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Thursday, March 30, 2006

the curse of the bambi

What a cursed deer. I mean, with a name likee Bambi...we all saw it coming. The onomonopeia BAM says it right there. The deer is dead. Deal. I just wonder what Disney was thinking because to me, and this is just me talking here, I just really thought these were kids movies. And yeah, sure they were...but the adults were there too. And what kind of self respecting parent takes thier kid to a movie like this? It just blows my mind. And don't give me that, they didn't know what they were getting into bull shit. Allow me to set the scene...

Its your day with the kids...You've just piled into the station wagon, gotten popcorn, 4 jr. sodas, and movie tickets for what seems like the whole block. Did your neighbor have another kid? Why am I counting more than I have. Ah damn it, Billy sneaked in the car. I hate that fucking kid. "Sure Billy, just put on your seatbelt. I SAID PUT ON YOUR GOSH DARN SEAT BELT." These were the days when Gosh and Darn were swear words. A time when the wonder years was based on. A time when a plumber could still drive a new car, and support a family of 4. Simple days, when we sent our college bound sons to die in a rice patty, knife in his back. When Kent State was all but looming. And you take your kids to see Bambi.

Anyone that walks in and sees cute bunnies and deer and all that crap- you just know something bad is bound to happen. Besides, you're from the Flinstones generation. Sure you're an army brat and your dad never let you watch cartoons, NOR were they in color. But you knew who Fred was. You knew it was Barney who would cause a ruckus. Your parents knew that it was just an animated version of the odd couple, set before the dawn of man. You also knew about a character named Bam Bam: a hormunculus of a man who carried a club and destroyed everything.

Now, introducing Bam Bam s a classic sit com move. A show is dwindling in numbers, lets introduce some new characters and try and win back some of this audience we lost. And it worked. It even spawned a series of cross over films where the Jetson and the Flinstones had BBQ's together. ANYWAY...

You sit down in this movie theatre, kids everywhere, sceaming, crying, laughing. Finally the lights go low. Bambi: the story of a deer who lost his mama. After this film ends, you walk outside. Keep it together Charles, you think as you try and smile at the neighborhood you're now driving home. You feel a tug at your leg. Its Billy. And for once, Billy isn't annoying as hell.

"Mr. Johnson, why did Bambi's mam die?"

Oh how precious...how can I answer this.

"Well, Billy. Everyone dies. All things die. You'll die, your parents will die, that's the nature of life."

No, that won't work. He's 6 for christ sake. Think damnit THINK!

"Because they needed something to make a sequal out of."

"Whats a squeakwal?" He asked, eyes wider than before. Billy was learning. He liked Mr. Johnson.

"Why that's a device that will someday be so overused it will lose all meaning. Essentially, a sequal is like a second chapter of a book. There's more story to tell."

"I'm reading a book at home. I'm on chapter 6."

"Good for you Billy, good for you."

From that moment on, you knew this film had affected you, and names like Bambi and Thumper are forever engrained in your head.

Flash forward...Billy is in college...he's smoked a hooter with his friends. He's watching Diamonds Are Forever and James Bond is his idol. He's the coolest motherfucker ever.

"Ooh, what's he doing at this pool?"

On Screen:

I'm Bambi

and I'm Thumper.

Ok, dead give away. bambi never lives, the bitch is gonna die. And what happens? She does die! All Bambi's die. Its an effin curse.

Flashforward. again. Billy's son is watching Emeril.

Bam! Lets kick it up a notch!

audience applause

Yeah, you know what Emeril, lets not and say we did. Emeril did that for damn near 5 years. He was huge. But like all Bam's in the world, it too died.

Don't name your kid Bambi. Unless you know they're going to turn out really sexy. Then you can, that's ok.

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