Just when I thought I had to give up on this mission of figuring out what her freakin deal is, I stumbled upon the cryptex that unlocks the entire story. This keystone clue should wrap it up for all of us.




she just loves another man...which, while I thought otherwise at first, I've now figured out is good for her kid. And the next one too.

I had some babies down in namibia

It was announced today, or maybe yesterday that the always affable Britney Spears has contacted Namibia's tourism board with inquiries about having her second child there. Good for her, huh? Wow! First, she tells Barbara Walters she would hook up with Angelina, now she's just wants to be her.

And it makes sense to me, for Brad and Angelina...I mean they are 2 of the biggest stars in the world...on an international scale. Everyone knows them- in Asia, Europe, even Africa. And maybe less so there, so it makes sense to me that they would want to go somewhere remote like that so they could have their peace and just live a regular existence...but Britney, born out of N'orleans brothels? Yeah, she really needs that privacy.

No, unless she's running from K-fed, she's got no reason to go there. I mean, think about it. Here's what it looks like:



look at that trek...and what about little Sean Preston? Will he go? Could a lion eat him? That would be funny. To me. Ok, so killing babies isn't funny. UNLESS a lion eats them, then I think we all agree that its as funny, if not funnier, than any Carrot-Top act I've ever seen.

Anyway, I just wanted to gripe about Clitney Spears cause she annoys me to no avail. Once trailer trash, always trailer trash. No matter if you go to Africa or not. Also- sidebar for a second...

K fed in Africa? This dude?



I mean, can someone say AIDS?

Thursday, June 15, 2006

big brother is watching



I wish this post were a joke, I really do. But sadly it isn't, and it may never be. Well, actually...once I finish it and post it, it won't ever be. Anyway...



My roommate and I, oh- this is my roommate by the way...pretty goofy lookin, huh? yeah, try telling him that. Anyway...he and I have come up with some fantastic ideas since we joined forces out here in October of 2004. I'm not kidding either. And don't think for one second that I'm talking about some stupid home video we thought was funny and would then force America to sit through. Oh no. I mean real- marketable- good ideas that studios just can't keep their hands off.

What kills us though, is that when we have an idea, we get excited about it, we ponder it, plan it, and just make it as good as it can be. But there's a catch. What can 2 twenty-something's from the midwest (ok, midsouth) do with an idea that needs to be sold right now, this second?

Quite frankly, the answer is nothing. We can't do shit. If there was a channel for young people to get their voices heard, I would certainly want to be a part of it. If there was a way for me to create this for some studio or network, then I would. I would be the administrator and organizer.

You're laughing. Why? What about this is funny to you? You think I'm full of it? That my ideas have never been and will never get used? Maybe some examples would help...

today, it was announced to the general public that the Conan movie will be remade. Read all about it at defamer (in the links to the right) or in an issue of Variety or the Hollywood Reporter. Go ahead, I dare you. Now, this was something Grant and I had been talking about since over a year ago. Now its happening.

In february of this year I wrote a spec script of the hit NBC series 'The Office' called 'Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.' What happened? Well, obviously they didn't use the exact plot line I had, but they did make an episode of that exact idea.

The year before, when Grant and I were still lowly pages here at NBC, we had an idea for a show called Pages. It was about me and Grant living in this page life and pointing out how absurd this place is to outsiders. And how annoyed we got with the calibur of some of the people we worked with. It was a satire. I wrote 6 episodes of it.

Then, later that year, the lovely Tina Fey pitches a show called 30 Rock, about NBC studios at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, NYC, NY. Sure, that's all well and good. But who is the comic relief? The bumbling idiot that adds to the hilarity of the show (or sort of hilarity)??? A fucking page.

Listen people, these are just a few of the instances. We log every one of them. And let me tell you this...

we're done sharing. All you people who love to laugh, and giggle at what we say...well we hope you liked it. Its over.

One of you has been leaking our ideas, or put a wire in our place or something...and you went and ruined it for everyone.

