birds flew...
wellsy wellsy wellsy...
Here we are once more. Another day, another blog.
Hey, I just heard from a friend of mine that told me something. Something SCARY. She said that bird flu will be in Alaska within 3 months or something nutty like that. Which means, conservatively speaking, that it will be here in 4 months, maybe 5 if we're lucky. Does that mean that we are going to give up on chicken and other fowl mere because some pidgeon in asia got the sniffles? You're fucking right it does. I ain't getting no bird flu. Not-uh, not me. No way! Fuggedaboudit.
So I have decided to make some changes so that this flu doesn't affect me. I have created a plan through deductive reasoning that I think anyone can follow very easily, and hope you all take seriously. We're talking about a chicken's life here!
1- Do you ever stop and think about how much chicken we actually consume each year? Everytime we eat a chicken breast, a leg, a thigh, etc., a chicken dies. I mean, we can't just eat a chicken breast and leave a one-breasted chicken running around. There is so much substance in a chicken breast, the thing would be totally lopsided, it would either fall over or run around in circles. And maybe its just me, but if I saw a chicken running around in circles, my first thought would be dimentia of a chicken...then I would think about what causes dimentia...and immediatley blame it on bird flu. Any of you ever had the flu? I did once...my parents gave me benadryll cause nothing else was working. Yeah, definetely woke up at like 4 am, got dressed, got in the shower, and lathered myself up. My parents, suspicious of what I was doing at that hour, came in to make sure I was ok. When they asked me what I was doing, I replied, "Getting clean. There's dirty mexicans everywhere. I have to scrub my skin clean." Apparently Shakespeare was right about the blood on the hands...Anyway, apply that situation to birds, and you can bet your ass I ain't eatin a fucking crazy chicken. But I have digressed...the real point of point #1 was to cite that we, on average, as omnivorous human beings, consume over 150 chickens each year. Not because we hate these creatures, or we have something against them...but people just love chicken. I'm as guilty as the next person. It's lean, tender, juicy. Its everything I look for in a woman AND it's edible. Spare me your box-chowing jokes, this isn't the time or the place. I'm trying to have a serious discussion about bird flu, and all you want to do is go right to the gutter. For shame.
2- So what will we really miss most from chickens during the bird flu? Fried chicken, right? There is a way to get the same sort of effects of fried chicken without actually consuming the bird itself. Simply go to your local KFC or Popeyes, ask for a bucket of extra crispy chicken. When you receive it, go through each piece individually and remove the fried skin goodness. Throw out the entire bucket of chicken, take the skins home, and save. Now you can have that same fried chicken flavor whenever you want! I find it's best on cereal and ice cream. Something about the oil combined with chicken flavor, over a bed of chocolate ice cream...mmmMMM! Deelish!
3- I realize that the flu is an epidemic and can kill you if you're some weakling or an old person...but come on. Bird...flu...birdflu? Yeah, one time a bird flu through my window and shat all over my room. Like, do you see what I am saying? I'm having a hard time taking the name of this disease seriously because they're trying to pawn it off as a noun AND a verb? The only word that versitaile is FUCK. Fuck can be used in almost any situation, encompassing the entire range of human emotion, action and existence.
"Fuck those fuckin fucks. Fuckin' fucked my fuck up. Damn fucks."
But bird 'flu'...ah! I just feel like these scinetists are trying to be cutesy and one of them was like
"What are we going to call this?"
"Well, lets make a list of all the things birds do, and go from there."
"Birds can fly Ms. Jacobson!"
"You're right, Billy. So fly can be flying, will fly, flew. Oooh! How bout flew. Sounds like 'the flu' lets apply this human disease to birds! We'll make headlines everywhere!"
Yeah, thanks science. Now on my bird-flu death bed I can point out the inherent irony in every case discovered. Really appreciate that one.
4- Scinece has finally determined that one can eat too much chicken. In the past it was only beef. "Oops. Sorry. Eat too much beef, you're gonna ge degout (sp?)." But that was never the case with chicken. They were always the fall back protein. The last kid picked for the socced team, but the one that always surprised the rest of the team. They clucked their way from the farm into hearts. Except now they're making our hearts explode, and giving us one fuck of a cold. Stupid birds. And why didn't penguins get this flu first? They stand around in the cold all year long, swimming in freezing cold water, huddling around as if they were cold. Bull shit. They know something we don't. And I am determined to get to the bottom of it. Maybe its the tuxedo.
5- Mad cow disease was a real problem, but we beat it. Right? Didn't we? Or are we just waiting til we've got a grip on bird flu and then scientists are going to tell us to not eat either of them? Well, I did some research and I found out something incredibly interesting. I spent all of last week on a texas dairy farm. Yes, it's really a place where cows get turned into fillet mignons, but some of them get to produce milk before their head gets lopped off. Anyway...While there, I sampled a plate of the craziest concoctions known to man. Bird flu chicken in a salmonilla sauce, mad cow angus beef with a side of pcb ridden fish, and som corn on the cob that the farmer told me gave him some serious lip when it was being harvested. We'll call that mad corn disease. I have found now that I have an immunity to everything in the universe. Literally. I drank a bottle of cholera and typhoid ridden water, ran a mile. I never felt better. I ate mayo that had been in the sun for 3 days. I consumed a poisonous snake, 2 rats and a baby. I am walking tall. No sniffles, no disease, no nada. Essentially what I am getting at is that you can vaccinate yourself merely by eating everything you're not supposed to. Then, each night before you sleep, take a birth control pill, drink a glass of urine, and you'll sleep more soundly than the dead. No joke.
Well, I hope my advice for this 'open season' of bird flu cases helps you out. After all, I ain't a doctor for nothing. Read three of these and email me in the morning:
askscottsomething@yahoo.com
Here we are once more. Another day, another blog.