How do you live with yourself?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

that's a whole lotta balls!



No, I'm serious. That's the most balls I've ever seen photographed together, since the last year before higher-education went coed in the 50s and 60s.

I know it seems arbitrary, and yes, balls are everywhere all the damn time...but it dawned on me that I've never been to a ball factory. I want to go to one. I want to take a tour of one of those huge facilites where they make these balls and those giant tubes that kids slide around on and crawl in. I know, seems ridiculous. But what's more ridiculous is that I move all the way to LA, and I go to target, and we buy a huge rubber ball for laughs, and I check the printed label and it says made in St. Louis.

Never in all my years in St. Louis did I see a ball factory. And you know what- maybe if I had, I would have stuck around longer. Cause who doesn't want to hang out in a ball factory. It would be like sitting on a cloud watching God create earth. Literally.

I'm ball crazy.

other news? clearly none, I mean...I am talking about balls here people.

Monday, June 12, 2006

album of the week- week 8



Gnarles Barkley- St. Elsewhere

Far be it for me that I would ever assume I was the only one listening to, reviewing, or deciding on who should listen to what. That's why this week's post comes to us from a guest author, my roommate and more-than-legible-bachelor (yes I said legible) Grant Gish. Former stranger turned confidant, I asked for his quips on this week's album.

First, let me thank the young bearopotamus Scott Thomas Towler for letting me take over his music review for the week. Scott, you will be rewarded with a laundry basket full of whatever it is you bearopotamus’ eat…perhaps Taco Bell Crunchwraps and raw fish?

This weeks CD: Gnarls Barkley’s “St. Elsewhere.”

While I have never been a hip-hop or rap fan, other than rap of the old school a la Eazy E, Rappin’ 4 Tay, or even L’il Troy (“wanna be a baller”), I decided to give the new Gnarls Barkley CD a listen after hearing the very radio friendly “Crazy.”
As I popped the CD into my Bentley’s dashboard 36-disc changer, I had already formed an opinion of what I was about to hear, call it judging a CD by its cover. I expected more of the same ghetto pop along with maybe a couple of solid tracks. What I found was a blender full of sounds; Gorillaz mixed with Outkast infused with a dose of horror movie and a splash of throwback East coast beach music. It was as if Gnarls had crawled inside my head and written a soundtrack to my nightmares…my beautiful nightmares.
The songs range from radio happy (Crazy, Smiley Face), to spooky (Boogie Monster), to carnival-esque (Just a Thought, St. Elsewhere), and I am pretty sure I caught a song about necrophilia in there too...yikes. More importantly, I noted that at least 7 of the 14 songs were Gish friendly, songs that are bearable to even those who hate loud, obnoxious music. This is not rap, nor hip-hop, but more soul-soaked party music.
Gnarls exceeded all my expectations and is best summed up thusly:
St. Elsewhere is a good disc for a rowdy night out, riding in a car packed full of friends, windows down, stereo cranked, beers open but hidden, and only a few brain cells functioning. Great fun.

Download this:
If you haven't already heard "Crazy," download it now. If you have heard it, which is likely, try "Smiley Face, " which will probably be their next radio hit.

Rating: 7 / 10

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

album of the week- week 7 [.5 edition]

Rogue Wave- 10:1

You hit that lull midweek and you just want a few tunes to kick it with for your commute home. This week's selection is a mere 4 tracks...but fierce they are. Don't be deceived, this band, also on subpop like so many other 'hey, we're indie too!' bands of today blend together. Especially on that label...I mean come on...whoever made Iron and Wine a mainstay with indie kids I will never forgive. They are just too good to be shared. The same can be said here. And the exact opposite has occurred.