Hey, I just heard from a friend of mine that told me something. Something SCARY. She said that bird flu will be in Alaska within 3 months or something nutty like that. Which means, conservatively speaking, that it will be here in 4 months, maybe 5 if we're lucky. Does that mean that we are going to give up on chicken and other fowl mere because some pidgeon in asia got the sniffles? You're fucking right it does. I ain't getting no bird flu. Not-uh, not me. No way! Fuggedaboudit.
So I have decided to make some changes so that this flu doesn't affect me. I have created a plan through deductive reasoning that I think anyone can follow very easily, and hope you all take seriously. We're talking about a chicken's life here!
1- Do you ever stop and think about how much chicken we actually consume each year? Everytime we eat a chicken breast, a leg, a thigh, etc., a chicken dies. I mean, we can't just eat a chicken breast and leave a one-breasted chicken running around. There is so much substance in a chicken breast, the thing would be totally lopsided, it would either fall over or run around in circles. And maybe its just me, but if I saw a chicken running around in circles, my first thought would be dimentia of a chicken...then I would think about what causes dimentia...and immediatley blame it on bird flu. Any of you ever had the flu? I did once...my parents gave me benadryll cause nothing else was working. Yeah, definetely woke up at like 4 am, got dressed, got in the shower, and lathered myself up. My parents, suspicious of what I was doing at that hour, came in to make sure I was ok. When they asked me what I was doing, I replied, "Getting clean. There's dirty mexicans everywhere. I have to scrub my skin clean." Apparently Shakespeare was right about the blood on the hands...Anyway, apply that situation to birds, and you can bet your ass I ain't eatin a fucking crazy chicken. But I have digressed...the real point of point #1 was to cite that we, on average, as omnivorous human beings, consume over 150 chickens each year. Not because we hate these creatures, or we have something against them...but people just love chicken. I'm as guilty as the next person. It's lean, tender, juicy. Its everything I look for in a woman AND it's edible. Spare me your box-chowing jokes, this isn't the time or the place. I'm trying to have a serious discussion about bird flu, and all you want to do is go right to the gutter. For shame.
2- So what will we really miss most from chickens during the bird flu? Fried chicken, right? There is a way to get the same sort of effects of fried chicken without actually consuming the bird itself. Simply go to your local KFC or Popeyes, ask for a bucket of extra crispy chicken. When you receive it, go through each piece individually and remove the fried skin goodness. Throw out the entire bucket of chicken, take the skins home, and save. Now you can have that same fried chicken flavor whenever you want! I find it's best on cereal and ice cream. Something about the oil combined with chicken flavor, over a bed of chocolate ice cream...mmmMMM! Deelish!
3- I realize that the flu is an epidemic and can kill you if you're some weakling or an old person...but come on. Bird...flu...birdflu? Yeah, one time a bird flu through my window and shat all over my room. Like, do you see what I am saying? I'm having a hard time taking the name of this disease seriously because they're trying to pawn it off as a noun AND a verb? The only word that versitaile is FUCK. Fuck can be used in almost any situation, encompassing the entire range of human emotion, action and existence.
"Fuck those fuckin fucks. Fuckin' fucked my fuck up. Damn fucks."
But bird 'flu'...ah! I just feel like these scinetists are trying to be cutesy and one of them was like
"What are we going to call this?"
"Well, lets make a list of all the things birds do, and go from there."
"Birds can fly Ms. Jacobson!"
"You're right, Billy. So fly can be flying, will fly, flew. Oooh! How bout flew. Sounds like 'the flu' lets apply this human disease to birds! We'll make headlines everywhere!"
Yeah, thanks science. Now on my bird-flu death bed I can point out the inherent irony in every case discovered. Really appreciate that one.
4- Scinece has finally determined that one can eat too much chicken. In the past it was only beef. "Oops. Sorry. Eat too much beef, you're gonna ge degout (sp?)." But that was never the case with chicken. They were always the fall back protein. The last kid picked for the socced team, but the one that always surprised the rest of the team. They clucked their way from the farm into hearts. Except now they're making our hearts explode, and giving us one fuck of a cold. Stupid birds. And why didn't penguins get this flu first? They stand around in the cold all year long, swimming in freezing cold water, huddling around as if they were cold. Bull shit. They know something we don't. And I am determined to get to the bottom of it. Maybe its the tuxedo.
5- Mad cow disease was a real problem, but we beat it. Right? Didn't we? Or are we just waiting til we've got a grip on bird flu and then scientists are going to tell us to not eat either of them? Well, I did some research and I found out something incredibly interesting. I spent all of last week on a texas dairy farm. Yes, it's really a place where cows get turned into fillet mignons, but some of them get to produce milk before their head gets lopped off. Anyway...While there, I sampled a plate of the craziest concoctions known to man. Bird flu chicken in a salmonilla sauce, mad cow angus beef with a side of pcb ridden fish, and som corn on the cob that the farmer told me gave him some serious lip when it was being harvested. We'll call that mad corn disease. I have found now that I have an immunity to everything in the universe. Literally. I drank a bottle of cholera and typhoid ridden water, ran a mile. I never felt better. I ate mayo that had been in the sun for 3 days. I consumed a poisonous snake, 2 rats and a baby. I am walking tall. No sniffles, no disease, no nada. Essentially what I am getting at is that you can vaccinate yourself merely by eating everything you're not supposed to. Then, each night before you sleep, take a birth control pill, drink a glass of urine, and you'll sleep more soundly than the dead. No joke.
Well, I hope my advice for this 'open season' of bird flu cases helps you out. After all, I ain't a doctor for nothing. Read three of these and email me in the morning:
askscottsomething@yahoo.com
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