Rogue Wave, at first consisting of just one man, Zach Rogue, was originally just an acoustic outfit somewhere in the pacific northwest. Now, as many true music lovers know, Seattle has once more become a haven for musicians of today. This time, their genre du jour is indie, and everything from Death Cab for Cutie to Death from Above 1979 has made a strong presence there. Another band, which you'll find in my links to the right, dwells there as well. The Color Bars- a lovely melodic jaunt into what it sounds like when baby boomers produce Beatles listeners...but that's a conversation for another time.

This EP was used on the OC...oh joy...but not as bas as one thinks...while their comercially released 'show mixes' seem to merely dust off what they've traversed, don't be fooled. Its the transition music that makes the OC better than it could be. Thus is the case here, seeing as the track 'Interruptions' opened an episode in season 2, showing the lovely cohen family doing what they do best: bagels.

Don't let 4 dollars slip by without giving these guys a chance.

Download: Wait For It

Rating: 5 / 5*

* EP's aren't rated out of ten cause few of them even have ten tracks. A more narrow scale here. % is superior, 1 is awful, and 3 is somewhere in the "I heard that one song, maybe they're good' vein.

peace!

week 8: guest author, and former stranger turned best friend/roommate Grant Gish reviews Gnarles Barkley's St. Elsewhere

Monday, June 05, 2006

album of the week- week 7


Architecture in Helsinki- Fingers Crossed

I realized the weekend has come and gone and this post finds us all a day later than planned, ok, I realize that. I do. And I'm sorry. Things have been...well...hot. And I mean temperature wise. Like so hot I can't even work on my computer in my bedroom because it's so fucking hot that sweat drips out of sweat. Literally- its so hot its self-referential. In any event, today we saw a bit of a break in the heat, and so I thought I would take this time to get back to it...eagerly!

With that said, this week's album is one that many of you might not know. A blend of almost folk with indie and what I like to call 'theatrical' music, these guys really have found a unique sound. The same can be said for their second effort, In Case We Die, but I find this album to be their seminole work so far.

Highlights include "Souvenirs" and "Where You've Been Hiding," two tracks so different and yet eerily similar one can easily see how they came from the same group and yet could be from totally different points in their career.

That's the funny thing about debut albums, as this was their first. More often than not, these bands get together and start writing material and writing and writing and they end up with a year or two's worth of material, totaling 30 tracks...and that's awesome, don't get me wrong...but when did they find their sound? Around track 16. So maybe the only ones they could pull for a cohesive album are those last 15 they did. Or maybe, as some groups do, they embrace the diversity in their sound, and release those last 10 tracks, and then their first 4 along with it just to show what they can do, or where they came from.

And that's the beauty of this album. Almost echoing Sufjan Stevens or Broken Social Scene, they use every and any instrument that they can play, or at least can get a tone out of. It's a complete experience and a full sound. Ranging from straight indie to rock opera to a smooth and twilight sounding home listening album, this disc is perfect for all occasions. Just don't be surprised if that stupid asshole in the muffler on wheels next to you shouts out, "What are you listening to, loser? Is that a girl singing?"

Sometimes yes, but regardless- its better than any puddle of mudd stained bull shit that they rock to with their friends and their high school diplomas.

Download: Souvenirs

Rating: 8 / 10

Friday, June 02, 2006

contribution: resolution

So, 2 days ago I left a query at the end of my post. No one responded. No biggie. Didn't think anyone would, or if they already knew, then they didn't need to impress me. I mean, I'm just one man after all.

Anyway, I asked about our monkey I named Dishes. And he was purple.

The answer stems from a Simpsons episode where the teachers are about to strike and Ms. Krobabple is speaking at a rally. Bart shows up in the back of the crowd and says, "Skinner says the teachers will crack at any time."

AS the words get passed, and quite frankly, so true to human behavior...it muddles and changes. Like the game telephone. And of course, in every classroom game of telephone there is one dick head or bully who messes it up just to mess it up. So by the time it gets to Ms. K, the person says,

"Skinner says the teachers'll crack at any time, purple monkey dishwasher."

pure genius. Thus our purple monkey got the name dishes.